| My Days.....page 48 |
| Click here to go on to the next page or to go back to the previous one... |
 |
 |
 |
| Nov 08 , 2002 12:45am CD |
| "This used to be my playground, this used to be my childhood dream. This used to be the place I ran to, whenever I was in need - of a friend. Why did it have to end? And why do they always say, don't look back? Keep your head held high, don't ask them why because life is short. And before you know you'll felling old and your heart is breaking. Don't hold onto the past. Well that's too much to ask. Why do they always say no regrets, well I wish that you were here with me, well there's hope yet. I can see your face in our secret place you're not just a memory. Say goodbye to yesterday... Those are words I'll never say." Cronic, perpetual bordom. This place is getting stale. There are beginning to be less and less options of things here to occupy my time. And short of getting a job and becoming an actual productive member of society, I think it's time to move on. I don't have anyone here anymore, other than the obvious which will always be here for me. I need more challenge. Shit, lets just face facts I need to be on the move constantly or I'm never gonna be satisfied. Oh well, I guess you guys knew that already just by past trends. Shrugs. Lonliness is tearing me apart, with or without someone. Nobody suffers like I do - no one knows what it's like. That sounds selfish huh? Oh yeah, there are a lot of people who are suffering much more than I am, and in different ways. But no one like me, just the way I am. And no one can understand it, just like no one can truly "understand" anyones true feelings, only a biographical preception there of. Anyway - lates. |
 |
 |
| Nov 18 , 2002 12:31pm CD |
| "One of many zeros - kicked around, bored. Spending time with people pulling at your heart. People who always ask, but never really care how you are. Give me my coffee, cigerettes, and TV - Thats all I need. Take me away from this big bad world, just so it can start over again. I could go to the country it isn't very far, but there's people there who will hurt you, because of who you are. I sleep so much I'm going blind it's driving me crazy this life I'm living, this life of a sinner. But Aren't we all, isn't it always that way? The winner is always the one who makes the next to last mistake and you always find everything in the last place you look. And just like everyone else, I'll always change around the words that you say to suite me fine" I talked to Jeremy and Megan, well I talked to them via email. It's been since March of this year since I've heard from either of them. They daughter was born in the end of September and they are going through some rough times right now. I think about them a lot, and I wish them the best. I also talked to carl online for over an hour last night. His predictablity was quite loyal to its own. He never seems to change. I don't think he would let me know if he did though. I still care about him, I'm sure I always will. But - alas. Strangly enough after talking to one of my best friends Lorrie - as I do everyday. I talked to a guy named Todd on the phone for over 2 hours. It was a lot of fin getting to know someone knew. Sai hasn't called in a couple of weeks. That's for the best I assume, we really didn't click that well. The sex was pretty good though. I was smoking a blunt with Lorrie the other night and realized how awesome it was to still be friends with her. She and Emily are really the only two childhood friends that I've held on to. Emily is pretty busy with her life now, she has two kids and a deadbeat boyfriend (sorry don, hehe) She has impressed me more than she'll ever know with what she has done with her life. She'll graduate from nursing school in May I think. I'm proud of her. Lorrie too - she has been doing great for the past year. She just got out of a realtionship that sucked, but I'm sure she'll find someone to make her happy. I hope we all do. Anyway, I have to go finish cleaning out my car. Lates - n. |
| Nov 20 , 2002 09:44pm CD |
| "Tu Vuo' Fa LAmericano" - " Everyone's looking, everyone hides everyone's telling everyone lies. Changing the subject, turning away - away from the heart of it all. You say you are happy, you think this is fun. But it's only a firefly to the light of the sun. You say this is living - you feel so alive. Well you know everything dies. Even my wonder, even my fear only amount to a couple o f tears. Welcome to another day - it don't seem that different cause nothing has changed. Try to remember when we wern't just running in place. Reasons for living never come cheap, even your best ones put me to sleep. What I am saying is there must be a better way. Tell me all your wildest dreams, though I dont really care you dont know what they mean. Raiding the closet skeleton keys, you know it's easier than you think. It's all so crazy this thing we all do. We pacify ourselves while trying to impress you. I don't understand, what is the point. Why should we sacrifice all that we want. We've all been taught to hate, everything we don't understand. To hate or ignore the difference from norm. I just want to be happy, don't you want that too? 'I'm in love with the world, through the eyes of a boy who's still around the morning after. It's always been wait and see, a happy day and then you pay and feel like shit the morning after, now I feel changed around and instead of falling down Im standing up the morning after. Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later. I could be another fool or an exception to the rule - you tell me the morning after.' Hi Lorrie - sorry guys, I really didn't have anything specific to say tonight. I guess if fate has led you to it you do what you have to do. n. |
