My life in letters....Page 43 www.nicholas.boystown.com

"your quote goes here..."

Well, I guess good morning is appropriate. This is most definitly a better day than yesterday. Though both days were equally as beautiful outside, and I talked to Josh yesterday, which was a high point. It was good to talk to someone how seems to be on my level, as others I have spoken with recently.

So - here's the story - if you wanted it, and if you didn't read it anyway.

I have been talking to this guy Kevin, online for some time now. He really seemed like a sweet person. He's not out, to anyone other than me, and he's very shy. I had to talk him into talking to me on the phone first. But, finally we decided to meet yesterday, which, though we talked on the phone late at night extensively, this was to be the first time he ever met another gay person.

After we met at Starbucks at around 8pm on Saturday night, whether he still had any questions or not, he was very gay, and just as beautiful. Kevin is 18, He's about 5'11" maybe 165 pounds, with dark brown hair and lots of dark blonde highlights, which he did himself. His eyes were a bright ICY blue with a dark blue circle around them.

He lives about an hour south of me, near Jonesboro, where I drove to meet him. We drove around for about 2 hours, getting to know eachother and enjoying the night. He mentioned more than once how he loved driving at night during the spring, just to feel the wind in his hair, he was so adorable to watch and listen to as the story unfolds about his older brother, who was 21 and his sister, 16, and his parents. He was great fun to listen to, as I said, and very intriguing. He had told his parents that he was going to his prom, which he skipped to be with me. Wait, did I mention that Kevin is a Senior in high school, he's even on the soccer team at his school. Needless to say - we had to find somewhere to stay, because though I wasn't aware of this, he couldn't go home - and that we did, but I was the only one to wake up there the next morning.

During the afterglow of his first time, of which the passion & his utter Abercrombie and Fitch beauty could never be described in words, he was mostly silent. Finally, when he did speak, he was thirsty - Which was understandable.
- This comment striken -
Being the gentleman/boy that I am, I offered to get him a drink.

As I was on my way back upstairs with his Pepsi One, (which I drank this morning myself and have grown to LOVE!), I noticed the door was ajar to our room.

If you haven't figured it out by now - when I got there, he was gone, A&F slingpack and all (leaving his Abercrombie & Fitch boxer briefs, white anklet socks, and a blue Gap tee-shirt behind)

He was so seemingly innocent and gorgeous, and obviously much more scared than I realized. I'm not sure how he got home, or even if he did, since he rode there with me and had lost his driver's liscense a month or so ago for drag racing, he didn't have his car. Plus, he didn't live anywhere near there. I looked for him of course - I drove around searching, and repeatedly called his mobile but got no answer. I really hope that he's okay. I stayed there the rest of the night, hoping he would come back or call so that I could at least take him home, but he didn't.

I wish the best for him, in everything. Perhaps someday soon, he can deal with what's inside him, and I hope that I helped him define that a little, because I know he enjoyed himself more than he ever had in his life.

Later everyone - nic

Okay it's my turn to rant, hopefully no one is going to hit me.
{this aside...
In the past, I've asked for your emails, and I still value your input - Everyone's input, and I have most certainly gotten it after the last entry.

I will not propose to explain any of my actions to anyone in such a public manner such as this, if you have issues that you would like to discuss, email me, everyone else has. Please do not pass judgement on anyone, as we all have our differences.

I have considered striking this entry, as I have some entries in the past, because perhaps it makes me appear like something I am not. I believe that it does just that.

However, I will not strike the entry, on the basis that everyone is human...We all make mistakes. }

All day today I have been in a little more emotional turmoil than you can imagine, though you have seem me describe such here before. What I did with Kevin this weekend was below me, and it is hard to describe how I feel.

I don' t feel that I've hurt him really, he got what he was looking for I suppose.
I just feel very guilty for allowing myself the luxury to lose self-control as I did this weekend. I was the first gay person the he met, and I represented the entire gay community to him, and I missed a really good oppurtunity to show him a much more positive side of our lives.

Instead, I showed him exactly what he expected, exactly what he has been led to believe was true. But it really wasn't. My emotions could never stand to have sex without meaning, and that is what I attempted to do saturday night, because he wanted to.

You see, regardless of what some, (and after the responses I have gotten, perhaps many) may think, I have a hard time seperating the physical act of sex, with the emotional reaction to love, as a matter of fact, it is close to impossibile for me, call me crazy (pun intended) I cared about Kevin - I still do, and I did not, and do not intend to hurt him. That being said,

I am faced now with a dilemma of sorts. As I have said, I refuse to explain any of my actions in a public forum, this is not a forum, this is not a democracy, this is a place for my thoughts, and feelings, as they are.

If I cannot continue to voice my feelings in this public manner, with out the unorthodox, and unrestrained judgement of others, then perhaps I should take this site offline.

You guys are right okay -I know I was wrong, but I don't need to hear the criticism, unless it's constructive. Share with me your feelings on that, if you will.

"And another day rolls by...in 'ole mou lou rouge""

Compared to the events of late, this day was very inconsequential. I got to work at 8am this morning, as normal when I go, heh. Today was one constant program error. You know when you get those messages on your computer that say "You have perfomed an illegal function and this program must now be shut down." That defined my day today so far. Over and over again. There were no major problems, just many little things that made the day drag a little. I think I drank 6 bottles of Dasani today. (And I was only thee for 6 hours) But I did have the most wonderful Pink Grapfruit before I left work. (It's the simple things that excite me.

It was great, outside getting all sticky with grapefruit juice as I ate beside the fountain outside my building at work.

Last night I had to explain a few things to someone and that took a while, and took a bit of a toil on me. I don't think I did a very go job at what I was trying to do, but perhaps he will think it is savageable. (SMILES)

My friends have been great throughout this week and weekend, especially some new friends that I've made recently. And I hope that perhaps, I we are developing trust with one another, and great relationships.

ANYWAY - I have to work MORE, so I have to go, I'll be in Midtown for most of the afternoon and evening. Have a good night everyone...