I rub the sleepiness out of my eyes and yawn. I'm in my room. How long has it been since I actually fell asleep here, in this house, instead of at the hospital? I roll over lazily. I don't know how long it's been. But a shining hope inside my heart tells me that there'll be no more of falling asleep in that cold hospital room anymore.
I sit up and glance out of the window. The Sakura blossoms are still tumbling down like dristling rain, some still gently clinging onto the windowsill. And something about the atmosphere of today tells me that from now on, everything will be all right. Maybe not everything. But at least some things will.
Is this hope? How long has it been since I felt even a hint of hope in my life, a confident hope for a better tomorrow? Too long. So long that I've forgotten what hope feels like anymore.
I stand up and walk over to the mirror.
And for the first time in months, I'm looking at myself and somehow, I feel like I know who I am now.
Because he's back. He's back here with me.
And for once I don't feel tired, or lost. For once I don't feel so helplessly tired, so tired that I don't know how I'll even get through one more day without collapsing with this terrible pain in my heart. For once, I don't feel that way.
I step into school, inhaling a deep breath of autumn sakura, hope, and energy.
Will he be here today?
And almost automatically a vivid image of the seemingly shocked expression on Rukawa's face springs into my mind.
That moment. I remember every single thing about it.
If I wasn't mistaken, there was a teardrop at the side of his eye.
A teardrop? A teardrop from Rukawa?
No, it couldn't be a teardrop. I'm mistaken. Definitely. I know it.
And suddenly I feel a kind of fervent fear arising inside me, followed by a certainty telling me that I simply can't face him.
All those things I said. All those pathetic things I said. And all the weeping and begging on his arm.
What a disgrace.
True, I would give anything for him to wake up. But...I'm ashamed of what I feel. I'm even more ashamed...that he might know. Yet somehow...I know that he heard me.
I shiver unconsciously.
'I love you', I had said.
I love you? I said that?
I look down. I'm...scared. Scared that I might really love him. Even more scared that...that he might know it.
"Hey - have you heard? About Rukawa?"
Upon hearing his name, I instantly spin around to eavesdrop on the progressing conversation.
"Rukawa? You mean the basketball guy? The first grade chick magnet?"
"Yeah, you know - the one who got into that nasty car accident three months ago..."
"He's been in a coma since, hasn't he?"
"That's the thing...he woke up yesterday!"
"He did? Whoa...Are you sure?"
"100%!"
The two guys trail off as they walk hastily away towards the main building. People know already. God, word travels fast.
Still scared, I choose to ignore everyone around me, the only audible subject matter being him and his comeback from the dead.
What contradicting emotions. I frown and shake my head.
True, I'm more than glad he's back. By opening his eyes again he has instilled hope back into my life, and maybe even a carefree type of happiness - and even my sense of identity once again. Maybe that's the only person I can ever be, his do'aho. And something tells me that things will slowly turn back into the way they used to be.
But...I'm scared. I don't know how I'm ever going to bring myself to look at him straight in the eye ever again, because I feel so ashamed. What will he think of me now, after hearing all those pathetic things I said to him between such pathetic sobs? And the ironic thing is that all the things I said were..true. More true than ever. How will I even manage to be in his presence without arousing suspicion? What will the others say?
I don't know. And I don't like not knowing.
"Hanamichi!"
I turn around to face an alarmed Youhei, panting heavily. He must have been running behind me all along.
"Youhei!"
Even I am surprised at the change in my voice. It's no longer deep, flat, low, dead. It's higher, livelier...to put it short, it's the way it always used to be.
"Is it true..?" Youhei pants, his eyes widened in eager curiosity.
And before I know it, a huge smile has broken on my lips.
I'm...back to the way I used to be.
Youhei laughs loudly when I don't answer and shoves me along. I respond by shoving him back. I catch a look in his eyes that tells me even he knows that I'm back to the way I used to be again.
"Hanamichi," he sighs beside me, sincere relief escaping from every tone in his voice. "you're...back."
First this statement mildly puzzles me. Then I look at Youhei with raised eyebrows, and I know exactly what he's trying to say.
I laugh. How long has it been since I laughed like this? I've forgotten how relaxing it is to laugh, but now I remember what it feels like again.
"I'm back, Youhei," I say, the familiar but long gone confidence in my voice like music to my ears. "and from now on, everything's going to be all right."
"Back to the way things used to be." Youhei continues, as if reading my mind.
I grin back to his warm smile and pat him heavily on the back.
