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The views expressed on this page may still reflect the view of Peter Singer, an outspoken bioethics "expert" and animal rights activist (excluding human animals, of course).
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Well, we have learned that you are still not convinced that evolution happens and that genetic mutations (a.k.a. happy hiccups) are the mechanism by which said evolution occurs. You are still be hesitant about going through with the procedure.
May we remind you that other people WILL be, and your child may very well be left behind in a cloud of dust kicked up by the stampede of higher-evolved classmates racing ahead and he/she will one day be forced to work behind the welcome desk of some remote creation science museum out in the sticks just to be able to survive in mediocre obscurity.
You don't want that, do you? Of course not.
Take a look below and think to yourself, "Which one would I want Junior to be?"
At first glance you may not know which one you would want to keep, but let us point out a few positives about specemin #2 (on the right) which is a "possible" result (as calcutated by an actual computer) of our process:
1) Two eyes are better than one, so three are even more better. Depth perception will be one third greater than that of an average normal child. This will aid in driving a car and in sports (which is very very important these days).
2) A third upraised arm/hand extending from the head region is also a happy bonus. Child will be able to pat and scratch himself on the head. It also acts as a handle in which you can pull the child up - no more bending over for Mom!
Third arm/hand will also aid in sports performance. Note: the resemblance here to a fundy raising his hand up during deity worship is simply a freak coincidence. This bug was the result of a defect in the computer code and has been eliminated.
3) Notice the lower ear pointing downward. We're not sure how this is an advantage, but there has to be one.
Here's one more possible outcome of our process with advantages listed...
1) Child will never be lonely.
2) Child will always have something to play with.
3) Child will be able to head-butt himself.
There you have it. Any and all reasons for not going through with the procedure has been dealt with.
And now that we're really really sure that you have really really been convinced, and your insurance has cleared, and you've signed on the dotted line, let's finally get on with it!
Upon arriving on procedure day, you will be whisked to our lead-lined operating room where you'll be put under and your dna will be tampered with.
Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit.
Upon awakening you'll have to leave the premises immediately (one of our armed escorts will be happy to show you the way).
Then it is your job to go out and get pregnant. It doesn't matter who you choose to be the father of your offspring. And don't worry about being able to find one - there are plenty of sperm whale in the ocean.
Happy hunting, have fun, and see you in nine months...