I would like to start off on this page by saying, I have tried to kill myself, I was stupid really, I only took enough medication to seriously mess up my liver, not even enough to kill me, and that was if I was a normal sized human, with a normal immune system and kidney function. And I have been very depressed at some points in my life, and at this point I suppose I am very close to what could be considered depressed, but not really, right now I need someone to wrap around and fall asleep... I don't want sex, I know that... I just want to feel warm, safe... and loved...
I've always had this wonderful dream of having a boyfriend who loved me and wanted to spend all his spare with me, and I suppose I did have that for a short time, at least until he realized he didn't want to spend all his time with me, and even though I still tried to get it all, I started to feel depressed when I was with him, mostly because I knew he was losing interest in me the more I tried to be with him, the more he pulled away, one day he just snapped, right before our 4 month anniversary, and the anniversary of my suicide attempt.
I suppose that was for the best, in the long run? though I still wish we were together, I know if we were it just would never be like it was before, and when I say that I feel sad, very sad, and I'm not entirely sure of why,
You should also know I got labeled as soon as I came out because, well... I met some really shitty people... they were trying to fuck one person with the first name starting with each letter of the alphabet... and since I was anti-sex with the first one, and the second one raped me and I freaked out on him a few days later... well, it didn't go over well...
plus a bunch of people from the youth group seemed to hate me for no real reason, other then I didn't really fit in with them... they ended up starting a ton of rumors, most that I don't even know about how horrible I was, one of them actually brought up my name as an "issue" the first day of youth group that I wasn't there in 4 months... and not one person at the group stopped him, the only reason I know about that one is because my only friend at the time was there, listening, he did try to stop the guy who started talking after a while, but they wouldn't listen to him, so he eventually left.
Last night I was tormented by the boy who raped me's ex boyfriend, he wanted to know what his boyfriend had done to me, and after about half an hour of me telling him he was going to tell his ex and after two years of avoiding, his ex was going to completely freak out, and start acting extremely defensive and start spreading rumors about me again, I told him what happened. And of course, today Matt added me? and yes I?m using his real name? and of course, it was my fault he raped me? among other things in the long time he typed to me on msn, I didn't say one word until he blocked me again, and his boyfriend came back online, I said one thing, only one, "I told you that you would tell him." Then blocked him, and I'm debating just leaving the gay scene all together, just to get away from the gossip, the torment, the fear, the hate, not one person in this fucking city I live in is as mature as I am, and I suppose it's because they work together, fuck together, and live together as one large group, the term monogamy doesn't exist here, even the people who say they are, are usually doing things on the side, all I wanted when I came out was some friends, and the ability to look for a boyfriend, and now I have, well, my parents, my brother and sister, and my friend, my only friend, still, I won't cave in to them, I won't become someone who runs around downtown feeding on the ill minds, and shame of others, I will not fall down into the darkness, I will stand on my edge, and fly out of this hell hole as often as I can, with visits to the gothic bar on the rare occasion I feel like venturing out into the real world and showing I'm still alive.
The real world has not treated me well, and I feel as though, maybe, just maybe, I should avoid it, because to me, it is just not real.
How can something be real when everyone in it is fake?