Flashbacks occur when the brain is overloaded with information which is too traumatic for it to sort through - so it puts it aside and then BOOM!! Months, maybe years later, things start coming back to life, literally!! A flashback differs from a memory in that you usually are aware that you are remembering something which occurred in the PAST - You remain secured in TODAY and only rememeber YESTERDAY. However, a true FLASHBACK takes you back in time to the PAST, and you are stuck there just like it is really TODAY!! Usually they do not last very long, however, they can be very frightening and brutal if you are not aware that they will pass. If you have endured and witnessed a great deal of trauma in caring for your loved one, you will find you experience more of these flashbacks after they are gone from this world. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND!! This is a pretty normal occurrence for those who deal with prolonged, traumatic stress situations - much as with the POAs in Vietnam - is also known as ‘post traumatic stress disorder’. Except we, as caregivers, receive no compensation or understanding for our plight!! But there is some value in knowing that what you are experiencing does not indicate a break from mental reality, nor that you are falling apart - Your mind is simply beginning to process all those experiences which it tucked away until you were more able to deal with and handle their realities. Some people have very few flashbacks, especially if they are more positive oriented, can be detached somewhat in their caregiving and lead an active life after the passing of their loved one. Those who are like me, however, find it very difficult to navigate through these flashbacks, as they occur without any warning and can happen weeks to months apart. This is the mind’s way of healing itself, and if you simply go with the flow, the flashback will end and the peace of God will replace it. I know this for a fact, having lived it now for almost four years since my own mother’s passing. My best advice to you is to realize this is a FLASHBACK, not a BREAKDOWN, that it will PASS and you will be OKAY…..

Although my circumstance was connected to caregiving for my own mother, I address this to those caregivers today who are dealing with spousal responsibilites. Loneliness, I believe, is not a condition of the MIND, but of the SPIRIT - You miss what you shared with your loved one before the illness took over - You miss their touch, their companionship, their presence - You are not yet ready to adjust to the world of ‘widow/widower’ as your loved one is still living on the earth - You do not ‘fit’ because others have already moved beyond the physical loss of their mates, and you have not even arrived!! This presents an unbelievable hardship, in my eyes - to watch the person to whom you committed your entire life start to slowly disappear right before your very eyes. I would think it would bring a sadness much deeper than words could ever express and a loneliness which could not be dismissed without the Spirit’s consolation within your heart. Keep your eyes wide open, because surely there is another person out there who has a loved one in a similar condition also. Someone who would understand your loneliness and need for someone to relate your true feelings, not just make small talk. I know you feel no one has ever walked through this ordeal before, but I have learned myself that my experience was not an isolated one either - Yes, the situations are individual to us as human beings, but they are not beyond the realm of human experience!! What this means is that even though my situation seemed tailor made to ME, it has happened to others in different ways, but with the same solution - Turning to God for our help, our hope and our haven.......

Sometimes we face an impasse in our lives to where - without forgiveness - we will advance no further. Old wounds, careless words and deeds have left us bereft and void of positive energy towards those who may truly need us now. We may or may not be given an opening to forgive another - however, we always possess the opportunity to do so!! Forgiveness issues forth from WITHIN us, not from without…We choose whether to forgive those who fail us, hurt us, betray us, deny us - WE make that choice, out of our OWN hearts. People may indeed push us to our human limits, but it is STILL our choice as to how we react and whether we forgive or not. For me, forgiveness does not come easy - but the penalty exacted for my nurturing bad attitudes is that my body, emotions and spirit suffer as a result. First, there is the ORIGINAL injury - Then, as I replay it over and over again in my head, I simply prolong the injury and impede any inner healing which could occur. This is especially important when you become a primary caregiver - Because often there is seething resentment, unresolved conflicts of perhaps decades before - And until these issues are set aside by you personally, they will interfere in the quality of your caregiving. In my personal opinion, CAREGIVING is as much about FORGIVING as it is anything else - Each day, you are confronted with warring emotions, misunderstandings and differing opinions within your immediate family and also from the community at large around you - Each day you CHOOSE to forgive, or you eventually pay the consequences in losses to yourself, your family, and even your community…I also personally feel that forgiveness should not be a CHOICE when it comes to HOME caregiving, but a PREREQUISITE!! I say this because so much stress is sustained on a daily basis, and yes, most of it is aimed at the caregiver, whether deserved or not!! But, having lived both alternatives, my choice lies with forgiving wrongs done or perceived as done to me. In this way, I walk in a measure of peace that the world cannot give, nor can it ever take away ……