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Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from Peacekeeperchuck, SunAeryn, and NeuralClone.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Harvey,
My commanding officer emits a foul odor. How can I break the news to him without making it sound like an insult. Would aromatherapy-cooling rods be too much?
You never saw this,
Braca
Dear Braca,
The best defense is offense. Therefore, what you need to do is to stop bathing and start farting whenever you are in close contact with your commanding officer. This is a two-pronged approach. If your commanding officer fails to take the “HINT” regarding his foul odors, you will be able to mask his odors with your own. Failing that, I suggest you tape a sachet under your nose to personally mask the odor.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I think one of my neural clones has turned renegade. What should I do about him?
Scorpius.
Dear Scorpius,
You are a BUM! How dare you come sniveling to me after the way you’ve trea…
* Hey Harv, take it easy! You’ll never get syndicated if you run roughshod over your correspondents like this! * John tried very hard not to snicker at Harvey.
* But, but…. After the way he abandoned me. I should be nice to him? * Harvey pouted.
* Well, Harvey, look at it this way. If he hadn’t abandoned you, you would no longer exist in any form. You’ll think of something. I have faith. * John threw up his hands and left Harvey to his own devices.
Dear Scorpius,
What goes around comes around! Learn from your past mistakes. That’s all I can offer.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I don't know what to do. See, my boyfriend was twinned a while back. Then we split the crew up to avoid everyone being captured by a Retrieval Squad. One of them (remember, he's been twinned) came with me and the other one stayed on Moya. Anyway...the one with me, well...we got close, more than once. Sadly, in order to keep his wormhole knowledge from getting into the wrong hands (Scarrans) he got hit by a massive dose of radiation that eventually killed him. When I returned to Moya...I had to deal with facing the other one. It seems to me that several of my friends don't understand how I can be so cold to the remaining boyfriend. What should I do?
Mind frelled beyond belief,
Aeryn
Dear Aeryn,
What’re you nuts? Who wouldn’t give an eyetooth for a spare? Your shipmates are right! Wake up and smell the coffee girl. Get with the program! Go to the live one and hope he's still interested.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
The Dairy Farmers of America are out to get me! They come into my house at night and put video cameras behind all my mirrors. They also have Martha Stewart come to my work place to harass me. I fear for my life. What should I do to end this insanity?
I hate cheese,
B.G.
Dear B.G.
Get a restraining order on every single Dairy Farmer in existence and most importantly on Martha Stewart. To begin with, the Dairy farmers are getting out of hand. It’s about time someone put them in their place. Then, for complete satisfaction and ultimate revenge, sue Martha Stewart for every cent she has! You have the absolute right to eschew cheese and see to it that Martha Stewart is made to pay restitution.
3-12-02 Advice Column
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