My life in letters....Page 41 www.nicholas.boystown.com

"He's like the wind through my tree, he rides the night next to me. He leads through moonlight only to burn me with the sun, he's taken my heart and he doesn't know what he's done. I feel his breath in my face, his body close to me, I can't look in his eyes, he's out of my league. Just a fool to believe I have many things he needs..."

I look in the mirror and all I see is a young old man, with only a dream. Am I just fooling myself - that he'll stop the pain?

This Ides of march went over much better than the last few, I think. I didn't do a lot today. I worked from around 8 to midday and then went to a Business Law seminar, which was fairly enlightening.

Afterward, around 3:45 I drove to Athens the UGA to see Jon. I got there around 6 because of the aweful traffic and he had class at 7. We had time for a short dinner at K-Bob's, an interesting German sandwich shop near the campus. I'm not sure what it was, but there was something wrong. He wasn't his normal self. I guess I was going there to get cheered up after my bad day, or pretty bad week for that matter, but that isn't what happened. Instead I left feeling really insecure. Even the few moments that we held eachother in his dorm, I could sense something, something I can't put my finger on.

Maybe he could have jsut been really stressed, I'm not sure. I worry too much perhaps. He's not that far away, but he is too far away for me to hold, for me to know he is beside me, and that is a little tougher than I thought it was going to be. I am trying my best to slow myself down with this relationship, because I don't want it to go to far too fast and end up hurting us both.

I wrote him a really long email just a little while ago. I don't know that maybe I didn't go a little too far. I just explained my feelings and what I was looking for and basicly ask what he wanted. Maybe I was pushing too hard, but my heart is just a little too bruised it seems to be able to fully trust anyone with it, no matter how much I want to. I guess we will see what happens tomorrow.
I have to sleep. Good night.

"I look at you and I fantisize, about how things could be. All I want is to hold you so hear me out. Sometime, someday soon I want to show you what love's all about."

Today was rather inconsequential, I worked all day and got home at around 6:45. Just a while after that there was one very consequential conversation. One between Jon and I. We talked for over an hour I think. It was pretty much in response to the e-mail that I sent last night. We both figured out that we are really look for exactly the same things, we are both looking for that something with someone special I guess, as corny as that sounds. But we've both been hurt, so we are really wary of anything right now.

It's really hard to understand how two people could be so close, and have so much in common as we do, but it is a real change from what I'm used to. We have the same thought patterns, and most of the time the same thoughts.

We arn't really changing anything between us after the conversation. We just agreed that we have to keep things really slow between us. He does live an hour away, in the same city that I may be moving to soon, depending on what happens with other aspects of my life. So we are going to take things slow for a while. In the same manner that a normal relationship should, rather than like most young gay guys in realationships do, which is to see the other person as the only person on earth and more often than not end up smothering eachother out of sight.

I was really worried about what the conversation would yield, but I'm okay with how it went, and I hope things can work out how we said. I just hope he was being honest. Not that he would lie, or be dishonest, I guess I'm just afraid that he's humoring me. That's the way it usually goes, I can go as far as I want with someone that I don't really care about, but those that I do, never seem to care about me. I worry too much maybe. sighs, - here's hoping, as I said. lates - nic
To be perfectly honest - this conversation yielded just what I was afraid of. I guess I will never learn. I obviously care about Jon much more than he does about me, if he cares at all - and he's just trying to be nice to me. I told him, that I would give him a clear way out right now - if he didn't care about me in the way that I did about him, that I would accept that and move on, but he said he didn't want me to do that. That he wants to be with me, but he cant be in a relationship right now. sigh - I can't help but think that he could be, just with someone else.

"I don't like to, be alone in the night. I don't like to hear I'm wrong when I'm right. And I don't like to, have the rain on my shoes, but I do like you.

I don't like to see a sky painted gray. I don't like when, nothing's going my way. And I don't like to be the one with the blues, but I do like you.
I love everything you are to me. The way you lay your head on my shoulder when you sleep - I'd love to kiss you in the rain, I love everything you do, and I could love you...

I don't like to turn the radio on, just to find I've missed my favorite song. And I don't like to be the last with the news, but I do like you."

I guess everyone has there bad days - it just seems that most people seem to cope with theirs much easier than I do. Everything that could go wrong today went wrong. I was at work for what seemed like an entire week in a day and nothing seemed to come out how it was supposed to.

As I've noticed before, the weather really influences my moods, it does for everyone it seems. This first day of spring was dreary, cold and raining which mirrored how I felt inside. I guess it is obvious to everyone how much I like Jon, just by reading my latest entries. But it's like we just get further away every day, every time I talk to him, every time I don't. I know, that just a few days ago, we talked about how we needed to slow down, but really I think he didn't really want to slow down as much as just to stop all together.

I have told myself every single day since almost since the first day I met him, that I could not let myself fall in love with him. See, I have this thing about people, as I'm sure you know if you know me at all, not only do I sometimes fall to fast, but I fall completely, even though I should know better. I don't want that to happen, here, I just pray that my overzealousness has not already cost me any hope of anything that could ever be between Job and I. He is really awesome, and exactly what I am looking for in so many ways.

When we both agreed over the phone Friday night that we were not going to be out there looking for someone else - that he wanted to be close to me that, like I told him, that he thought we could have something really great together, in the future. But he couldn't use to word "boyfriend" right now. Even as much as I tried not to seem like I was talking him into it. sigh - I just don't know when to stop, or not to start I guess.

It makes me think, and wonder more and more each day, after each person - what is wrong with me. What it is about me that people seem to dislike, or not be comfortable with. sighs. nite.

"Things are made for changing, we're all starving for truth. I'm closer to where I started, chasing after you. I'm falling even more and more for you, Letting go of all I've held on to. I'm standing here until until you make me move.."

Forgetting all I'm lacking, and how good of a friend of mine that lonliness has always been - I am slowing coming out of the trust no one shell that I have been submerged in. I don't know if that is a good thing, or not, but it just is what it is I guess.

I still know that my mind is going way to fast for things right now, but I'm working on it :-)

Work isn't too bad, I am struggling with some things right now, but they arn't going to kill me, and what doesn't kill me makes me stronger I guess. Think about me. :-) And have a good day. Later - nic.