Educating Joxer, Act Five by Phil D. Hernandez

Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures, as is The Ballad of Joxer the Mighty. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1998 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. Joxer’s Song of Xena and Gabrielle is an original song and is also © 1998 by Philip D. Hernández. The characters of Agricola, Panea, Aralaus, Talthybius, Nemus and Tegan are his own creations. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer/Ted Raimi, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at broadway@tvi.cc.nm.us.

Back at Tegan’s, Gabrielle suddenly relaxed. "It’s over," she said. "I think everything is all right now. How about some lunch?"

As another enormous meal was set before the bard, Tegan visibly relaxed, too. "We were getting a little worried about you, girl. I thought maybe you’d lost your appetite this morning," she said.

Gabrielle laughed. "Are you kidding? It’s not often Xena lets me indulge like this. If I hadn’t left Poteidaia when I did, I’d be just another fat housewife now."

"Somehow, I don’t think so," one of the regulars said sadly. He wouldn’t have minded a wife like Gabrielle, and knew there was no chance in Olympus or Tartarus he’d win her. But there was that girl over in the next village…

Polishing off her food, Gabrielle announced she was going for a walk, and soon after was in the fields, twirling around with sheer joy at being alive. Xena would be back soon, and there would be another tale for her scrolls. She hoped Xena had found out what was bothering Joxer, too. If not, she’d get it out of him, one way or another. She took her staff and feinted at shadow enemies. She was a little weak yet, but felt her energy returning as the sun shone on her. It would be a near-perfect day, she decided.

That afternoon, Xena and Joxer bade farewell to their new friends and took the road back to Tegan’s inn. It was a more leisurely journey this time, with occasional breaks so Xena could keep Joxer up on his training. They camped once more, and were somewhat more successful at preparing dinner than they had been over breakfast.

While they sat together on a rock with their legs stretched out, an idea occurred to Joxer.

"Aralaus still has that ‘equalizer’ of his, doesn’t he? What’s gonna stop him from doing it all over again?"

Xena smiled and produced a strange-looking vial with hieroglyphics on it. "I took this from him when I picked him up off the ground. He won’t be needing it any more."

She casually tossed the vial into the fire. It broke, and the contents hissed as they evaporated away.

"Xena, I’ve learned a lot from you, and I haven’t given you anything in return. Some friend I’ve been."

"But there is something I can give you. I want you to have this." He pressed the figure of Gabrielle into Xena’s hands. Somehow he had found the time to stain her attire darker than the rest of the wood, and polish the whole to a smooth, lustrous finish.

"And I can carve another one. It’s something you can remember your best friend by. One of my two best friends, too."

"I know. I have to earn her love. The only way I’ll get it is to change inside - and I’m the only one who can do that."

"Now you’re talking. But don’t change too much. We like you for who you are, not who you pretend to be."

"Sure!" He did, and the Warrior Princess closed her eyes for a moment. "Together they will touch your life/And nevermore depart." He’s touched our lives, too. I’m glad we let him join us every so often. He reminds me that I’m human.

The moment stretched into several, then she leaned over a bit and fell asleep. Joxer didn’t wake her up for several long hours. He pulled another piece of wood from his gear and started carving a new figure.

The next day, as they approached the inn, Joxer turned to Xena. "You go on ahead," he said. "I want to do something special for Gabby, and I know you two have a lot of catching up to do."

"Are you sure, Joxer? I know she’d want to see you almost as much as she wants to see me."

"Yes…well, I’d better be doing that special thing. Tell Gabby I’ll be right there."

Xena went on to the inn, leaving Argo at the stable as before, then entered again.

"Joxer? He couldn’t beat an egg!" Everyone laughed at the bard’s joke, except Xena.

"This was one bad egg he did beat. Let me tell you about it." Xena told the group a condensed version of recent events.

"Did Joxer have Hermes put you under a spell or something?" Gabrielle inquired. "Oh, wait, you wouldn’t know if you were under a spell. Gods, this is too weird!" The bard grabbed Xena’s arm, and the Warrior Princess allowed herself to be led to a side table, where she repeated the story, this time in full.

"Just when you think you have him figured out, he comes up with another surprise. I’m beginning to think that ‘Joxer the Mighty’ routine of his is a pretty good disguise."

"Close, but no laurel wreath. He’s been hurt so many times that he’s created his own emotional armor. The way he sees it, a ‘mighty warrior’ can’t be hurt, and wins everybody’s admiration."

"That’s where you’re wrong. When he isn’t trying to be ‘mighty,’ people do admire him. The folks at Pyrgos, for instance. Ephiny. You and I, for that matter, when he’s not acting so obnoxious."

