Memories #1

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This is labeled "Specific Memory #1" but it is actually a collection of short memories without much detail.  When I first started group therapy and in fact when I first decided to heal I wrote down many memories.  I am lucky/unlucky in that I never wondered if something happened or not.  I always remembered, at varying levels and sometimes not everything, but it was always there.  I have been screaming it out to people for years in an attempt to get help, but no on listened.  Because of this I had constant memories.  Here I am going to write/copy some memories that I found that I wrote down when I first decided to heal about 10 months ago (yes a short amount of time and I have a great deal further to go, sometimes I would rather die, but I go on.  Today when I write that is one of those times, but I hope by writing I can get myself through this.  I have to do it alone.)

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My Story

Brother #1

Angry

I remember him wanting to practice kissing.  He put me on his bed with my feet hanging off the side on the floor.  He lay on top of me and kissed me, if you can call it that.  He shoved his tongue in my mouth and grinded his mouth against mine hurting my lips and gums.  I remember it was so big and slimy.  It was disgusting and tasted absolutely gross.  He shoved his tongue in as far as he could I think.  I remember gagging and being totally disgusted.  He was stronger than I was and held my down by my biceps and all I did was close my eyes as tight as I could.  I remembered thinking if that was kissing I never wanted to do it.  I still find kissing a bit disturbing and disgusting.

Impacts

Happiness

Brother #2

I used to go into my brothers room to play video games.  He had the video game machine in there and you would sit on his bed to play.  That is when a lot of things would happen.  I felt huge guilt later for going back and felt like I must have been asking for it.  But all I wanted was to play video games.  CHILDREN SHOULD BE ALOUD TO JUST PLAY VIDEO GAMES!  Fuck!  One time he had his hand in my underwear.  He was feeling around my vagina and poking and prodding.  He wasn't gentle and he scratched me quit a bit and it hurt.  I can remember how it felt to this day.  I wouldn't have been able to describe what it was at the time, but it was some of the labia and clitoris getting pinched and scratched by his grubby fingernails.  I told him it was hurting.  He told me that is was ok, he was helping and that he "just broke my cherry" is how he put it.  He just kept touching m (lets call it what it was - molesting me).  At that time I had no idea what that meant.  I do remember him saying that he was surprised I didn't bleed more.

Brother #3

One time he asked me to come into his room.  He brought me in because he had something to show me.  (here I would like to make a note about why abuse continues.  Even if it happens in large amount like in my case, it is not always what is going to happen.  Sometimes your abuser really is going to show you something innocent, sometimes not.  Also, in cases of incest closeness is promoted by the family and the community.  It is tricky).  He told me to get on the floor and so I did.  I lie on my stomach and wait.  He took his penis out of his pants and started playing with it.  I remember seeing this and seeing him (what I know now to be) ejaculated onto the floor in front of me.  I don't remember anything past that; I draw a blank.

Brother #4

When we were younger my brother and I shared a room.  One time, when I was about 4ish I think, I was laying in bed with my brother.  I am not sure why, I think because he said I should so our parents couldn't hear us talking.  He said something to me about how touching yourself felt good and that it even felt good to touch your bottom part.  He pulled the sheet up over my head and went under.  He had his face near my crouch and he then penetrated my ass with his fingers.  He went in and out but mainly held it there.  I remember the sheets over my head and my arms and hands tangled up.  I started focusing on the little static sparks that happen in sheets in the dark.  That became a main thing for me, he would do things and I would focus on those sparks.  He and I shared a room for many years and when we went to motels, either because we were visiting my father who traveled for work or for vacation, we were expected to share a bed.

Brother #5

My brother had hamsters in his room.  He made a rule for me to see them or play with them that I let him do some things.  He would put them in my shirt, like he would pull the front out and look in and then put the hamster in my shirt, or he would have me lay on the bed and he would lift my shirt up, slide it up so he could feel my chest and put the hamster on my chest.  He would spend some time positioning the hamster on my chest and would touch my nipples and body and then pull the shirt down over the hamster.  (Someday I am going to own my own hamsters that I can look at any time I want without having to do favors). The price for playing with the video games was higher.  He would show me his penis and tell me it was like a joystick.  Sometimes he would put the joystick in me.  In order to play video games I was supposed to let him "teach" me things according to him, so he would have me play with him like a joystick, or put things in me.  Sometimes he would have me (I now know what it is) emulate oral sex on the joystick or would put something in my mouth to emulate oral sex.  He used to tell me what a good sucker I was and would tell his friends that I had great abilities at that.