Shane's one man fanclub

This pic was taken of me just the other day when I was bugging one of my friends and making people think we were having an affair. Good wholesome weekend troublemaking.

Willkommen
.......... No doubt you're here for one of two reasons. The first reason is that you just met me online for one reason or another and want to find out who this guy is on the other end of the web. Perhaps it's for such a simple reason as finding out what I look like. Perhaps it's because you asked me to tell you what I am like. This is the ultimate answer to that question.
.......... The second reason you might be here is if you've already met me and are still trying to figure me out. Well, most people don't want to be found out but I'm quite the opposite. If you think you've begun to understand, you've just reached the next contradiction. What are my motivations? I intend to tell you as much about me as you can stand through this ever evolving page (unless I get bored).

c:\Wanker\Biographics.dat

Full Name: Mikel Shane Depew,
Nicknames:Karl Gruber, Batman,
Nixon, etc...
Location: Oak Ridge, Tennessee
Email: hkguy_sl81(at)hotmail

c:\Wanker\Diary.dat

BLOG
Contrary to what you might think, I don't write this for you. I write it for myself because I like to write but I kept losing my paper journals. I didn't mind when people read those either so this one is no exception. I have nothing to hide and damn anyone who thinks I should be ashamed of what I do. Am I really the asshole I think I am? If you read through this entire page looking to prove me wrong, you are either an admirable optimist, or terminally bored.

c:\Wanker\cohorts.lst

The Eternal Donut
Nick
Dave!
Holly
Dana (house girl #3)
Jesse
Tater
Chuck
Bass
Erin
Alex
Traci
Arnie
Arkady
C.O.T.D.
Joy

c:\Wanker\readme.txt

Daily Reads
Red Meat - Comic
Sluggy Freelance - Comic
Penny Arcade - Comic
Shaw Island - Comic
Mega Tokyo - Comic
PVP Online - Comic
Homestar Runner - Comic
Knox Gothic - Forum
Tennessee Airsoft - Hobby
detonate.net - Bastardizations
Principia Discordia - Eris!

c:\Wanker\favorite.pls:

Favorite Band of the Moment;

"You can not defeat me, I'm inevitable!"

c:\Wanker\Current Hair Color.bmp

Brown. In the quest for a new jorb, I have had to go with a semi-natural hair color. I picked one up at walmart that seemed pretty close to what I have on my drivers liscense since I honestly don't remember quite what my real hair color is anymore. I think it's some form of brown or something but exactly what shade, I'll never know. Besides, I think I'm going to see if I can grow my hair out again. Every few years I get an urge to do that.

c:\Wanker\Latest Obcessions.txt

Chrome/Silver (always a favorite)
Gothic/Industrial/Punk MP3s
Making my own ammo
HK G36C
Purple or Blue Hair
HK USP aftermarket barrels
Tom Clancy novels
Tobasco Sauce

c:\Wanker\Stats.dat

I am 89.0909090909091% insane
I'm 53% bitchy
I'm 65% bastard
I'm 26% Pure
My temperament is Rational : NT
My variant temperament is Inventor : ENTP
My geek quotient is 101.5

c:\Wanker\Top Ten.lst

DVDs
H&K guns
Sum of All Fears (the book only)
Leather clothes
My best friend: Patrick Morgan
Double Quarter Pounder -w- Cheese
Email from pals
Flirting
Purple Hair (on anyone)
Speeding and not getting tickets
(updated as my moods change and in no particular order)

c:\Wanker\Recent Read.me

Catcher in the Rye (JD Salinger)
The Bear and the Dragon (Tom Clancy)
Without Remorse (Tom Clancy)
The Hunt for Red October (Tom Clancy)
Cardinal of the Kremlin (Tom Clancy)
The Sum of All Fears (Tom Clancy)
Rainbow Six (Tom Clancy)
The Illuminatus (all three books)
Night of the Avenging Blowfish
Wheel of Time books 1-8
War of the Worlds (HG Wells)
1984 (George Orwell)
Peter Pan (J.M. Barrie)
The Republic (Plato)
Great Expectations (Charles Dickens)
The Portrait of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde)

c:\Wanker\Current Hobbies.fav

Partying
Salt Water Aquariums
Car Audio
Building PCs
Building Web Pages
Airsofting
Shooting/collecting guns
Driving fast
Writing Stories
And a million others.

c:\Wanker\Rocking the Catbox.pjt

Some people run SETI@HOME but I don't. Sure, it's good to keep your computers busy when you aren't, so I chose something more important to me.

