I stand still, leaning against the open door, just gazing at him, still asleep as usual. I'm not crying anymore. Some days are like this - days when I see him and my tears stop running somehow, days when the mere sight of him makes everything all right for a while.
Do you know how beautiful you are, kitsune? You don't, do you? Do you know how scared I am? Scared that you might never wake up, that I might never see your amazing eyes again, that I might never hear your voice again, that my life will never go back to what it used to be, that I'll never hear what you think about me and I'll never know who I am anymore. Do you know how scared I am? Scared that you might wake up, that I'll never get a chance to be this close to you ever again, that you'll realize what you mean to me and you'll edge away, that you'll never talk to me or even look at me again? Do you know how scared I am? You don't know, do you?
I tread towards him slowly and kneel beside him, and almost instinctively, my hand grasps his. What does it matter? I don't even know if he can even feel me holding onto him right now.
"Can you hear me, kitsune?" I breathe desperately. "Can you hear me?"
Deep inside me I'm begging, begging so desperately and helplessly that this fervent desperation overcomes all the shame I have against this pathetic wimp I have become. Please wake up, please....
I watch his lack of reaction in silence. First comes the pain. A sharp jab right in the centre of my heart which makes my stomach churn and my legs quiver madly. Second comes the confusion. A whirlpool of confusion and frustration while watching him like this - why is this happening? How did my life become like this, a life that now revolves completely around him? Why him? Why is this happening to me? Why won't he wake up? Why can't things go my way just for once? Third comes the anger. A cauldron of boiling anger inside me rising with the screaming silence around me telling me that he won't wake up, no matter how much I kneel like this and humiliate myself, he still won't wake up.
And now all these conflicting emotions inside me suddenly erupt and explode, and I find myself saying things and doing things that don't make any sense at all.
"Wake up!" I yell, my ears burning in rage, but yet my cheeks growing moist with tears that sting with pain and weariness. "Wake up, now!"
And without realizing I step up and shove him, quite lightly though, trying to force him to wake up. But still his eyes remain sealed.
"I tried to wake you up..." I continue, my voice shrill and piercing. "I disturbed you in your sleep!! Now you're supposed to get up and kick me!"
He doesn't even move a finger.
"You said that yourself...Stupid kitsune..you lied..."
And now I've burst into an unstoppable flow of tears.
"Wake up..." I sob between breaths, trembling with my head on his arm. "wake up, please...
"you can't leave me like this....you can't leave my life like this....
"I don't know what you've done to me...but I can't live without you, kitsune....I - I need you...Rukawa....
"and I think...I think I..love you...
"so please...wake up and tell me I'm a do'aho..your do'aho..one more time....
In some undyingly naive part of my mind I once imagined that these words would touch Rukawa, that he would somehow hear them and be moved, that he would wake up at this exact moment and things would go back to the way that they used to be.
But there are no happy endings in life. I know that now.
Rukawa remains silent. Motionless. There isn't even a twitch of his fingers.
I don't look up. I can't look at his face anymore, I can't look at his sealed and matted eyelashes anymore. I can't do this anymore.
"I'm tired...Rukawa...
"I'm tired of this...."
And all I can hear is my muffled sobbing into the lifeless cold of his limp arm, and I know, here and now, that I've really had enough. That I really can't go on like this anymore. That I'm really too tired, much too tired to do this anymore.
"Do'aho."
I stop immediately.
It was that voice. That soft, deep, monotonous voice that I remember better than any other sound in this world.
I don't move. I don't look up.
Could it be just my imagination playing tricks on me again? I recall my countless dreams of him since the accident, dreams of him returning and his familiar voice cutting through the air and into my soul, dreams of his blue blue eyes staring straight at me and magically transforming everything back to normal again. And I recall waking from these dreams back into cruel reality in the dead of the night, drenched in cold sweat, haunted by a twisting nostalgic pain and numerous persistently torturing images of the past, a past where he was present in my life.
And now I'm hearing his voice again. I'm hearing him say "Do'aho" again...the only thing I ever truly was from beginning to end - his "Do'aho".
I look up.
And there he is, his icy blue eyes staring straight at me, radiating with life and piercing blue light - eyes that I miss so terribly much.
He's...awake. He's...back.
I don't say a word. He doesn't either.
What am I supposed to do now? I can't think anymore.
I find myself drowning inside those eyes, those eyes that I haven't gazed into for so unbearably long.
It feels like I'm lost in heaven when I'm lost in his eyes.
It feels like I've gone mute. Like someone has somehow transformed my voice into a random bundle of silent soundwaves, so that no matter how much I want to speak, no matter how hard I try to say something, no sounds seem to come out of me.
Is that a..teardrop? A teardrop at the side of his eye?
And suddenly he speaks again. With that voice - that gentle voice that I miss just as much as every other thing about him.
"...Do'aho," he repeats, moving slowly closer towards me.
And at that precise moment in time, a strange, frantic fear grips me and I break the gaze, stand up instantly and edge away.
He looks...shocked. If I'm not mistaken. There is a hint of...shock..in his eyes.
What am I doing?
"I'll go get a doctor." I choke in the clearest tone I can manage.
And with that, I turn and walk hurriedly out of the room.
What am I doing? That moment was...something different. So what am I doing?
Why am I feeling so...scared?
What am I doing?
I shake my head and look around me, hectically scanning the hospital corridor for any sign of a doctor. I panic when I see the only doctor in sight and run up to tap him on the back urgently.
"He's awake." I say shakily.
The doctor has question marks in his eyes.
"He's awake..." I repeat hastily. "he was in a ... a coma."
I've always hated the word coma.
"What room?" the doctor responds, already walking ahead of me purposefully. "Who?"
"Rukawa Kaede..." I stammer, dismissing the memory of his shocked expression just a few seconds ago, the expression that I turned my back on. "room..umm...184."
"Initial response?" he questions, turning to look at me.
"He..
Too many images of him are attacking my brain. I can't concentrate. I shake my head in an attempt to rid my mind of this clinging mist of images spreading inside me.
"...he spoke to me..."
The doctors nods and stops in front of the room. He turns to me and begins explaining things.
"We're going to do a few tests on him now," he explains. "see if he's all right."
I nod back, unsure of what else I'm supposed to do.
"You can wait here," the doctor adds.
I nod again briefly, then look down at my feet, not sure of where else to look.
"Don't worry, son," the doctor laughs, patting my shoulder with a confident smile on his face. "it's good news!"
I know, I think. I know. And I'm glad, glad beyond belief, that he's back.
But...why am I feeling so scared?
I plop down into the bench outside the room, and sigh in confusion, still in mild shock.
Amongst all this strange fear gripping me, a familiar "Do'aho" rings in my ears.
Without realizing, I'm smiling. I'm smiling for the first time in months. With ease too.
He's back. Kitsune's back.
Through all this puzzling fear that tore me away from him during that mesmerizing moment, a ray of hope shines.
He's back, I tell myself. I may be scared, but he's back. And that's enough.
He's back. Back into my life.
I find myself grinning into space, a carefree grin that I always thought would remain buried deeply in my past forever.
Notes: I like this chapter the most ^_^
Well, maybe ‘cause I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic..but I like this chapter…I like what he said to Rukawa before he woke up…
But I couldn’t think of a way to end the chapter..so it’s a crap ending… -_-“ I guess he restored optimism back into this life..?! *to herself* Just think of it that way, Lanie…