Most of us are familiar with the phenomenon whereby the Alzheimer patient does not recognize their own reflection any more, either in a mirror or in a car window. This is due to brain cells dying out, and they are not replaced - which causes the patient to actually NOT know who they are looking at!! Think of the brain as a computer system which has ‘glitches’ caused by lack of blood flow to the brain - Different areas of memory are affected, even entire YEARS are completely erased. So, for the typical Alzheimer patient, the PAST becomes their PRESENT - while the PRESENT becomes the FUTURE.

This means that they are living in the PAST, where their brain cells are still alive, alert and functioning. This may be at the age of 70, 60, 50 or even further back. But this becomes their PRESENT, their ACTUAL REALITY. It would be as if WE were transported suddenly 25 years ahead in our own lives, into our FUTURES - we would be just as lost, confused, terrified and irritated as THEY are!! They do not understand their futures, any more than we would - We would not recognize ourselves as old people either. I remember showing my mother a mirror and her telling me that 'she looked like an old lady’, she did not know who she was!! I showed her picture albums and she knew herself up to the age of 50 years old - All pictures after that point in time were completely foreign to her, erased in her own memory banks, never to be retrieved.

It is my personal, and very strong, opinion that WE, the caregivers of the Alzheimer patient, should make the effort to function in the PATIENT’s REALITY, which is THEIR PAST, wherever their brain is still alive, alert and functioning. It is far easier for US to spend what time we are with them, listening to them share from the vast storehouse of information and experiences, whether it be 20 years ago or further. We can learn a lot from their recollections, because the brain remembers things in great, vivid detail. The alternative is to argue and conjole them to live in OUR REALITY, which is to them, a FUTURE they do not understand, is either a nightmare or a dream they cannot make sense of - Arguments ensue, hurt feelings evolve, and confusion reigns. It takes so little for us to step into THEIR shoes and look through THEIR eyes, live in THEIR reality if only for a little while - And so less exhausting than trying to continually force them to live in OUR realities, just so that WE can feel more secure!! After all, it is the PATIENT whose welfare we are trying to protect and develop, never our own….

I know a lot of people fear that their loved one will some day not recognize THEM, and they are not sure how they will handle the pain of suddenly being a ‘non-entity’. However, it is my personal experience that my mother not recognizing ME was not the saddest part of her illness. Rather, it was when she no longer recognized HERSELF, the things that had brought her great joy in this life, the pleasures in living upon earth were gone, her personality disintegrating, bit by bit, piece by piece, until little else remained….

I do have one golden memory that stands out during those years of caring for my mother. After having a major stroke and being in a coma for a few days, my mother suddenly woke up. She found herself in the hospital bed in our home, and for some reason her mind had gone back to the time when she was hospitalized to give birth to ME!! I came into the room and she asked me who I was - I told her my name and she said, my, I just named my own daughter that name!! I looked into my own mother’s eyes and she was literally glowing with joy and pride!! I knew I had discovered a secret not many children will EVER have the opportunity to witness or grasp, that moment of birth when your own mother is totally in rapturous awe at the thought of YOU coming into their lives!! At that moment, looking into her glowing eyes, I knew what I had longed to know my entire life - That I was truly loved, wanted and desired. My mother loved me!! It was like having an entire glimpse into a past I could NEVER enter otherwise, and what I found was great joy and beauty!! I will never forget the glow of the love my mother carried for me on my birth…..

So, in closing, think about how the Alzheimer patient has experienced a total altered reality - Their perceptions are altered forever - As the disease progresses, they lose more active brain cells and retreat further and further back into their memories, into the lives they once lived. This is not like a MEMORY to them now - It is an ACTUAL LIVING REALITY!! And once in a great while, we get the unique privilege of a glimpse inside their minds, their hearts, their very souls. What we find there is not chaos or turmoil - Instead we find great joy and love in great abundance - We find the beauty of the soul!!