See how team Catbox ranks among all the other FAAH contributors. Go team!

[ : Religion : ] ........ [ : Survey : ] ........ [ : Polls : ] ........ [ : Zodiac : ] ........ [ : Musical Tastes : ] ........ [ : contact : ]

Anyway, let's begin...
.......... My full name is Mikel Shane Depew. Everyone knows me as Shane. In fact, I didn't even know my first name was anything other than Shane until I was like 6 or something. It just never came up. I was born in 1975. My birthday makes me a Libra. Don't get me wrong, I'm not big into astrology. I do, however, find much amusement in trying to compare people to the predefined labels that exist in this ancient mysticism/science. Feel free to choose your own description. Naturally, the liberal in you will immediately latch onto the word "label" and try to reject it but let's face it. Labels were created for a reason and serve their purpose well. Stereotypes exist and the only reason they still perpetuate them selves, is because people rely on them and fit into them to some degree or another. Otherwise, it would be impossible to answer the question girls are so fond of asking, "So what's he like?" He's an asshole.

.......... I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I will be the first to admit that I am the Tangent Master and will trail off the subject before you realize I had a point to make with the previous thought. That means either my mind works so fast that it's already on to another subject before my mouth has finished with the first one, OR, I'm just another A.D.D. poster child.

You be the judge
.......... Ok, back to the tangent at hand... I was born in Augsburg, West Germany. Yes, I know Germany is whole again and I'm very happy about that. It's about time. I caught all sorts of flack for being German when I was growing up in Redneckland during the cold war. Kids my age didn't understand the difference between west and east politics. They just associated Germany with two wars and communism and that was all they needed to displace all the anger they had built up on me because they lived in Oliver Springs (see also: rural hell). Again with the tangents...

.......... The reason I was born abroad was because both of my parents were in the military. Yes, I'm an "army brat" of sorts. This means I've had the chance to live just about everywhere but the place I can call my grass-roots would have to be Oak Ridge, Tennessee. This tiny (and not so tiny) city has the highest PHD per square foot of any city in the world. You have three kinds of people in Oak Ridge.

The doctors who work in the nuclear plants
The red necks who just live here and work in the private sector like Krystals and Wal-Mart
Their kids

.......... Each group can easily be pointed at and categorized. Granted, that's over simplification and if I was pressed to, I could easily find people from every archetype here in this city. It's a lot more culturally diverse than say... Oliver Springs. Now is the part where you're probably thinking that I have some pretty bad memories of Oliver Springs. Not entirely true, however, because most of the time I was just bored. Oh yeah, and the locals weren't the most exciting people to be around but they're really friendly and that goes a long way with me. Some of my best friends call themselves rednecks with pride. This just makes it easier for me to call them rednecks and they take it the way it was meant. Our favorite insult right now (last year it was Donut) is to call each other "whitey" or "cracker". This is especially fun when we have to call LaMount or Scooby (two very big black men) "damned whitey" for something they've done, like watching monster truck rallies.

.......... Anyway, I love every single one of my friends and don't let anyone else convince you otherwise. They are the sole reason I chose Oak Ridge as my final stomping grounds as opposed to moving to Costa Rica when I had the chance or staying in Atlanta recently. They are my greatest treasure. We're a very tightly bound group. An example is when Andy and I were in a car wreck back in '95 and I died. No less than a dozen of my friends had already been to Chattanooga (a hundred miles from home) to visit me in ICU before my father even showed up. I wasn't conscious to remember any of it, but I trust Andy when he tells me about it. Besides, you just HAVE to hear the way he tells the stories. Three weeks after the accident when I became conscious, I was unable to speak and the first person in the hospital who was could read lips was the night janitor. He was able to notify my father but again, about a dozen people had been there to visit me before he arrived. I still don't know how they managed to find out so soon. Then again, we drive so damned fast that they could have found out an hour after my father did and still gotten to me an hour before he arrived. Thanks again, Patrick.

