I
wanted to believe… I guess, you know so if you have been following this
webpage… I could even assume that you think I’m such a hypocrite to say
all I want from Nick was his friendship… That I would only be satisfied by
just that… Clearly, you know that I know that that was a lie… Deep inside,
I wanted more… I was hoping… against hope… I was…
Friday
night, I was there and there he was at the Jacuzzi with someone else… I
should have not come… The worst part was that I felt the need to pretend
that I wasn’t hurting seeing him with someone else… That I’m all
together…
“Ei, hindi ka namamansin ha…” he said when he caught me.
“What?” I said acting oblivious.
I
did pretend not to see him when he waved at me at the Jacuzzi. He asked me if
I have a candy. I told him I get him one at my locker. As I was opening my
locker someone held me from behind and push himself to me. Startled, I moved
and turn to see who was it. It was Nick…
“Gago!” I said and handed him a
candy.
I
submerged myself at the Jacuzzi… a lump on my throat… the pain in my
heart… The swirling warm water didn’t do anything… Nick shagging with
someone else upstairs… the thought… I wanted to drown myself…
Utterly
melodramatic, don’t you think… well, I’m hurting here!
One
should never do Degree to find love…
“Yesterday
I was here,” my student told me. “And I had my best shag… God! That was
some shagging! It happened down stairs, at the labyrinth… he was so good
looking… I wish he would come again tonight…”
“You didn’t get his number?”
“Why would I…?”
“Well, he gave you the best shag?”
“Well, that was it, just a shag,”
he said, “wasn’t it you who told me not to look for love?”
That
is the reason why I shouldn’t do an advice section on this webpage as many
suggest I should…
One
should never do Degree to find love… but what if love found you?
I
was at the mini bar, alone with a smoke. Nick came, fresh from shower…
“Score One,” I commented to keep up with appearance… He wasn’t sharp
enough to detect that my smile came off bitter. We were seated at the stool,
face to face… I was hurting but I can’t feel anger for him… I guess
because I know he have no fault… he doesn’t know…
His
boy toy came… an earring on his left ear, thick black-rimmed glasses,
slim… perhaps slimmer than me… he looked okay… but not intimidating
okay… He stood close to Nick… talking… kissing… I was right in front
of them…
I
thought I would be able to stand it… actually I really think I could… but
then why should I make the effort… I left.
I
was upstairs, at the couch, hanging around my student who little by little
slips into frustration that the guy who gave him his best shag wasn’t going
to show up… I told him not to expect as it just happened the night before…
he had better chances if he goes back the same day next week…
Nick
joined us… his boy toy gone… I told them about Boy
Kidlat from the last time I was there.
“God, he was scoring really fast…
he just take a shower, then he goes up here, and just like that, then get off
again, takes a shower and scores again… I counted seven…” I told them.
My student thought I was one of the
seven.
“No way! He maybe cute and all but
sorry, no way, I resolved not to be on his list. He did smile at me every time
he comes up… I smiled back but no freaking way! No way was I going to shag
with him that night.”
“So you scored zero?” Nick asked.
“No, I had two,” I informed him.
I
am not lying or making this up… I had never gone home from Degree not
getting any… I do… I won’t lie about this… I have no problem going
home not getting any as I expect every time I go there that no one would go
for me—I believe I look shit half of the time and I have trouble believing
that all those men who I slept with there went for me because they were
attracted to me. I find it easier to believe that they went for me because
they thought I was easy. Read my previous articles and you would understand (Archives).
Nick
excused himself, “I’d be back,” he said then descends the stairs.
A
Caucasian man with a great body, so far from the sleazy pot belled ones I
often see around Manila… thirty-ish… He was looking at me… My student
noticed and told me… Would it be the night I finally get a taste of a
foreign dick? I thought I take a pass… But then he was all over… and with
my student making his round already, I thought I have some fun… I flirted
back… He was taking the bait but each time he was to take a bite… I move
away…
My
student was on his round… Nick hadn’t been back… I thought I look for
him… I went around… I didn’t see him… I asked Manong at the mini-bar
and he said he had gone home already—he got his cigarettes he had Manong
keep and that when he got them he was all dressed up already.