The role of a caregiver at home is usually followed by varying degrees of guilt. This happens irregardless of our effectiveness, as it seems to be virtually impossible to care for one’s loved ones and simultaneously face the realities that we will inevitably lose them. Most of us eventually confront not only the loss of our loved ones, but the guilt that we could have done more, should have known better, would have done differently in retrospect. This  increases not only our guilt, but our grief as well. We long to spare our loved ones from the ongoing progression of disease and death - but we cannot save or rescue them. We are helpless in the face of the inevitable - Life in the body ceases to function and life in the spirit begins. Our loved ones depart houses no longer adequate to hold them and move onto a new dimension, while we remain behind- often shattered by our grief and shackled by our guilt. We only compound our grief when we weigh ourselves down with guilt. We take on a task which requires Herculean effort - and despite our best intentions, there is an end which we anticipate, but seek desperately to avoid. At the end of human life exists a new beginning - not just for our loved ones but for ourselves as well.

Guilt is destructive - It impedes our progress and inhibits our own destinies in this life. We spend our time berating ourselves for where we perceive failure rather than focusing on all the good we achieved, the quality of life we  brought to our loved ones and the character development that ensued as a result. The best knowledge we can possess is that our efforts made a difference in the last days of our loved ones. It takes discipline to focus on the attainment of a higher level of living for all of us as the mortal bonds are broken - However, our loved ones live on in our hearts forever and those eternal bonds remain. Guilt merely clouds our vision and torments our minds - Peace comes as we realize and acknowledge that there was purpose to all we shared - The lessons learned change us and equip us to better empathize with those who follow after along our paths of experience. Release the guilt you carry and listen with your heart - You will truly find your loved ones not only dwell in peace, but wish the same for you as well…..

I address this article to those of you who are the remaining spouse, having placed your loved one into a care facility:

Perhaps you are the type person who needs to stay busy rather than just sit at home in order to cope the best with this situation known as Alzheimers. I would suspect this is the case, and God is making a way of escape for you by leading you to influential people in order to make a significant difference in the lives of otherl Alzheimer patients and caregivers!! As far as your PERSONAL life goes, you are in the midst of living your grief out already. Even though your mate is still alive in their body, you have and are sustaining DAILY losses of them - Their personality is deteriorating along with their body - you are completely separated from your companion of a lifetime. You know that nothing is ever going to be like it was before - your home which you shared is just an empty reminder of better days and also of the trauma which you endured when they were there with you.

Grief started for you long before they got in the care facility and it will continue on after their physical death for a period of time too. The feelings you have are NORMAL, given that you are suffering losses every single day of them in some form or another. And you probably never intended to be apart from them until one of you died. But in alot of ways, they are dying in front of you on several levels. Although you KNOW that their spirit remains unchanged and lives on forever, it is not very often that you SEE this side of  them when you are together. Right now, it is hard for you to grasp that YOU ARE NEVER ALONE, even though they are leaving your life a little at a time every single day....you know the grief of caregivers around the world, the grief of separation from a lifetime partner who has not left this world yet. You will one day face and accept that they have gone on to Heaven and left you behind in this world. But please remember, NONE OF THIS WAS BY THEIR CHOICE - For some reason none of us may ever understand, this disease took them away from you and they cannot come back like they were, strong and dependable, communicative and protective - Those days are gone for good.

Part of the grief is facing these undeniable painful losses as they occur and then finding the strength in God to overcome their staggering potential - I believe this is what you are attempting to do by continuing to be a part of the world around you. The longer you have loved someone, the longer and more pronounced your grief will be - You grieve NOW while they still remain in their body - You will grieve MORE when they leave - But eventually that grief will turn to a form of peaceful acceptance, and you will know they have gone on ahead of you, but it will not bring you pain and devastation any longer. You will have come to a place of acceptance over all of this, every single bit of it. Grief is a process, does not end overnight and the more sensitive you are, the longer it takes. You can expect grief to last up to 6 months or as long as 5 years, depending on the person. It is because you are so sensitive and love so deeply, that you grieve so much. But it is also this quality that God uses in public avenues to reach those who need to HEAR, who need to SEE, who need to LEARN, all that YOU can teach them as His vessel. So, lean wholly on the arm of the Lord, He will not fail you ever - Try not to reason out WHY all this has occurred, cuz you will not find any answers this way - Take every day as God leads you, and never lose sight of the truth the you and your loved one are ONE, for ETERNITY, whether in your bodies or not - And remember that LOVE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT COMMODITY WE HAVE ON THIS EARTH. Walk in it always, and you will be okay in the outcome, I promise you this……