I was born into a picture perfect family on paper. Two children, two cars, parents still married, cats and a dog, blah blah blah. I was the youngest and my older sibling was a brother about 3 and 1/2 years older than me.
The first memory I have of my brother forcing sex of some form on me was when I was 4 years old. I still believe that there is nothing that a 4 year old could possibly have done that makes them deserve forced sodomy. It was only "experimenting" was the justification at the time and that is what it (as well as everything else) has been called by others.
When I was 8 years old, we had a boy who lived next door who was about 14. He was a violent kid. He tried to shoot me with a pellet gun one time and he threw a knife at my stuffed dog and my feet and such other times. I had only one instance with him. He took me back into the woods behind his house and told me we were going to play a little "looking" game. Anyway, there was a lot of fondling and he penetrated me as well as he could and used fingers on me vaginally and analy. Of all the experiences I have had this one bothers me the least. I am mentioning it simply because of the age difference and the violence. The truth is I still to this day haven't decided if it would be considered experimentation or not, though my gut says the later. I know either way it was inappropriate and that there were other experiences influencing how I behaved in this one. One problem those of us who have been abused face is that we can not differentiate between normal and healthy contact and that which is not.
I was sexually abused by my brother ranging from forced sodomy and oral sex to less severe things like finger penetration and fondling from ages 4 through 13. At age 13 I started dating and started standing up for myself. At this stage the abuse lessened. (This taught me that I was safer when with a boyfriend. So, no matter what the guys I was dating did to me, it was better than the alternative.)
I told my parents what was going on when I was about 10 years old, but with little detail. I simply said that he was "touching me wrong" because that is what I had learned I was supposed to tell "trusted adults." Their reaction was to punish me by moving me into a room across from theirs and keeping locked in the room or under constant supervision for my own protection. I was not allowed in my brother's room (hard for a ten year old when his room has the TV, video game machine, and hamsters) so that I would not tempt him. So I told them that I was exaggerating and I took it back so they would remove the enforcements. They believed me and so it continued.
After I started standing up for myself, the abuse lessened to grabbing, peeking, "help" with my sex life, and inappropriate remarks. This slowly lessened over the next few years as I started asserting myself more often and started finding other ways to cope, like never being alone or home when he would come back from University to visit.
When I started standing up for myself more at home I stopped standing up for myself with the boys at school. I never did much anyway because I was fairly well trained to please males in this way. My teachers called me boy crazy. (Fucking Idiots). When I was 13 a group of guys were groping me like they did a lot then. 5 boys who I went to school with and who lived up the hill from me "gang banged" me while a Special Ed. kid watched. The Special Ed. kid was not a willing participant. I remember he was crying and didn't understand what was going on. I remember not feeling much except bad for him and guilty that I had upset him. While one of the guys was "finger fucking" me as they called it he smiled at the special ed. kid and said, "she is ready, you wanna turn." After this, I was dropped off at home. I pulled my clothes on as straight as possible and went into the house. My mother was upset about something so I spent the evening playing happy and trying to cheer her up. I never did tell her, or anyone in my family about this "instance". To tell them would have only cause more problems for me, and my brother liked to use sexual contact others had with me as an excuse to look or feel and see that things were ok. He was so fucking altruistic.
After 13 I had a string of brutal and controlling boyfriends, some would just hit me while others would share me with friends, but as I said before, it was better than the alternative, and all I knew was that men are to be pleased sexually and that is all men are, people who want sex.
Later, when I went to University at age 18 I moved in with my brother in an attempt to save money and because that is what my family wanted. At this point he did little more than peek at me when I was showering or having sex with my boyfriends or talk inappropriately to me. My mother told me that he needed physical attention because he was depressed and to make sure that I touched and hugged him several times a day. In the mornings he would ask me to wake him up. One time when I went in to wake him up he grabbed my around the shoulders and pulled me onto the bed were he rolled on top of me while he was naked. I managed to struggle my way out of there, but had to keep smiling so he wouldn't get angry or violent.
This is something I forgot to mention. My brother had a tendency towards violence. When I was very young, like a new baby he would bit me or try to burn me. When I was a toddler and when we were children he viewed himself as a caretaker or father figure for me, especially since my father rarely lived with us. As a later teenager he moved towards violence and aggression. He pulled a machete on me one time and I have a scar across my stomach from that. He would throw darts at me or do other things. He would stomp and get huffy and violent. To now I get very defensive/offensive when people cuss or get upset. I was trained that when people yelled at me that I was going to have to give a blowjob regardless, but was there going to be violence or not involved, it was "my choice."
My mother my entire life and even to this day has played an important role in the negative things that have happened to me. My father was not around so my older brother was the only male I knew and the only affection I got from males was sexual from him, so that is how I related and still find myself at times relating to men. My mother never had anything positive to say about me. She did threaten to kill me if I ruined her vacation when I was hospitalized with anorexia, and she does find me dumb, ugly, etc... I also remember that when I was cutting myself she basically said I was trying to embarrass her and that I was acting childish. In short, she didn't hit me often, but was well in the category of verbally abusive.
Finally, when I was about 19 I started dating someone. I told him about my past and (after a couple years) he started to help me. He had been abused and understood a bit about what I was going through. About 4 years into the relationship (and many troubles I won't get into here) I started therapy and group therapy.
Therapy were very beneficial for me, but unfortunately brought back many feelings and behaviors from my past. I did very poorly that semester and treated my boyfriend very badly. I "hooked up" with another guy and without giving too much detail, it ended badly. The guy felt that since I had had sex with him one time that I always would and he had earned it or some such BS. Sex was the only thing he wanted and he would get pushy or rude if I tried to talk or do anything else. One day we went to the park and he pushed me up against a tree and was getting forceful, but a guard asked us to leave because they were closing. So he asked me to take him back to my house. My boyfriend was there but he left to go to the bay because he thought I wanted to sleep with this guy; I didn't want to, but felt it was my only worth. Anyway, this guy pushed my arms up and gave me a bloody nose and fucked me like a stallion despite my crying and asking him not to. I drove him home and sat in my car and cried, and my boyfriend hated me and started dating another girl so I felt I couldn't tell him. That was the last time I was raped, and at the time I am writing this it was about 8 months ago.