I
went upstairs… stood at a wall as the couch was already peopled… Someone
spotted me. He stood really close beside me, leaning his body to me to
touch… “Sama ka?” he asked me. “Where?” I had to ask… I no longer
want to do anything groupie. He pointed to the vacant room in front of us. I
smiled at him…
I
do get comments that my stories here were rather falling short—bitin… I
know what they were implying… I know what they want… I won’t… This is
not one of those homoerotic literatures… Not that I have problems with that
literature… If you want homoeroticism try reading my friend A.C.Rupierto, I
have plenty of his stories over at Ystoria.Tk.
The
guy wanted to fuck me… I didn’t want to… I wasn’t in the mood or that
he failed to put me in the mood, which means you really have to be good in
foreplay. His idea of foreplay was to kiss in the lips… that was all… He
needed to do so much more than that to get some of my behind. I stopped him.
He didn’t want to let go… I pushed him away… He got the message…
“Okay, do me instead…” he suggested. So, I did…
I’m
quiet in bed… A few soft groans if the guy managed to get me bottomed… but
usually, not even my breathing… Not that I have any problem with people who
are noisy in bed… This guy was really a blubber mouth… “Ang sarap mo
pare, ‘tang ina pare… and sarap…” over and over he moaned… At least,
he didn’t say I-love-you or I would have walked out of him right then and
there… Wait…! He did say he wanted to take me home… and that he
won’t want to let go of me already… Isn’t that equivalent to saying I
love you? Even worst…? Anyhow, I was tempted to take him on…
Well,
Nick, the one who I really want don’t seem to want me… Here was someone
who I think wants me… I thought I should just be thankful to what was given
to me… But then… I thought it would be unfair to him… He deserves
someone who would love him back… Plus of course he lives in Pasay…
I
wanted to go home already… Nick was gone… and anyway, I had scored
already… One was enough for the night… I was about to when from the lined
up men at the hall way someone caught my hand… I turned to see, it was
Nick… He asked me if I still have candies and if he could have one later. I
nodded… then left him…
I
wasn’t going home yet…
I
went to my locker, got a stick of cigarette, two candies. He found me at the
mini-bar, which was crowded, finishing my smoke. I handed him the candy and
left. I went upstairs. To the furthest corner… The very same spot where he
first found me two weeks ago… I stood there… invoking fate and destiny…
if Nick would find me there and the room adjacent would still be empty—the
very room we talked the night we met… I would tell him how I really feel
about him…
Okay…
not tell him, tell him… I don’t know… all I know was I need to know…
Know what? If there is something… something we could start from… if there
really is something I could hold on to and hope…
He
found me… and the room adjacent was empty…
Another
weird thing: he lowered his face toward and close to my body… towards my
nipple. “What?” I asked him. He didn’t answer but just went on smiling.
Then he did it again… I asked again. Still, he didn’t answer.
He
asked me how many have I had already. I told him one. The Caucasian guy walked
toward us, his eyes still on me… By the way we were in a loose hand lock.
“I flirted with him kanina…” I
whispered to him.
“Sige, go for him para makatikim ka
ng malaki,” then he was to walked out of me, I stopped him to correct what
he was thinking, “I was just playing with him… I had no plans in doing
him…”
“Ah, you’re so bad…” he said
then left but not for long he went back beside me.
I
thought it would be the right time and right spot.
“This is the very spot we met…”
I told him.
“Yah…” he said.
And here goes nothing…
“Question: when we met,” I said,
“Were you cruising me…?”
“Not exactly,” he said, then
started to walk, “I was feeling tired na rin that night…” he walked
off…
I wanted to follow him to ask what
he meant with not exactly… But, I didn’t. Impaled… I felt my world
crumble into tiny bits and pieces… Not knowing anymore… What the fuck I am
doing there?
It
was a no…
I
wanted to cry…
I
wanted to break down…
So
much pain…
Impaled…
At
least, I know already…
I
was still standing there… my eyes on the floor… unable to move… fighting
the impulse to feel…
He
walked pass me again, he noticed… asked me what’s wrong… I shook my head
not looking at him… he walked off again…
Alone…
What
the fuck am I still doing there?
I
dragged myself down the stairs… Nick was there with a group of men… he
smiled at me… I tried to smile back at him and just walked pass them… went
to my locker… dressed up… and went upstairs…
Pain…
no matter how much I try not to feel… it was there… I ordered myself a
beer… gulped it… then left…