Youhei laughs, then suddenly looks into the distance and frowns. My sight immediately follows in the same direction as his.
"Nan da yo?" Youhei asks, perplexed, pointing to the enormous but largely female population crowding by an area ahead of us. "What are they doing?"
"I don't know," I answer, equally puzzled, jumping up and down to see what all this fuss is about. "but let's go check it out."
I run ahead eagerly with Youhei trailing behind me, trying to push aside as many people as possible and prodding my head forward to try and get a good glimpse of the centre of all this attention.
I stop, transfixed.
"Nani, Hanamichi?" Youhei almost shouts, struggling to get a position next to me. "What is it?"
I feels like all the blood in my body has ceased to flow and my heart has ceased to beat. All I want to do is turn and run away, but it's as if my feet are glued to the ground, and I can't move a muscle.
'Kami-sama..' is all I can think.
"Rukawa-kun, welcome back!" yell the high-pitched voices of his die-hard fans and cheerleaders before they begin some kind of welcoming dance.
It's him, standing right before me - him, the centre of attention. He isn't even aware of all these people fussing over him. And luckily enough for me at the moment, he isn't aware of my presence either.
"Eh?" Youhei wonders out loud, staring at Rukawa with boggled eyes. "Rukawa? Why...why are you here..already? So soon? Don't you need some...rest...first?"
I can see Youhei at the corner of my eye, noticing my frozen response to Rukawa's sudden appearance in front of my eyes. He eyes move from me to Rukawa and back, reflecting the vague thought: 'I see..'
Run! I urge myself desperately. Run away! Now! Before he sees you!
But I can't move. I can't move a muscle.
And as if on cue, Rukawa immediately snaps out of his dazed trance. He looks up and straight at me, straight into my eyes, with an unwavering type of provoking assertiveness mixed with so many emotions that I can't read.
He locks my gaze. And for some reason I can't look away from that icy, sapphire-blue of his mesmerizing eyes.
What is he trying to do? What is he trying to say?
Is he...reading me? Reading my mind? My thoughts?
I shiver unconsciously at the thought of that happening and immediately break the gaze.
He can't find out more about me.
I can't face him after everything...everything that I said.
I look around frantically for an excuse to run away and get out of here. I almost collapse in relief when I see Okusu, Takamiya, and Chuichiro walking through the school gates.
"Oi!" I yell at the top of my voice. "Okusu! Takamiya! Chuichiro!"
And grabbing on to Youhei's arm at the last minute, I run towards them as fast as my legs can carry me.
Before the three can recover from the shock of me actually talking to them, I've already pulled them away, as far away from Rukawa as possible - to where, I haven't a clue.
We're all panting by the time we've stopped and are leaning against a wall, where I'm sure that Rukawa can't see me.
It only occurs to me how strange that must have looked. Very strange. Now I begin to worry about what the others must think about me.
But it doesn't matter what the others think, I convince myself. As long as I stay away from him. I don't want to lose the chance of even getting to look at him ever again. So I can't let him know more. I can't bear to imagine what he thinks of me now, after hearing...all those pathetic things I said. I can't let him know more.
Stay away from him, I conclude. Stay away.
"Hanamichi," Takamiya says, choking and gasping for breath. "what is wrong with you?"
"Yeah," Okusu coughs. "what is going on?"
"What was that all about?" Chuichiro adds.
At this point Youhei stares sideways at me with an expression that signals he knows everything. That he understands. I don't say a thing.
He turns to Okusu, Takamiya, and Chuichiro and laughs.
"Well, at least he's speaking to us, right?" Youhei has a grin on his face now, which spreads onto all the faces of the other three. "It's been a long time, Hanamichi..."
"The comeback of the Sakuragi gundan, eh?"
We all laugh in unison and engage in conversation while walking to the main building.
I'm laughing. I'm part of this again...part of the pushing and shoving and fooling around. I thought I'd lost the ability to be part of this again. The ability to be myself again.
And the comfort of being with these friends that I thought I had lost long ago tells me that soon everything will be okay, back to the way things used to be.
Notes: The theme of this chapter is probably friendship … ^_^” And about how if someone’s important to you.. your life can change completely depending on their state…
-_-“ okay okay,…it was a crap chapter..I know..but I’m a crap writer..hehe…that’s my excuse ^_^” gomen nasai…
To be continued…to be honest, I’m a bit stuck on the next chapter right now…but I’m working on it! ^.^ Please send me your responses to the fic so far..I want to know how much it sucks ^_~” Anyway…my main point is that I will continue this fic…