One
of my absolute, all time favorite song is Tracy Chapman’s “Baby Can I Hold
You”. I think it’s one of the most romantic songs ever written…
Picture
me in front of the computer at our dining table at our house, T.V. on,
electric fan fanning me from a distance, half naked, my brows trying to reach
each other, mouth slightly open… my eyes focused on the screen… a question
in the head…
I
have been living in the city for four years already… Met a lot of people,
worked with them… at some point hang with them… But none of them did I had
a relationship… deep human relationship… none of them became a friend.
It’s like we just happen to be there… and you know me, I make the most out
of anything that is there…
I
pride myself for having great and lasting friendships… Stephanie and I were
friends since high school—high school was nine years ago. Sheryl and I grew
up together, we were neighbors, and our moms are amigas. Kim, Maggie, and Matt,
I
met them summer of ninety-six. Mary Anne and her sister Jisan, recently but not
less than five years. Okay, we might not see and talk to each other much now
but we are still friends… Good friends. We know that we are still going to
be there for each other… we just grew up.
That
night, I wanted him… I could never deny that… I would have slept with him
if he wanted to…
I
still do…
I
still imagine him leading me to one of the small rooms, close the door… lock
it… I move toward him… hand on his shoulder… trembling, not knowing what
to do… wanting to do so many thing… wanting to be enough… I could almost
cry… would he kiss me in the mouth… I leaned forward, to his neck…
blowing, my breath warm… my lips against his skin… tasting him… sweet…
if the world have to end, let it be then…
I
still do…
I
dream of laying next to him… naked… my head resting on the valley that was
his chest and arms… my hand stroking his stomach… no words… just being
there… in stupor… letting time fade away… our eyes close… perhaps we
found heaven…
I
still do…
Wanting
to wake up next to him… my eyes blinded by sunlight… slowly, clarity…
it’s him I see… in light… a smile on his face…
His
body over me… I long for his mouth on my mouth, our tongue entwined as so
our fingers… heavy breath… his body tensing… sweat breaking on his
forehead… dropping to my body… we are one…
Our
hands on each other hands… seating there, watching people pass by… smoking
probably… the sun rises… we just seat there… smiling… ‘til the sun
sets again to its watery throne… our hands, our fingers entwined, not wanting
to let go… I always thought forever is such a long time… now, I ask would
forever be enough…
Such
dreams… such fantasies… I know I’m not the first to dream such, to
fantasize such, to want it… I know I’m not the only one… I know you do
too…
At
the furthest corner of the floor… at the very spot where we met a month
ago… I would reach for his hand… looking in his eyes… I move to bury my
face to his chest… hoping he wouldn’t ask why but if he does… I’ll
tell him to just hold me… I would hold on to him… hold him like I need him as I need
air… please let him hold me back… please…
“What’s
the matter?” he would ask into my ears.
“You
like me, don’t you Nick?” I would ask back to his ears.
“Well…”
feeling suddenly awkward and would have moved away if I hadn’t held him
tightly.
“Not
like—like you want to shag me but like as friends…” I know that is all I
could ever be, “you like me and that we could really be good friends…”
He
would hold me back again, perhaps in resignation for I don’t want to let go,
perhaps because he thought it’s the nice thing to do… perhaps, he decided
to let me have it, he would just slip away later… I learned not to hope
much…
Just
let me hold him… just let him hold me back…
“We
could really be good friends… you know…” I would continue, my eyes
close, feeling him breath. “Friends who would be there for each other, a
shoulder to cry on… simply to be with on utterly boring days… we could be
that… I want us to be that…” I wanted to ask him if he too wanted that
but then… I know it would just hurt me if he says no… I would just let him
slip away.
Not
a word from him.
“Nick,
I love you…” I would whisper. I know, as I say that, I wouldn’t be able
to hold back my tears. I would let go… without looking, I would walk off…
wanting to look back… but I won’t… Lot’s wife turned to salt.
I know… I would still dream of him… but this too
shall pass.
