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Overview
Collection #1
Collection #2
Collection #3
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Joke Collection #2
YOU GET WHAT YOU WISH FOR.....from PROMANCE
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job
that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great
(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good,
he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS!?" And this poor quaking little monkey
replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while
later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST
AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS!?" The deer is shaking so hard it
can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the
mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up
to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top
of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE!?!"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him
down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just
because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."
Connections
The highway patrolman was checking the license of the driver he'd
stopped.
"You're supposed to be wearing glasses," he said
"But Officer, I have contacts," said the driver.
"I don't care who you know, you're violating the law," the patrolman replied.
The Old Rooster
An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The
current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years,
and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he
buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the
barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he
gets a little worried.
"So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got to do
something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the
new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you? Well
I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.I'll bet I'm still the better bird,
and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We'll run
around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for
himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was
more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm so great, I'll
even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy."
So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens
gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the
roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his
lead. after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is
still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to
slip each time around, by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the
young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his
shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his
chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young rooster chasing after the old
rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young
rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..."Damn, that's the third gay
rooster I've bought this month."
from Steve Winton
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT....from ASUM1
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department
was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire
department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be
called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any
assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled
straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and
stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that
right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news
reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do
with the
funds. "That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat.
"The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!
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