"I’m not kidding about this. You know who the last person was to stand in my way before…before Illusia," she reminded her friend.

"Xena, when you were camped with Joxer, did he cry out about being alone?" she finally asked.

"No, he never mentioned anything like that. He did say he was lonely, though. What made you think of it?"

"I had this dream the other night after you left me here. He was alone, and crying, and then he shouted that he didn’t want to be alone any more."

"Something like that would wake me up," Xena replied. "No, that didn’t happen when I was with him."

"It woke me up, that’s for sure. What could hurt him so much? Was he thinking that who he is never matches up with who he wants to be?"

"That would depress him, all right, but it’s more serious than you think. It’s hard for me to tell you this because I don’t want either one of you getting hurt, but you need to know." The Warrior Princess paused, still unsure she was doing the right thing.

The bard shook her head in denial. "You mean he has a crush on me. Remember when he conjured up three of me?" She blushed at the memory.

"He cares about you more than that. Look at this." Xena took out the figurine. "Joxer made it himself."

"Why, it’s me!" Gabrielle exclaimed. "I didn’t know he was good at anything, except maybe playing the lute and wenching at Meg’s."

"It’s funny," Gabrielle pondered. "He tries so hard to hide his feelings for me, it’s obvious to everyone he meets."

"Sometimes the object of a man’s affections will rationalize his love away. You’ve had a lot to think about since Perdicas died, you know."

"And sometimes she just doesn’t believe it, either because she isn’t expecting it, or because she doesn’t love him and thinks he understands that."

"He knows that. Just don’t laugh at him if he ever gets up the nerve to tell you himself. Maybe someday he’ll become someone you’ll want to know better. You don’t have to love him in return, just be a closer friend. He taught me that."

"If Joxer can teach you anything, then I can try to put up with some of his weirdness. He is my friend, after all. I guess I do like the big jerk." Gabrielle shuddered at that. "But none of this ‘sidekick’ business.

"For one of the two best teachers in the known world," he said, producing an enormous bouquet.

"Flowers! How sweet of you, Joxer!" She stood, accepted the bouquet, inhaled its fragrance deeply, then started coughing. She looked closely at the flowers. "Joxer! -koff- You idiot! -koff koff- There’s a -koff koff- narcissus bloom in there! -koff koff- Don’t you know I’m -koff- allergic to -koff koff koff- narcissus blooms?" Gabrielle was wheezing badly now, just as she had before she was laid up.

"Sorry! -koff koff- Sorry! -koff- "I’ll give you sorry! -koff koff koff-" Gabrielle started beating Joxer over the head with the bouquet.

"Ow! Ow! OW! I said I was – OW! – sorry! Help! XEEE-NA!" He ran out of the inn, pursued by the erstwhile love of his life. Xena was laughing so hard she had to lean on the table to keep from falling out of her seat. Gabrielle’s coughs and Joxer’s cries grew faint in the distance.

No bouquets of flowers were harmed in the writing of this story. Joxer was badly scratched by some thorns, though, for which Gabrielle apologized once she could breathe normally again. There is no truth to the rumor that Xena made her apologize, but she did administer first aid.

Pyrgos is the name of an actual town in Greece. Talthybius is the name of the herald in Euripides’ The Trojan Women. He is full of nasty bad news. Tegan is named for Tegan Jovanka, a character played by Janet Fielding in the BBC TV series Doctor Who, but there is no connection otherwise. "Agricola," of course, is the Latin word for "farmer." As with the Phil Collins song "Susudio," I was using it for a place holder but decided I didn’t need a new name. "La grippe" is an older name for the flu.

The lines about Gabrielle not being a sidekick were written before I saw "Fins, Femmes and Gems." It’s nice to have one’s guesses confirmed.

Thanks to all those responsible for making the movie Educating Rita, especially Julie Walters and Michael Caine.

"Ten Little Warlords," "For Him the Bell Tolls," "A Comedy of Eros," "The Quill Is Mightier," "Warrior…Priestess…Tramp," "The Debt," "King of Assassins," "The Bitter Suite," "One Against an Army," "Forgiven," "Forget Me Not" and "Fins, Femmes and Gems."

My story Owner of a Lonely Heart, the Righteous Brothers, Cheers, Winston Churchill, George & Ira Gershwin, American Graffiti and Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella.

Return to Act Four

E-mail Phil Hernández

Visit Phil's site: ROC of Ages

Return to XenaCrazed's General Fan Fiction and Poetry

Go to the Absolutely XenaCrazed Home Page