Awesome Mom!

AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.
One day he told the teacher, "I don't want to scare
you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades
somebody's going to get a spanking."

You Know You're A Mom When...

10. You know you're a mom when you automatically double-knot everything you tie.

9. You know you're a mom when you find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

8. You know you're a mom when you hear a
baby cry in the grocery store and you start
to gently sway back and forth...back and forth
however...your children are at school!!!

7. You know you're a mom when you can never
go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming outside the door.

6. You know you're a mom when you actually start
to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

5. You know you're a mom when you weep through the
scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away...not to mention what Bambi does to you.

4. You know you're a mom when you actually start understanding the Klingon language.

3. You know you're a mom when you get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called: "101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells."

2. You know you're a mom when you spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say..."Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

1. You know you are a mom when you are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize as you are talking you have reached over and carefully started to cut up his steak!

Morning Prayer

The Beatitudes of Motherhood

•Blessed is she whose car floor is covered with French fries, for she shall never be hungry.

•Blessed is she who goes to work with baby spittle on her shoulder, for she shall never have the opportunity to be proud about her appearance.

•Blessed is she whose checking account is a mess, for she is forced to truly and wholly trust her heavenly Father.

•Blessed is she who has children, for she will never doubt the doctrine of original sin.

•Blessed is she who has memorized Dr. Seuss's "Hop on Pop", for she will always be a hit at parties.

•Blessed is she who intervenes between warring siblings, for she shall be called a peacemaker.

•Blessed is she who gives up her career, her figure, her looks and her life for her children's sake, for she shall be called "Mommy".

"In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.." - Mary Poppins

REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF MY KIDS HAVE TAUGHT ME

1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten
anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better
off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sprinkles.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.

14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

15. Making your bed is a waste of time.

16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

18. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.

19. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.

20. Don't pop someone else's bubble.

21. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to
brake on the way down.

22. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll
have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.

23. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

24. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.

25. Make your mother proud of you.

TODDLER'S PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it should never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it
down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours. And when it's fixed, it's mine!

"Before you put on a frown, make absoluately sure there are no smiles available.." - Jim Beggs

Toddler Miracle Diet

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or
you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the
all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or
quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is
all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends
you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!

Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most
two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee
and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation
with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able
to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety
and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure
to check with your doctor ... otherwise you might have to see him
afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE
-------
Breakfast
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1
bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).


Dinner
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale root beer.

Bedtime Snack
Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
-------
Breakfast
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.


Lunch
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of
Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring
inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your
left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE
---------
Breakfast
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put
it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch
Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some cooking wine, coffee.

FINAL DAY
---------
Breakfast
A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add a half-cup of
sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.


Lunch
Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

"Laughter is a good workout for the brain...sort of like internal jogging. But the good part is that it won't leave you stiff the next day.." - Thelma Canarecci

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