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The views expressed on this page do not necessarily reflect those of the staff of the Institute for the Study of Atheianity, the Blind Fools Online Magazine staff, nor of any "person" in their right mind.
They may reflect, however, the view of Peter Singer, an outspoken Darwinian bioethics "expert".
Table of Contents
Proudly presents the opening of . . .
So, you're planning a family . . .
Has your brain put any thought into how your offspring might come out? Well it should and we have.
Following the succe$$ of our successful Godbotomy wing addition, we have just completed construction of the "N-D.D.O.G.M.W.S-O-T-A.R.C.G.S." building within the Darwinus St. Bogus Mediplex.
View of back of ward from across the ditch.
Question: Will your offspring be able to pass on its (your) genes? Will it be fit enough in today's/tomorrow's ever-evolving upward and onward society? Do you have medical insurance?
If you're not sure about the first two and answered emphatically "yes" to the last one, KEEP READING...
We know that you want the best for your child and are willing to spend large amounts of money to obtain it. That's why we want to meet with you and tell you about our new ground-breaking service.
Utilizing Neo-Darwinian processes, we can almost assure you that your future bundle of joy will be birthed as a higher evolved member of the homo-sapien animal species.
What is Neo-Darwinism you ask? We answer that it's the mechanism by which the proven evolutionary process occurs.The formula is simple:
If you're not sure that evolution is a scientific fact and have doubts due to right-wing fundamentalist christian dogma indoctrination, we have an entire educational staff that can help you with your misguided questions.
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Dr. Jons Hopekins Proving Evolution
(From an actual textbook!)
Once you have been convinced that evolution is true, you may want to enquire if mutations can be good. And we say emphatically, "maybe"! At least sometimes they are and if you (we) do it right, you can pick the offspring(s) with the beneficial and favorable ones to keep and discard the rest (this is where natural selection comes in to play).
And, of course, it depends on what your definition of "good" is.
Besides, mutations have had a bad rap over the years because only the undesirable ones are focused on. But obviously mutations are good in an overall sense because, well, here we are - and we wouldn't be if it were not for them.
To help change this negative connotation that the masses of general public have, we have started to call them "happy hiccups".
But if you are still hesitant about happy hiccups [genetics mutations] after our counseling, we will schedule you for an immediate godbotomy® (which is now an outpatient procedure).
Once all of this has been taken care of, you will naturally want to know how the procedure is done and if we are competant (sp?) to do it. Let's tackle the first one.
Happy hiccups are the result of a several causes which are, but not limited to, toxic chemicals, radiation, maybe lasers, and most assuredy jerky roller coaster rides - all of which we utilize in our patented process.
We know that you think that toxic chemicals are not good. But again, it depends on what your definition of "good" is, and we assure you that we have the good ones.
The stuff that legends are made of.
We also know that you are thinking, "Radiation? - Are you crazy?!" You may be right. We may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for.
Just kidding! That's a little (ahem) Billy Joel humor that we (um) ... never mind.
Anyway, no, we're not crazy. We're scientists. We learned this stuff from universities and textbooks. What, do you think that we just make this stuff up?
Again, in the overall scheme of things, radiation is not only our friend but our ally in the war on non-evolutionism.
If you still feel uneasy about this, just stare at the following graphic until your fears subside...
Hi there. I am your friend. I like you.
There, doesn't that feel better?!
Now that you're beyond your radiatiophobia, we know that you are now going to have reservations about lasers because you have proven yourself to be a whiner. And once again the onus will be on us to take time out of our busy schedule and prove to you otherwise.
OK, try to keep up. The medical field has been using lasers for years now with very few mishaps. And the more qualified the technician, the fewer the mishaps.
And we would like to assure you that our head of laser stuff department, Dr. Al Burt, is qualified and trained to use the latest equipment (that we have).
Dr. Al Burt, head of Laser Stuff Dept. at D.S.B.
(Doesn't he look smart and qualified?)
If the way our staff looks doesn't reassure you, then we have other ways of making you talk ... we mean ... believe. No, wait, that doesn't sound good either. Let's see ... oh yeah. We have other ways of making you understand. That's it, understand.
And one of those ways to change the word itself. "Laser" also has a bad rep thanks to films like Star Wars, Star Trek, and A Star is Born.
From now on we will refer to lasers as "love lights". And you should too.
Another way is shown below. Just stare at the graphic until you feel the momentum shifting from rejection to doubt to accepting embrace...
Now that you've mentally embraced the practice of having a "love light" shot at your reproductive organs, we have a small film (produced by the D.S.B. Video Production Dept.) that we would like for you to watch (for your enjoyment, with free popcorn and soda) that will push you over the edge of doubt.
Finally! Finally you have been convinced that mutations are good and an active evolutionary force. You have also been conviced of our process and our ability to actually execute it.
You have been convinced.
And now that you are convinced, let's go on to the next page to learn what you have coming to you once you have signed on the dotted line (because you are convinced and your insurance cleared)...