TAURUS: When I was a testosterone-possessed high school dude on a raging quest for sweet female favors, I was fond of murmuring "prove your love" to any girl who found herself teetering on the brink of going all the way with me in the back seat of my parents' car. Now that I'm a sensitive feminist man, of course, I would never be so manipulative as to use that phrase as a seduction gambit. I still might say "prove your love" to someone, but now it would mean stand by me in my hour of need, or don't withdraw from me even though we disagree, or collaborate with me in finding a way to make our intimacy more sacred and profound. What about you, Taurus? How will you act out my suggestion that you prove your love?Written 11 a.m. and typed later on:AQUARIUS: May is Adopt-an-Aquarius month. It's meant to be observed by all of your tribe, not just orphans and disinherited rebels. You need guidance and support and cash grants from a wise elder, my child! I encourage you to be unabashed in tracking down this trustworthy guardian in whatever form makes you feel most cared for, whether that's a mentor, foster parent, big sister or brother, sugar mama or sugar daddy, or fairy godmother. Maybe at one time or another in your life you've uttered the curse most every kid screams: "I never asked to be born!" In the coming weeks you can permanently correct that karma.
GEMINI: The brilliant bad boy of philosophy, Friedrich Nietzsche, used to say that many of his best ideas came while he was out walking. Not while he was jogging. Not while he was pumping away at his exercise bicycle and watching reruns of The Simpsons. There was something about walking that stimulated his genius like nothing else. Which is why I'm prescribing lots of long walks for you this week, Gemini. To get unstuck from the fix you're in, you're going to need to call on at least eight miles' worth of the genius that only walking can stir, preferably more. Real Astrology
(For once this guy was extremely fucking accurate. Especially with mine =(
Midnight I get a call from Zoe....Remington is depressed. He just got homework to do, Marianne apparently doesn't want to eat lunch with him anymore, Melissa's always getting into him (she acts like a jealous girlfriend...it's really puzzling), and with us dividing up all his time..he's "feeling compressed."
And the scary part? Apparently this is how he felt when he dumped his other multiple girlfriends.
The only thing we could do to fix part of his problems was to avoid him...we agreed that neither of us would see him on Sundays so he could have some private time. And if he needs private time immediately, to suggest not getting together this Friday. (She didn't think he'd go for that, but she thought he'd like the Sunday idea). I also said I could avoid him weeknights. She was going to break the news to him this a.m...too bad she couldn't e-mail/IRC to let me know how it went.
I'm writing this in design class right now, and I'm really nervous about him showing up on IRC this afternoon. I certainly can't avoid him tonight- massage class and another Rumsey trip- but I kinda wish I could- I feel funny about him now, like I really shouldn't be bugging him. Especially after yesterday's conversation about me bugging him. Definitely NOT going to constantly message him on my own today. I am tempted to avoid IRC today, but that's stupid, seeing as I do have to see him today. And I have to talk to him about picking me up anyway. But I'm nervous about his reaction...he'll probably like the Sunday idea, and I don't know how I feel about that. I'm sort of feeling like part of it is my fault for always being around on weekdays omnipresently. I don't have a problem with him attempting to do stuff while I'm over, I do other things...I guess I'm not very good about it, though, or he's not satisfied with that. Whatever, I kinda feel like a failure. A smotherer. And while I can stand it seeing him Sunday, I know I'll be hugely tempted to want to whine at him to stop over here when he's through. Which probably isn't good...I don't know how he's going to take this (badly? goodly? Which is better?), and I'll be afraid to ask today. If he chooses to message me, that's fine, but I am not going to seek him out today. Busy myself with other things.
While I agree tha he could use private time too, I sorta wish we didn't have to...go to drastic (seeming) avoidance measures. I don't like thinking that I have to avoid him even more than I do on weekends.
1:30 p.m. He was online when I got in around 12:30 (Marianne had gone to lunch without him again, according to the log. Shit.). I nervously logged on and he said hi, he didn't talk to me much other than messaging that he didn't want to go to Rumsey tonight after all. The tone of it sounded like normal cheerfulish Remington...but nooooo mention of anything. And I'm afraid to ask. I went to lunch and returned and he hasn't talked to me again. Nor me to him.
Update, written Friday: I didn't bug him all day. Which I suppose made him happy. I said I won't do it any more, and he got all "but...but..." about it. Yeah, right. You want it that way, I have to go cold turkey. Otherwise I'm just too tempted.
So I didn't find out about what happened that a.m. until after massage, when Remington and I went up to the GSA offices so he could get a check and then we went on IRC to see if anyone else wanted to go play pool with us that night. (Eventually agreed to go to Denny's with Sarah instead though, so she could drool on this Australian boy working there). And Zoe came on IRC and asked how things went. Which is when I officially found out.
While he vehemently protested us not getting together Friday, he apparently agreed without comment to Sundays. And also a weeknight. And it's apparently Not Okay to just not see him all day and still sleep with him that night. Zoe went on to me about the importance of the frame of mind of sleeping alone. Not that I get that at all. I did it for 20 years straight and just am not that excited by it. I have a really hard time grasping how 24/7 (as she put it) is so hard. Nobody other than my parents has ever wanted me around 24/7. And now I'm wanted around even less.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, and I'm not admitting it to them at all, but I'm
They're all "this is how it has to be or else we all get dumped." Okay, he didn't say that and she did, but it all makes me feel awful. I already feel like it's mostly my fault because I see him weekdays and bug him at work. I felt like I gave him time, but apparently NOT.
And what's even worse? (as if it could get much worse feeling for me now) He's putting it all on ME to enforce the law. (He disagrees with this analysis, by the way.) Says I'll have to force him to leave. But I don't want to at all. And he should NOT trust me too. I told him that. Several times. He still insists. He guilts me into it!!! "If you really love me, you'll do this." Jerk. Jackass. And Zoe's all (basically) "if you don't, we both get dumped." How nice, if I can't do what I don't want to, I screw us both over. If I don't, we both get dumped. I love getting ultimatums.
I just feel like such utter shit when I think about this. And since having him sleep over nights is now VERY VERY BAD, there is no way to solve this and make me feel better. It's all my fucking problem. Which we can't even discuss because I'll hurt everyone and sound evil. I was really close to crying through most of the conversation last night, I hope to god he didn't notice that (I kept my back turned from him). I don't know why I feel so bad over something so practical and indisputable. I'm crying again right now thinking about it. It's all ridiculous. And I kinda dread going there tonight, and having to discuss it all again, and attempting to keep from crying isn't working real well. I don't want them to know I feel this bad and let them know I'm this selfish and rotten.
I was good today, I didn't bug him. Though he did message me for a bit saying that he just wanted to check in with me. =)
I did have a better night than I'm in the mood to tell here, Denny's was fun and Remington was very sweet to me the rest of the night/morning, and he even showed up in my English class coincidentally (he found a wallet of someone in there) =). But when I think of this, I feel shitty. And I had to write this before I leave today.
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