Memento Mori

Mulder: The truth will save you, Scully. I think it will 
        save  both of us.
Scully: ...I think we both know that.. right now, the truth 
        is in me. And that's where I need to pursue it, as 
        soon as possible. 

Opening Speech

For the first time, I feel time like a heartbeat. The 
seconds pumping in my breast like a reckoning. The 
numinous mysteries that once seemed so distant and unreal
threatening clarity, and the presence of the truth 
entertained not in youth, but only in its passage. I feel 
these words as if their meaning were weight being lifted from 
me. Knowing that you will read them, and share my burden as 
I have come to trust no other. That you should know my 
heart, look into it, finding there the memory and experience 
that belong to you...that are you, is a comfort to me now, as 
I feel the tethers loosen, and the prospects darken for 
the continuance of a journey that began not so long ago, and 
that began again with a faith shaken and strengthened by 
your beliefs. If not for which I might never have been so 
strong now, as I cross to face you, and look at you in 
complete, hoping that you will forgive me for not making the 
rest of the journey with you.

Second Journal Entry

In med school, I learned that cancer arrives in the 
body unannounced, a dark stranger who takes up residence, 
turning its new home against itself. This is the evil of 
cancer; that it starts as an invader, but soon becomes one 
with the invaded. Forcing you to destroy it, but only at the 
risk of destroying yourself. It is science's demon 
possesion. My treatments: science's attempted exorcism. 
Mulder, I hope that in these terms you might know it, and 
know me. And accept this stranger so many recognize but 
cannot ever completely cast out. And if the darkness should 
have swallowed me as you read this, you must never think 
that there was the possibility of some secret 
intervention, something you might have done. I know 
we've travelled far together; this last distance must 
necessarily be travelled alone.

Third Entry

I have not written to you in the last twenty-four hours 
because the treatment has weakened my spirit as well as my 
body. Mulder, it's difficult to describe to you the fear 
of facing an enemy which I can neither conquer nor escape. 
Penny Northern has taken a downturn; I now look at her 
with a respect that can only come from one who is about to 
walk the same dark path. Seeing her, I can't help but see 
myself in a month, or a year. I pray that I have her courage 
to face this journey. Mulder, I feel you close, though I 
know that you are now pursuing your own path. For that, I 
am grateful. I need to know that you're our there if I am 
ever to see through this.