Often with childhood sexual abuse, survivors have learned to keep secrets very well. This means that breaking the silence is going against the "nature" of these people. Also because defining appropriate and inappropriate situations to tell people is more difficult for all survivors, many chose silence over a potential negative response. I think there is a social stigma among some people that abuse survivors and such are talking about it too much and do things like "Hi, my name is Jan, and I am an incest survivor" when they first meet people. I have never seen this. In my experience and from observing other survivors, we tend to keep everything inside.
Breaking the silence is a stage I am still going through. I had told therapists, but then had to beg them not to report because of the fear that it would put a negative stigma on my family (being from a small community this is a big deal). Many times I have told people and then taken it back and told and taken it back; not very productive or useful. Trying to make my way through the guilt and shame of it all was very difficult.
Finally, when I least expected it, I told a therapist in general terms about some of my childhood abuse and instead of letting me change the subject to something else and ignore it, she made me face it and brought me back to the abuse issues (to my annoyment at the time, but I am grateful now) again and again. I was actually there to work on issues around my medical problems. I must have been horrible for her to deal with. I can be very manipulative and dance around almost any question. This is something all childhood abuse survivors can do. We were trained to and it helped to protect us. It is not a negative trait, it is a survival trait.
After I started working with this therapist (this is actually only about 10 months ago now) she introduced me to a support group/group therapy group on my university campus for female survivors of sexual abuse and sexual assault called "The Healing Room." At first I was apprehensive because I feared that what had happened to me wasn't "that bad" and that I didn't want to waste the others time. I felt that I didn't deserve to take the time and space. Finally, my therapist convinced me. In group was the first time that I could speak openly about what had happened to me and see in the tearful nods of others that they truly understood what I was saying. They offered me immense support and guess what I discovered... I was not alone. It sounds very cliche and like no big deal. Logically we can say, "Yes there are others who have gone through this," but I don't know how to explain the way it feels when someone really knows what you are saying and is at the same stage, or near the same stage, of healing as you are.
Now, I speak openly (or will when I go back to therapy) about all the different abuses I have encountered and if they are reported fine, if not fine. I am focused on myself a bit which is a huge change, I think for the better.
This page is another attempt I am making to break the silence.
- Never feel that you need to change the facts of your story. Some people
want to tell an "editedfor the comfort of the listeners" version while
other feel that perhaps what has happened to them wasn't "bad
enough" to be told and that they need to embellish. Both are wrong.
You need to just tell it all and get it out or it will eat you, and that level of
abuse is not an issue, the fact is it happened and it impacted your life,
you need to get it out. (like I said above, I felt my story wasn't bad
enough to take time in group, but then I learned it isn't a competition
and by not telling I am only protecting the perpetrators further.)
- Plan ahead. (when telling someone other than a therapist) think about
the best and worst reactions you might get. Think about what you want
to accomplish or what you are hoping for. Beready to encounter almost
any reaction, including and from my experience especially ones you
never thought of. Some people don't react well. I told my best friend
and his first response was "why did you let this happen to you." I wasn't
too happy, but I stayed calm and we talked about it and he finally
absorbed it (for lack of a better word).
- One thing I do, but that is not mandatory is tell the person (if telling
someone other than a therapist) what I expect from the. I tell them to
please listen, I don't need a reaction, I just need to get it out. I also warn
them that it is not happy news and make sure they are ready. This just
helps me to feel more comfortable while I am talking. Also it makes sure
that they aren't on their way shopping or something that would cut it
short. This leads to my next hint.
- Once you start, don't stop. Just tell all the way through. Don't worry
about how you are speaking or if the order makes any sense at the
moment, just get it all out and if you feel it is necessary you can organize
it later.
- WRITE IT DOWN. I feel this is very important. This lets you believe that it
is real. Suddenly it is sitting in front of you staring back and you can't
deny it or try to justify it. It is surprisingly nice to write it down. It is
almost like for a few seconds or minutes the burden isn't yours, the
paper has it and you can just let it all out. If writing is hard for you try
art. I managed to do a lot of art when I was first dealing with my abuse.
Some of my best work to I might add.
- Never feel that you need to justify what you are saying. This is true both
for therapists and other people you will want to tell. If they are not
willing to understand the severity of the situation or the impact it has,
that is their problem not yours. The way I dealt with this (with a therapist
though so there were less extenuating circumstances) was to just walk
away.
