I
think I’m going down with a cold. As I’m writing this, I feel warm—in my
eyes, my breath, and my lips are dry. That’s not all, my back is aching like
hell… and I feel light headed. And when I got out to have dinner, I got the
chill. Actually, I think I would still if I hadn’t worn something thick
already…
I
seldom get sick… Yes, I tend to easily get cold but that
is because it’s cold and you would understand it’s because I’m really
slim. Other than that, my resistance to illness is quite impressive. Back in
the province, some years and years ago, everyone got chicken pox, including
the houses next door—which are my cousins—but not I. That is how super my
immune system is. I rarely get sick and when I get sick I recover damn fast,
that was until I started smoking. But even so, there was one time I had a
temperature of forty degree the night before, the following day I was
working—alive and kicking ass. And that is without the aid of drugs. I
don’t usually take in drugs before. I do now as I realize why suffer.
Now,
here is the thing… tomorrow is Friday… And you know where have I been
going for the last three weeks on Friday night… and why I start the night
hopeful and almost happy and end up a looser the next morning—three
o’clock morning.
I
do Degree, damn it! And see Nick!
Sure,
I could be okay tomorrow… a very high possibility… I have done it before,
I think I could do it still. The thing is… I think I got sick because of
Degree… It’s not what you think… but yes, it came to mind that I
contracted the HIV there… it’s too early to say and I did use protection
in all of the men I slept with there. What I’m thinking was because at
Degree we were made to stripe and is naked all through out with only a flimsy towel
covering our privates, which often get soak whenever we use it to wipe
ourselves after a shower or dip in Jacuzzi, that caused my resistance to
fluctuate…? It makes sense… I never took a shower four times in less than
five hours my entire life. I also do the steam room and the Jacuzzi, which as
soon as you get out you are enveloped in cold air. One more thing, at the
mini-bar, where I hang out, which leads to the Jacuzzi, has a warm
climate—mainly because of the heat emitted by the Jacuzzi. After I hang
there, I go upstairs to try and find someone to shag with me. I usually
station myself at the furthest corner, where the airconditioning units are.
And I don’t do well with aircon… as I said I easily get cold.
Yes,
I’m banging my head right now, as I know all that but failed to do something
about it. Now, I might not see Nick…
And
talking about contracting the HIV, I did told you from a previous article that
I have no problem having it for I have no problem dying because anyway I
wouldn’t be of a big lost to anyone (Swallow).
Now… suddenly I have a change of heart… I’m afraid that I might have it
or that I would have it and when suddenly Nick and I sleep together… I
don’t want him to get it…
Okay,
I’m crazy about Nick…
I
want to take care of him… I want to be there for him… I want to watch over
him… I want to be with him all the time… I want to give him everything he
wants… except maybe me to have a life and stay out of his…?
I
dream of hugging him and over his shoulder sing him love songs… mushy, I
know…
God,
why can’t he like me back…? Oh, I guess he likes me a lot… As a friend,
which should be good… but for some reason, it’s still a bummer.
I
want him to be happy… I want to make him happy… let me make him happy…
I
hate this… I’m in love with him… I love him…
How
could that happen? One moment you are strangers, the next thing you know he
runs your life… The worst part is that he has no idea! And I can’t blame
him!
I
want to hug him… just that…
Now,
I’m sick… and would get worst if I try to see him at Degree…
And
the thing is, even if I resolve to go to Degree despite me knowing I might get
sicker, I don’t know if he is to come… Oh, no! Please! Oh, life is one big
bitch!
Maybe,
it’s for the best… Maybe, me being sick is devised by some supreme being
to protect me… well, perhaps Nick won’t come tomorrow to Degree and that I
would just be miserable the whole night if I were to come… Maybe, Nick is to
find his one true love tomorrow night and this Supreme Being is shielding me
from seeing that… Or that Nick would come expecting he’d see me but he
doesn’t and therefore becomes really worried that something had happened to
me or that he had lost me… realizing he doesn’t want to loose me…
Therefore he would find a way to contact me, call me… And when finally he
does, would profess his undying love to me… YAH, RIGHT!?
Ah,
bare with me I’m sick…
I
don’t even know his family name… I don’t know where he lives… I
don’t know anything about him except that he goes by the name Nick and that
he works for a call center, which call center, I have no idea—hey, Matt,
Glyphed and Kim works for a call center but I have no idea which ones… wait,
I do know where they work—Matt and Glyphed are in Makati while Kim is in
Ortigas. Nick, I have no idea where… I also know that he likes really slim
guys…
…?
Well,
the last time, the guy he was in the Jacuzzi with and shag after was slim,
slimmer than me—thick-rimmed eyeglasses? And I am slim… oh wait, he said
he wasn’t cruising me that time we met… so then I have no idea… So far
then, that’s all I have on him… Nick and that he works for a call
center… not much…
Oh,
oh! I do know that he doesn’t get it up sometimes!!! Argh…
Which
is something very important piece of information one should know before
getting a lover… The hell with everything about him… What’s the use of
knowing where all his moles are in the body when he can’t shag you because
he can’t get it up!!!
I
guess we are better off friends…
You
think this is funny? This is serious!!! I love the guy… I’m freaking in
love with Nick… But then… what if he really does have problem getting it
up… Men with erectile dysfunction is a mine field… You don’t know where
to step on, every move, every word you say… You are dealing with a man’s
ego here… hypersensitive would be an understatement. And as if dealing with
his shit isn’t enough, there you are sexually frustrated… wanting to dump
him but then you love him and you think you could work things out… plus you
think it’s totally wrong to dump him just because of sex or the absence of
it… You think of cheating on him… which would again make you feel
guilty… A lot of Shit!
I
don’t need that shit in my life…
I
think we are better off friends…
But
I love him… and I have been a survivor… I’m a fighter in life… I think
I want to try to handle this shit… I think if some one could handle this
shit, it would be someone like me… if I can’t, no one can…
I
love him…
I
gave him this webpage URL… yes, I wrote it in a table napkin from the
mini-bar and handed it to him that Friday night we saw each other again and
called me a loud mouth… He didn’t mentioned it the last time… I didn’t
either… oh, God! Well, so what if he knows and get to read this.
I
love him…
Nick,
if you are reading this, I love you!
