|
|
People hold memories other than the visual memories we have in our minds. For instance, smells can trigger very powerful memories. This is also true with the act of touching. I think it is universal for abuse survivors of any kind that if touched a certain way, it can trigger memories or reactions. A further aspect of this is guilt. Often positive sexual feelings invoke guilt in childhood sexual abuse survivors partly because of the feeling of betrayal by our own bodies. Many times people will punish their own bodies in ways such as cutting themselves or depriving themselves to get back at their bodies (but I will get into that more in another section). One problem that I ran into and I know other childhood abuse survivors have run into (though I have not often heard addressed) is the way your body reacted during the abuse. Because our bodies do things without our thinking about it, like breathing or digesting, our bodies are naturally designed to react a certain way when touched in certain areas. While there are definite mental sides to arousal, there are physical ones that can not be controlled. Then if your body reacts positively to this contact, or if someone has pointed out while abusing you that your body is reacting in an aroused manner, you feel guilty and like you deserved it. Then when you are having appropriate forms of sex, you can suddenly get the feelings of something bad or guilt or sick. I think it is important to acknowledge that your body is designed to react a certain way and this does not mean that you enjoyed what happened to you or wanted it to happen.
I would like to mention here for partners of survivors and survivors that one issue I have had, and maybe others can relate to me, is feeling guilty when we have a bad memory during sex. We don't want our lovers to be upset or feel bad, and we want to please them when we love them, but things that other people did to us can get in the way. Also having been trained to please people from abuse, we sometimes initiate sex when we don't want it or do it when we don't want to. I think what I am trying to say is that if you are the partner, realize that it isn't you that is the problem, and that if they are reminded of a bad experience while making love with you it doesn't mean that you remind them of their abuser. For survivors, I want to say that you don't have to feel guilty for not pleasing your partner. If they love you they will work with you through it. (of course I would like to add that while I know this logically and can tell all of you this, I am a hypocrite and don't always follow my own advice. I am still working through everything like all of you and it is easier to say it than to do it.) |
|
