Hilarious Internet Humor - I'm Glad I'm a Woman


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	I'm Glad I'm a Woman I'm Glad I'm a Man

I'm Glad I'm a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown,
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooter's, I won't pinch your butt,
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut,
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind,
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb,
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketballs.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band,
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see,
you can forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks,
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick,
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

It's Great to be a Woman !

Free drinks.

Free dinners.

Free movies (you get the point).

You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.

You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.

You know The Truth about whether size matters.

Speeding ticket? What's that?

New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.

If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, you're not the devil.

Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.

If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.

It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower (unless you're military).

Brad Pitt / Mel Gibson.

You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.

If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.

You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.

No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her butt.

If you have a zit, you can conceal it.

You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.

If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

You have the ability to dress yourself.

You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.

You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.

You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

You can quickly end any fight by crying.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

You've never had a goatee.

Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.

You'll never regret piercing your ears.

You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

You don't have hair on your back.

You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

I'm Glad I'm a Man

Everyday I give thanks to God,
I was born a man instead of a broad.
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV,
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee.
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon,
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on.
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts,
I use my turn signal, I understand sports.

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man,
Tell you the reason I am.
I don't go through a faze every 28 days,
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons,
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the john.
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail.
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale.
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror,
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer.
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass,
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass.

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man,
Tell you the reason I am,
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain.
Man, I'm glad I'm a man.

Let me tell you ladies,
Listen to me ladies,
I love those things inside of your blouse,
I love your pretty faces,
Your warm and soft embraces,
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house.

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date,
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate.
When someone asks me my age, I never lie,
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry.
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines,
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans.
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie,
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday.

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man.
Tell you the reason I am,
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill.
Man, I'm glad I'm a man.

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man.
Tell you the reason I am,
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'.
Man, I'm glad I'm a man.

It's Great To Be A Guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you lost or gained weight.
10. Drycleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. (Unless you smash them into the boards.)
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
3. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time!
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work ... more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add to your character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friend you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you are not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut and mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So ... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch.
100. There's always a game on somewhere.

Looks Like.....

Guys Win !

What Women Say... What They Really Mean
What Men Say... What They Really Mean
Excerpts from a
1950 Home Economics Textbook
Why Men & Women Sometimes Fail to Communicate
How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time
How to Satisfy a Man Every Time
* Software Warning *
Wife Version 1.0
Girl Friend Version 1.2
Why Men Cannot Win
Are Men & Women Really Different?
A man & a woman get a haircut
Help for Women
How to understand your man
How his brain really works...
(Does his brain work?)
What is He Really Thinking
What Does a Man Really Want
10 Steps to Keeping Your Man Happy
Wisdom for Women
A Cheatsheet for Women
A Man's Answers to Every Question a Woman Ever Asked

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