"Let me say first of all that I think antidepressants are way over-prescribed. While I'm sure that there are many people whose only problem is a simple chemical imbalance that can be easily fixed by adding more chemicals to the mix, I tend to think that most of us get depressed because we live a pointless, stressful existence that is totally unsuited to our status as intelligent, active, creative, curious mammals.Warning: Full of random crap here and very few segues.We start off by locking up our young in airless rooms and telling them to sit still for six hours a day, and then we take those members of our species with the most active, effective brains and reward them by locking them up in airless rooms and telling them to sit still for eight to ten hours a day. If any members of the species find themselves unable to adapt to this environment, we tell them they have a brain defect, like ADD or hyperactivity or chronic depression.
Duh. Lock a puppy in a closet everyday and see how happy it is." Beth (Lizzie's back and with another journal and i.d. Woo hoo!)
Sorry this one's so non-soap-ish. No guy events really. No wars. No excitement (then again, no disasters either, thank God). I kinda feel bad about that at times- "My Soap-Operatic Life" not living up to the name. Or maybe it's because I was thinking about how I've gone through periods in which I've been e-mailing (or chatting now) with people regularly, and theirs were always "What's up with you?" They never seem to have much going on with them when I ask, the whole conversation is my life/they play my shrink. Are they following my soap? Two of them got tired of my soap, maybe everyone else will too?
I think I'm getting sick (dammit!). So many people at the haunted house were sick, wanted to shake hands, no sink to use. Anyway, now I've got a dry throat, not great. At least I can still breathe out my nose (for now).
So . . . yesterday went well. Very little parental fighting, which is good. Dad didn't hate his present, which is a miracle. It only took an hour and a half more to finish my first drawing (albeit I got up at 9 a.m. in the freezing cold to do it), finished the other around midnight. Got some food, some hair clips, and a book. Pretty good day for me, aside from the weather, ick ick ick . . .
I haaaaate winter. Being so cold you can't not wear gloves and still expect your fingers to work. Having to wear three layers of clothing at a time plus jacket. Ugh! Why do so many people I know LIKE this???
No news today, really. My second drawing for class turned out bad (you couldn't tell what it was), yet the teacher didn't hate it. Surprise! How weird was that?
Did not go to social committee tonight, I don't even think there's a meeting (I asked Angela's suitemate if there was one, she didn't know but said Angela hadn't come back from another meeting yet). Well, I said I was considering not going. And it's not as if there's a point to having one anyway, seeing as nobody's social without a keg involved. The whole thing annoys me. Maybe that'll get me over this crush: when I get mad, that seems to erode the feelings.
Went on the UCD newsgroup again and read some messages. One guy who's been having a bad life too put up this whole list of "stuff that sucks," and I of course added on to it . . . the whole thing divided into factions of whiners, those who don't like whining, and those who are actually having happy lives (hard to believe, huh?). A few things from that I'd like to share:
"Having people who you know are the best thing to come along in a long time develop crushes on you yet for god knows what reason you just can't get interested in them back sucks."I so sympathize. Then this one's from the happy contingent:
"I was asked out on four dates last week and that rules."And here, I so don't relate to that. I've been asked out four times in the last YEAR. (Did the asking myself once, if you care) Yep, I'm not popular.
Hmmm, they're doing nuns on Ally McBeal- "we're not that kind of sanctuary" for chicks who just had bad breakups. Damn, what a shame. It was our last refuge.
Biscuit singing to the frog, how warped. And what a fake body double for Whipper! What was she, 19? Come on! Why couldn't they just do a leg and shoulder shot of Dyan and be realistic? Stupid, stupid! That priest with the videotapes . . . damn, that's funny!
I LOVE THAT LINE about how we're wired to want what we really don't want 'cause we're women. EXCELLENT! I wish I'd been taping that. I want a guy very badly, and yet I don't want to wind up like that. How sick!
