What's the reality? Well, first off put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex." Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!

All right, as a male I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you -- non tri-pods -- but what the hell. Here goes.

Here's what men want from women. Simply stated One through Ten:

1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes. All right? Yours or ours. All we need is one pair of shorts and one pair of sneakers. That's it.

2. Don't talk to us while the TV is on. All right? Making it simpler to understand, TV is off, we talk. TV is on, we don't talk.

3. When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of tire irons, all right?

4. Would it kill you to watch "The Godfather" with me for the fifty-seventh time?

5. Hey, I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know, I'll betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."

6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at the bar when I was drunk and single.

7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long as David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.

8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consume instead of the bowl of lima bean consommé from the Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai. All right?

9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why the fuck did I marry this hamster?"

10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light.

    Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blow job once in a while?