| Nov 23 , 2002 11:27pm CD |
| "I watched it coming up winslow down southpark boulovard, it was looking good from tail to hood. Great big fins and painted steel, man it looked just like the batmobile. With my old man behind the wheel. Well you could hardly even see him in all of that crome. The man with the plan and the poket home. But every night it carried him home. And I could hear him saying don't you give me no Buick son you much take my word - if there's a God in Heaven, He drives a silver Thunderbird. You can keep your El Dorado's and the foriegn cars absurd. Me I wanna go down in a silver thunderbird. He got up every morning while I was still asleep. I remember the sound of him shuffeling around. Right before the crack of dawn is when I heard him turn the motor on. But when I got up they were gone. Down the road in the rain and snow. The man and his machine would go. Oh the secrets that old car would know. Down the road in the rain and snow the man and his machine would go. Oh the secrents that ol' car would know. I stil hear him saying 'don't you give me no buick. Son you must take my word, if there's a God up in Heaven, He's got a silver Thunderbird. I am once again an uncle after this morning. My nephew John Cooper was born this morning at 9:31am 7 pounds and 12 ounces and 21 inches long. The same length as his brother when he was born and one ounce more. They are like little clones. :-) I am obviously very proud. If you want you can check out the pics here http://www.oocities.org/zerobleu Anyway. I went to Atlanta with my parents yesterday afternoon and we stayed with my sister. I got a chance to spend some time with Cooper's older brother Perry which was AWESOME! :-) I had an all around good time and got a new nephew to boot. Lates, n. |
| Nov 29 , 2002 11:12pm CD |
| "If the sun comes up tomorrow it is because of men of good will. And that's all that stands between us and the devil." Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand - don't ask any questions and don't try to understand. Open up you mind and then open up your heart and you will see that you and mee arent very far aparet. I believe that love is the answer I believe that love will find a way. Violence has spread world wide and there's families on the street. And we sell drugs to children now why cant we just see that all we do is illeminate our future with things we do today. But money is our exemption now so that makes it okay. But I believe that love is the answer and I beleive that love will find a way. I'd been seeing Jason then for a little over a year. He said he'd never been so happy but Jason lives in fear. That one day daddy's gonna find out that he's in love with a guy instead of a girl - oh how he would loose it then but he's still here with me.. Cause he believes that love with see ya through and one day he'll understand. And he'll see me as a person and not just a gay man. Sometimes I just can't understand why I always feel like I'm dying inside. I try to hide my emotions, but eyes don't lie. I'm always searching for words that I can't find. Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say, I've made a lot of choices in my life. I seem to be fairly content in the decisions I've made. There are so many things that I would change if I had the chance - the moment to do over again. But sadly, there are just as many more more moments that I would never change, even though I should. I guess this is very normal for one to look back on his life and want to do some things over. But what scares me is the thought that if I had that chance, that I might make so many of the same mistakes again. There are so many people that have been in my life in the past who's presence I truly miss now. Passing all the pictures on the wall, counting all the stairs, I know them all. Have all my efforts found a way? Or have they all gone astray. I can still see so many shadows on the wall. All the time that I walked barefooted in the sand somehow I never felt the rain. Now I've got nothing but time. I could walk off the hurt, run through the pain wipe all the tears falling down my face but then I would dream but those dreams can't be... and I just can't walk off the buzz. Now that I'm lonley, it seems like a punishment you know. For all the people that I've caused pain too. But I just can't get rid of the memories of how things used to be. I didn't write a lot then, because I was so happy that I lived my life through actions instead of through letters. Somedays it's better and some days its worse. I know you've heard the excuses before so I wont waste your time and Ill keep this short without my emotions cause I can't afford to be wrong. I'm always real careful of the signals I send. I don't want to rush things cause my greatest fear is taking for granted what's taken me years. I just wait.... N. |
