This is another section I am completing in a daze. I am very close to the depression extremes I get to when I want to kill myself and I have no limits and don't care about myself. I haven't been able to sleep or eat in a couple of days. This right here is my trying to turn old coping and survival habits into something positive. Unfortunately we are alone. Even when we talk to one another, the closest we have to someone who understands, we are still alone and have to often pull ourselves up by our own strengths. Many people don't understand when I say things like "it is hard trying to keep myself alive today." I don't want to discourage you, get help! You would be surprised the small things that will save your life, but in the end we are alone and it is up to us.
"I have never really thought of myself as coping of being a survivor. That always seemed to me to apply to people who have had the really nasty shit happen to them, or who have had to actually physically survive something that could have killed them. As I see it, there are a few things I had done to help myself cope:
I tend to look very good on paper. I work very hard and have good scores in University and a great resume. My whole family looks good on paper; it is a great way to hide things. I volunteer and work in altruistic fields. I help others in any way I can and go out of my way to make others happy. But, I have not friends and my home life sucks. I take care of others and stranger, but I don't take care of myself or let people close to me. By focusing on this area and succeeding here I had control and could look to that to say, 'hey, everything is alright, you can see it right there.'
When I was younger, right after I started standing up for myself against my brother and actively knew what he was doing was wrong, I made up a person. I told my mother that this man had beat me up and raped me and such. I actually took the first name from one band member on one poster on my wall and the last name from another and put them together. I told people that he had done things to me like forced me to do drugs (that I did on my own) and other sexual things. I did this because I knew I needed help but I also knew, from past experiences of trying to tell, that I could not tell the truth. My mother made me get tested for Aids and told everyone, including my brother, that she knew that I was making it up. I was so angry that she said I was lying, but I guess in reality I was. Because she said I was lying, I was unable to actually tell the truth, I still haven't and I couldn't tell the truth because everyone would think I was lying.
In high school, and I see it in myself now sometimes, I did a lot of reckless things. This included drugs and sex with multiple partners. I had no limits. I would let anyone do anything they wanted to or with me. I guess as long as I had or nave no boundaries, I didn't have to worry about people crossing them.
When younger, and to this day I am fairly mean to men and especially the men I date. I have to deal with my brother on a regular basis, and be his friend and help take care of him for my family (since writing this I have minimized my contact with him and stood up for myself a great deal. I now have less contact with him and I let it be known that I don't want any).
I am overly analytical and controlling. Sometimes to the point of being a control freak (I am doing this less often now). I do not trust people. I mean never. I do not allow people to get close to me and I do not allow myself to become emotionally attached. I was never a child who got home sick or missed people when they were away for long amounts of time. I do not get attached much at all to anyone.