Another quick TV remark: Damn, Vicki and Ben on Suddenly Susan were nauseatingly annoying! What a-holes! That whole ""We're a couple now, we should be doing couple things" stuff, well, BARF. That's just so moronic to me. I could really get into that, but I won't, there's other fish to fry.
Just some guy-related stuff I wanted to mention:
"In the morning, over coffee, I made one of my offhand comments about the future, the kind that always start with "when we break up." I do that all the time -- it doesn't mean I want to break up, ever; I just don't want to seem presumptuous. That's my greatest fear, that I will assume too much. I can handle any kind of rejection as long as I haven't gotten my hopes up in the first place." BethSO TRUE!!!! I've even caught myself referring to guys as my "current" (i.e. "my current boyfriend", "my current lust object"), just to emphasize that they aren't permanent.
Anyway, been reading Breakup Girl again- heck, her book was the one I bought yesterday. I should go back and find some stuff from it for here.
This letter at the beginning of the column hit me for the familiarity of it:
"I'm a 31 year old woman/girl who has been happy to be single for about 1.2 years. For the first 1.0 years I was very happy to not be attached to someone. I have had some very unhealthy relationships in the past, (starting at age 17) and this present break from the pain and the passion and the excitement and the horror and the sex and the waiting, waiting, waiting for the phone to ring syndrome has been the most productive and stress-free period in my life so far.The verdict was that she was normal for the fantasy bit . . . but come on, that's what I do! I have no actual "love life" involving an actual person. I haven't for quite some time now. I have my fantasies that I yap on and on about for pages and pages and pages (and let's face it, that's the soapishiest part of this page: my lust objects and to see if I'll ever get anywhere with any of them.) If I didn't have these silly lust objects, would I even HAVE a page? Probably not, no one's real interested in a soap about family fights and constant bitching.I have sorted a lot of things out and feel very strong but I have found that during this period of single-hood, there has always been someone on my mind that I have fixated on, making me feel as though I do have a love life when actually I don't.
How can I stop myself from clinging to ridiculous fantasies about guys I hardly know and then feeling really stupid when I find out (after months of building up the fantasy) that they are Married, Gay or just in need of a babysitter. I seem to thrive (until they dissolve) on these psuedo-relationships in which I don't actually know the guy but feel content and fulfilled just thinking about how gorgeous they are and how excited I am about seeing them next. Could it be that I have these fantasy relationships to protect myself from the cruel world of relationships that I have experienced in the past? Probably yes." -Clare
Having no love interests or desire for one, as short as it lasted, was GREAT. I was calm, content, not horny/hormone-ruled, and probably as close as I get to "normal." I wonder if I'm getting back to that? Since I won't be seeing Sean again, and I'm annoyed at Jensen (feeling less lustful, I'll put it that way), I'm feeling closer to what I was actually like then. If not for the guilt thing over the guy from Saturday, I'd be doing good. (Oh, I peeked at his door- the sign says "Emmanuel"- I was almost right!)
But she does exactly what I do: pretends to have a love life. I don't feel content though when I do this . . . just thinking how cute they are and how I want to see them doesn't do it for me. I actually WANT the people I check out. Bad for me.
Okay, on to the book: She's got a few games I found interesting . . . a game in which you dare a friend to think of a word that DOESN'T remind you of your ex- perfect! She also has "Cute Couple Bingo"- I'd make mine "Cute Couple Target Practice." Voodoo dolls (love 'em!).
She's got this perfect section on the first date after breakup, how the girl is either reminded of the ex or trying to picture what life would be like with the guy if you got married. (Scary, boys, but true. I had all these fantasies about marrying a lawyer back in the Kiwini period, and there was no reason at all to do that. Silly!
And in the back there are monthly observances that I enjoyed:
April: 7th, No Housework Day (right on!)
September: third week, National Singles Week
November: Jewelry Month!!!!! (Of course, everyone I know is thinking, "Yeah, with you EVERY month is jewelry month." And they'd be right!), 19th, Have A Bad Day Day
December: 21st, Humbug Day; 26th, National Whiner's Day (woo hoo!).
Mail me random info below.
© 1997 jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu
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