| My Days.....page 49 |
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| Nov 17 , 2003 09:45pm CS |
| "If only I could get through this - I gotta get through this. I gotta get through this, I gotta make it, make it, make it through, I gotta take my mind off you. Give me just a second and I'll be all right. Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart. Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay, just another day and then I'll hold you tight. When you love is falling like the rain I close my eyes and it falls again - when will I get the chance to say I love you, I pretend that you're already mine then my heart ain't breaking every time I look into your eyes..... If only I could get through this." SO - Alas alas, you thought I had died huh? Well tales of my demise are greatly exaggerated. Or as I would say to he who wishes me ill. "LIAR!!! FABRICATOR!" It isn't so. Perhaps I was gone but for a moment, but with my return comes the promise and new hope... New hope there there is indeed a person inside this shell, and that perhaps I won't die the same way I have lived, in solitude, for the most part anyway. At least deep inside. (BAD THOUGHT) Anyway - I know I seem a little hyper-active, but don't you understand? Can't you see it? The aura? Okay fine, you can't but it's there. IT's like I'm re-born. I have an entire new outlook on everything. Its truly amazing to find happiness from within, and I can't wait to share it with you. Lates - nic |
| Nov 19 , 2003 03:11pm CS |
| "All's Fair in love and war..." So what happens when love is war? What happens when you have to fight to be with the person you love? Or even fight the person you love because of their lifestyle or some random thing. It's really amazing how people disapoint me. I mean, it's not that I expect the world from someone, I don't. Just a little common decency. I guess that's too much too ask. I guess I'm still somehow expecting others to return the same amount of respect that I give them. That's my fist mistake I suppose. I am slowly but surely learning not to expect anything at all. That way I will be surprised either way it goes. Don't get me wrong. This isn't the sappy oh poor me journal entry that you are used to from the past. That just isn't me anymore. I mean, I am still quite disappointed in humanity. But I don't let that discourage me from continuing to pursue my own happiness. ALAS - I have written enough for now. I hope to hear from more of you soon. Have a good day..... Lates - nic |
| Dec 9 , 2003 07:35pm CS |
| "I remember all my life. Raining down as cold as ice. Shadows of a man, a face through a window crying in the night the night goes into morning just another day." " Everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say, from eachother. Even lovers need a holiday, far away from eachother... Hold me now, it's hard for me to say I'm sorry, I just want you to stay. After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you, I promise to. After all thats been said and done, you're just a part of me I can't let go." You know how it feels when you first begin a relationship? How smiles give you an erection, touch makes you go insaine? You swear that all you want to do is hold the person forever? It's amazing huh? Well here we go again. His name is Jeffrey, a repeat name of another person I loved once, and still do in so many ways. This one though is much different. I don't know. It's the first time I've had a boyfriend in tennessee near my home. So I get so see a lot of him. He's 19 and a little fem but that doesn't matter to me. He makes me feel happy, and the lonliness that I've always been used to is subsiding. It's becoming increasingly harder to be in a realtionship. I mean I'm just not used to it, it's been so long. It seems the second that you find someone everyone comes out to the woodwork to tempt you. But I've dont a pretty good job so far. Anyway, I guess that's everything. SMILES> lates. |
| Jan 13 , 2004 02:43pm CS |
| "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything. What have I become? My sweetest friend, everyone I know, goes away in the end. You could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. I wear my crown of shit, on my liar's chair. Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair. Beneath the stain of time the feeling dissappears. You are someone else, I am still right here. What have I become, my sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away in the end. You could have it all my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. If I could start again, a million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find a way." Hrm. It's strange getting used to being a part of the public again. I have been getting some strange emails from random people asking all kinds of interesting questions. Anyway, I met someone a couple of days ago. I was with my best friend Lorrie at her cousin Wayne's house when I met Jeffrey. He's 19, and he lives in close to me. He really is adorable, I will try to get a picture up here soon. I need to put Lorrie on my people I tolerate page as well, when she notices that she isn't there she is going to give me hell. By the way, sorry if my choice of opening lyrics today, I know they are a bit brash. The song really is otiose as far as what the lyrics mean and applying them to my life, but I just like the song, best when sung by johnnie cash, God rest his soul. Anyway, lates. |
| Jan 16 , 2004 12:40pm CS |
| "Here in this diary, I write you visions of my summer, it was the best I ever had. there were choruses and sing-alongs, and not a spoken feeling, I'm knowing that right now is all that matters. All the nights we stayed up talking, listening to eighties songs, quoting lines from all those movies that we love. It still brings a smile to my face. I guess when it comes down to it.... Being grown up, isn't hald as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives. The only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you'll finally get it right. Breaking into hotel swimming pools and wrecking havoc on our world. Hanging out at truckstops just to pass the time. The blacktops singing me to sleep. Lighting fireworks in parking lots, illuminate the blackest nights. Cherry cokes under this moonlight simmer night. 2015 Riverside, it's time to say good bye. get on the bus, it's time to go. Being grown up isn't half as fun as growning up, these are the best days of our lives. The only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you'll finally get it right." You know, people are strange. It's kind of like to more you get to know someone the more chances they have to dissappoint you. It's relly odd how people do the best they can, give their best first impressions, they do whatever they can to make you like them. And then after they gain your trust, 9 times out of ten they stab you in the back. Shrugs, I'm not really talking about anything in particular. Just thinking back to the people I've met, the people who I've allowed to use me. It's all realitive I guess. I was usually using them for some reason or another as well, so I guess I can't say much. I am feeling pretty stagnant at this point. Neither moving back or moving forward in my life. I guess that is better than screwing everything up, which is something I have a tendancy to do. I am thinking about moving in with Jeffrey, which is a pretty big decision for me. I have never lived with my boyfriend. I mean, Carl and I practicly lived together, but we still kept seperate apartments. I dunno, ACK - gotta go. LAtes... |
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| Jan 26 , 2004 12:19pm CS |
| "Is this how it was intended. The sunrise over smokestacks in the midwest, the beaity of this abandoned factory. Christmas lights blinking on and off all out of time in what used to be your pink house dreams of a middle class America. I'm trying to believe in you. But all these satellites and shattered dreams are blocking out my view. Please don't forget who you really are 'cause nothing really matters when we're gone. Fell in love with his Keno waiter, they honeymooned in Memphis. They were married by the drive-up window. Trailer parks, neon signs, and an empty box of lucky strikes are all used up on the dashboard of America. You'll be saddened to know, the train tracks you once walked as a young boy are now nothing but a graveyard. Please don't forget how small we really are 'cause nothing really matters when we're gone. {nothing really matters} I'm trying to believe in you.... Well, it appears to be back to the grind. I just accepted a job a a local home improvement store to get my by the the meantime. I have been job-searching for about 3 months now, and aside from really annoying, it has been really tiring as well. I don't know why really, it's just emotional to have to admit that you can't find a job. I'm sure there are a lot of factors that add in, shrugs, and I could have taken a lesser one sooner but I have been holding out, for nothing it appears. Alas, I don't have a lot of time. So I will come back and continue later. Have a great day! lates... |
