Dame de meintieng joli, Plaisant, nette et pure, Souvent me fait dire "aimi!" Pur vous servi loyaument Et soie seure. Que je ne puis nullement. Vivre einssi, se longuement Me dure. Et s'aves le cuer de mi. Mis en tel ardure. Qu'il morra certeinnement, De mort trop obscure, Se pour son aligement merci n'est procheinnement Meure"
"I should lead a happy life, sweet creature, if only you truly realized that you were the cause of all my concern. Being of cheerful bearing, pleasing, bright and pure, often the woe I suffer to serve you loyally makes me say 'alas!' And you may be sure that I can in no wise go on living like this, if it lasts any longer. For you are meciless to me, and pitilessly obdurate, and have put such longing into my heart."
A longing that seems to be met with belligerence. A life that is met with belligerence. As I mourn someone feared to be lost to me, the one person who's hands I left my life in for the second time a few weeks ago turned his back on me. This time apparently for a better reason. Someone else.
I don't understand what it is that I have to look forward to anymore. All my friends are lost to me, if not totally then potentially or spiritually. It's obvious that lonliness and misery truly are the only friends that I have. One person can only take so much, or so little for that matter.
People sometime ask me why I am so detached, so standoffish. If they only knew my past, hell, if they only knew my present. It would be blatantly obvious to everyone who would never take the time to care why I am so unhappy. I am unhappy because no one cares.
Oh, there are those, just like me, who have become experts at the appearance of care and worry, when in actuality they are only passing the time until something better can be found. Which doesn't appear to be a very long period of time, only a few months. Sir Walter Scott said that "the old sinner has an obdurate conscience." The new sinner, ( he that doesn't, and in his obduratance proves his cowardess) is often so caught up in his own self worth and what is best for him, that he doesn't notice that the very accusations he makes of his fellow man; he is guilty of himself.
What I don't understand, is why this is new to me. Why it hurts so much to loose friends, and people who said they loved you. It happens everyday to everyone I suppose, and it has happened too many times to me, so many that I should be callous to it by now.
I guess I can stop now, I hope they are all okay. I think anyone who knows much of me would know that I never stop loving someone, regardless of the circumstance, I just move on with hope in my heart that they will find what they need from live, even if it isn't in me. Good night charlie brown.
You know, I was really afraid that the events of late were going to push me into the depression that I am so used to. But in a way, I have transended my own feelings though this situation, and I now see more about myself, and others than I think I ever did. But I also know that there is hope, and a lot of the wrong people out there. That hope is for the good ones, Whose existance I have been newly introduced to or those who have yet to come.. Until........