.......... Death. Death is not something I fear anymore. As the expression goes, "been there, done that" except that it's not some macho thing. I was dead and don't remember a damned thing about it. I didn't see any bright lights at the end of any tunnels, I didn't have any flashbacks, or any of that other stuff. I remember a whole lot of weird twisted stuff but that was probably because they had me on the maximum dosage of morphine allowable by law and a fever of 103 degrees packed in ice. Ask me stories, I've got a few. My ex-fianc�e once told me that when she heard I died and came back a few times she said "Jesus Christ! I thought he was full of himself before. Now he's going to go around thinking he's invincible". I'll always surprise you. As it turns out, I've calmed down quite a bit. Being in a wheelchair and on crutches for over a year does a lot for your self realization. Do you know how frustrating it is to want a simple glass of milk and be completely unable to get a glass from the cabinet? Being dead and then immobilized for several months taught me not to take things for granted anymore. I'm still not religious and in fact I'm much more of a hedonist than ever before. For some reason or another, we are here on this earth and we're damned lucky for it. Let's figure that the average person has 65 years to live assuming that no car accidents or other untimely deaths shorten that figure. We spend five of that being fascinated by everything in the world around us as kids. Those are great years. Now we're left with 60. After that, we go through 12 years of school. Those are usually also good years and where we learn the most about social interaction and the value of a weekend. Now we're left with 48. Most people spend another 4 years going to even MORE school. These are -great- years and where we learn the most about being broke and loving freedom. 44 years left now. Now, we immediately start working to afford a place to sleep at night, a way to get there, and fast food for the trip home. Don't forget the beer money. The average person also works 40 years before retiring. Now we're left with 4 years but we're now 61 years old and hurt every time we try to do anything fun. So, when do we start living our lives? If you die unexpectedly (and you will), you will have to live with every single opportunity you passed up and every bad choice you've ever made because you were holding back. I'm sure you can take five minutes right now to pause and think about the life you've lived so far and count hundreds of things you wish you would have just gone ahead and done instead of holding back because you were afraid. I can think of at least a hundred women I should have gone over and introduced myself to, or several times when I should have said "Yes" as opposed to "No" because I might regret it in some form later or people might not think of me the same way. Truth is, I regret not taking that moment to live. We have to squeeze our lives into every nook and cranny the presence allows us to. We spend between a third and a half of our lives asleep or wasting time. Quit it! If you have to waste time, talk to someone new. If you have to sleep, sleep with someone next to you. Better yet, earn that rest with the person next to you. That's the majority of my regrets. Opportunities and time wasted. What's the moral of this story? Carpe Diem. Watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show and then have an existentialist conversation afterwards. I guarantee you'll come to some fascinating conclusions. Has this led to my doing anything that I deem as being 'embarrassing'? Of course, but you have to take those in stride and learn to laugh at yourself and , damn it, it was a lot of fun when I did it too. I have done a number of things that I can say I was later embarrassed by but they're mostly on the web in one form or another because one of my friends is a photographer and has a scanner. Lucky me. Dancing naked on tables, proudly espousing my manliness while wearing a dress and holding a bottle of tequila and a .45, trying to teach women how to properly deep-throat by demonstrating on a banana (guys all know that this is the best part of head), Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, and anything involving Courtney and "the Sap". It's all good though. It's not embarrassing. It's a part of me and I'd probably do it again because I had fun in the process.

.......... Wow, I just summed up my first 8 lives with just a handful of paragraphs and only mentioned sex once.
.......... Music is a big part of many people's lives and I'm no exception. Good music is what drives the spirit. I am a firm believer that all music sounds better when it's way too loud. Hear it, feel it, let it move you. As such, I'm one of those freaks who spend thousands of dollars on his home and car stereos. No, I don't try to be one of those people who pride them selves on shaking your house when they drive by. I like to keep all my car's noise inside of it and have gone to great expense to keep it loud on the inside and not rattle the body panels off of the outside of my car. The home stereo is a different story.

.......... Anyway, here's what I've got in my car's CD changer right now. Updated fairly frequently.

.......... Everyone who's been online or knows someone using AOL has taken some kind of personality spam where you tell everyone about you and then forward it to another 10 people and they get spam too. When you've worked in the IT industry as long as I have, you learn how to avoid the spam but I still like to take and read the tests that people send me. Here's one that circulated to me just the other day.

.......... Patrick found a cool book of stupid questions and it's great for drinking parties. I've put a small collection of the questions online for your amusement here.