My life in letters....Page 42 www.nicholas.boystown.com

"Mama told her baby boy, "take it real slow, "boy told his mama, "hey I really gotta go, he's waiting in the car," Mama said boy you won't get far."

Thus are the dreams of an average Joe. 90 miles an hour down a lover's lane, on a tank of dreams - oh if he could have only seen, that fate's got cards that it don't want to show...

This one sided paridise is the wrong kind. He knew he was gonna get hurt, He only wanted love, didn't bargin for this - he can't help but love, that's just the way he is.

But he'll ride this ride as far as it can go. Until the next.

Alone in the silence he wakes up too soon and reaches for someone, but he'll just keep reaching on. The cold hard truth revealed what it had known. He was alone, nothing had changed.

I'm not sure exactly how to articulate my feelings right now. I guess I'm not dissapointed in anything. Nothing has really turned any differently that I expected it too in the first place. I am a creature of habit I guess, which leads to a very boring life.

Most people would laugh at me if I called my life boring - but to me, when the day is done, it really is. Work is going okay, I am surviving with it, and my mom was back a week ago and I got to spend some time with her and my newphew, and sister, I have been doing that a lot lately. I think I talk to Perry more than anyone, I guess that's because he can't talk back, he just listens, and wimpers in sympothy every once in a while.

I, as I always do, put way to much into trying to make things what I wanted with Jon. And I'm sure, again as always, that I have suceeded in pushing him as far away as possibile by trying to hold him so close too quickly. I really like him, still, but I think I have ruined any chances that I ever had there, if I really ever had any, sighs.

We are still friends, we still talk, though less and less every week - I have pretty much stopped calling him lately because it seems that he really doesn't want to talk to me, and I don't want to bother him, or disrupt his life.

RED ORANGE YELLOW GREEN BLUE PURPLE

Those colors get even less friendly to me every day.

"Why does it seem so uninviting, to destroy the thrill of first nighting. Glittering crowds, shimmering clouds, caynons of steel. Dreamers with empty hands, and empty hearts. The gleaming rooftops at sun down. They almost seem like a gesture of peace, until their beams destroy you."

To transform the sunlight into a liquid that I could drink from, that would revive me, make me pure again. Chase away the darkness in shadows. I guess that is too much to ask.

Who do you blame when there is no one to blame but yourself? When you screw something up that you so looked forward to, what do you do you relieve the guilt you have from destroying part of a dream, a friendship, a lover.

I think, that if darkness were in liquid form, it wouldn't be black. It would be red, and as you swallowed - it would slowly burn every ounce of light into shadows. I would take with it most of your self-esteem, and happiness, and all of your self-worth. Each time afterward, that you try to boost the image of yourself, the real image, the one only you can see, it would erupt like a volcano from some unknown place deep in your heart to try and destroy any remainder of your self. Always though, there's a little left. A little hope, just enough to get you to try really hard once more, just to be end in exasperation.

'One may be tired of the world-- tired of the pray-makers, the poem-makers, whose rituals are distracting and human and pleasant but worse than irritating because they have no reality-- while reality itself remains very dear, though it can't be defined. One wants glimpses of the real.' I can't change the past I suppose, and I don't wish I could.

Though knowing how precarious it is, I'm sure I will continue looking for someone, but if the events as of late - being those who even appear to be genuine are the ones that hurt you the most, or have the potential to - are any indication, it will be a long time before I even have the reseblence of happiness, truly. But I do learn, each time, with each person, how deeply the human sole can be torn, and tread upon and still recover.

"Alone in the darkness he wakes up too soon, and reaches for someone, but he'll just keep reaching on. The truth finally revealed what it had known."

The constant revisiting...the constant reminder."

This weekend I went home - back to my mom and dad.

My sister was there with Perry. I've been home quite often lately. My mother was working and my sister left early saturday morning so my dad and I spent the weekend pretty much alone together. Actually, I really enjoyed the time with him. I'm on my way back to Atlanta and witht the weather so nice, I had to stop & write, relax even.

Happy Easter by the way. I went to a sunrise service with my dad & then to regular service at 10am - so I have spent quite a bit of time in church today. Afterward, my dad & I washed our cars, shopped for groceries, & I headed back south.

I don't come here unless I want to reflect - on everything, on nothing. the aquarium is to my left, just off the water with its glass & steel spired lighted with white neon lights. the tennessee river floing below the walnut street bridge where I sit. The soft thingder in the background witht the cool breese off the wather almost seems peaceful.

Since I spent time in this city with Jason, approaching 3 years ago, this place hasn't lost its hold on me, its memories. Two boys, children, stood right in front of the bench where I am not in the late summer of '98- holding eachother, leaning over the water. When I kissed him that night, as the sun set, just as it is right now, I prayed that kiss would never end.

In some ways, I guess it never did. I'm still trying to continue it in some form. If I;m over him, or if I'm not, it doesn't change the fact that I still love him, and that I always will. I believe if you truly love someone, that love never really ends, it always finds a way to hold on. And it can be a bond that can help connect you to someone else, to help you love someone else, the same love still continuing. Or it can be a barrier toward the same, which ever you allow it to be.

(lets see how corny this can get--) I know how Jack felt as he held rose on the titantic that night, as I held Jason here over the water, I felt like the king of our worlds. As we made love earlier that day, (emotionally that was my first time, and his all together,) That became a moment that has been instilled in my mind since then, and forever I suspect. And a moment I can never let go of.

I'll say good night to you now, to the teardrops flowing in the river below me, to Jason - And I'll keep searching.

"My life, is better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd'ave had to miss - the dance."