Denial Is My Friend

I Thought...

I thought that I could play with love
as softly as a song
But when I tried to play with love
I found that I was wrong
His fingers tangled in my hair
his kiss was sweet and slow
and when I tried to run away
I found I could not go

Opal Shoemaker B.(1926-1989)

By Barbara Halstead

Don't say that 
Don't tell me that 
Don't even let your heart  believe that 
Don't say that 
You don't feel that 
your confused
with the beat of your heart 
and the glance of your eye
Look past that 
Feel deeper longer 
why you ask 
Those words you use
Are always over used
Don't say that 
Don't scare me 
Please 
don't say that .....

Well, we have not discussed the Zoe issue...much. He didn't mention it all Tuesday night (phew, IMO), instead we laid around and watched TV and had some conversation on other um, topics.

He thinks I'm mysterious, for some reason I don't comprehend...I've told him about everything, including stuff I didn't want to tell...I mentioned some stuff about how I blab everything, like the computer diary...he wondered what I wrote in it, I said the stuff I want to remember, like things he said. (And some other stuff I am NOT mentioning.)

God, I wish I'd had time to write about Tuesday yesterday, but I didn't get to it at all...a busy, busy day. Now I can't really remember what I was going to write about, I only remember things that I won't mention. Geez.

No, wait, I thought of one: I figured out how to do hickies. He gave me another one, and then, well, I wanted retaliation...did some practicing, thinking that I hadn't gotten anywhere...what a surprise to discover in the light of day that I'd managed to give him FOUR of the things. (Fortunately for him this is a turn-on).

Oh yeah, and he is going to buy us the drinks tonight (Thurs), I invited him to the party, he said he didn't have anything going on Friday as yet...I assume that means he's going? (Sarah told me that Mike said "Remington is NOT sleeping over here!" Sheesh, yeah, right. What's he think we're gonna do, go at it on his couch?)

Anyway, I'll guess I'll just start out talking about Wednesday...went to school, bought Remington a pin (possibly for Valentines?), hung out with Sarah for her birthday, griped to her about whether or not I should do anything for him for Valentines, if he's not gonna be around (that irritates me). However, since knowing his plans for Valentines if he hadn't been leaving town were to invite both of us to a party at his house...in my opinion, that's really well...okay, so I don't know what else you would do in that uh, situation on that uh, day, but...weird.

I sometimes feel like I love him...or that I want to say it, at any rate...but, well, now I don't want to. I go back and forth...I hope I don't! I really do, 'else I'll be screwed...denial is my friend, so long as I deny I'm happy. Not a good thing, but it keeps me feeling better. Her line about her loving him as a friend for a long time is sticking in my mind.

This whole thing is weird to me.

I have GOT to move faster on doing this entry, I'm not going to get to finish it tonight, I'm pretty sure...

Okay, so I had arranged with Remington to get together when I finished studying (we kept e-mailing sillily back and forth) and he got home from his meeting (he said the entire executive board of the GSA laughed at all his hickies..."You naughty minx, you.")

I also had a Spotfans meeting...and yay! My name suggestion (Elgonquin Round Table) was chosen! Yay!

At his house later that night, he did mention her once...that he wanted me to get along with Zoe and all his friends. Huh. He wanted to know what I was going to do or what I thought about it or something like that, I said I was going to write her back, I've just been busy n'stuff. He said that I could send it to him if I wanted to...I said nothing. I don't want to, I don't know why I don't want to though. Trying to keep SOMETHING private here, maybe?

I fell asleep while we were watching Deep Space Nine...okay, so it was one a.m., but still...I apolgized for it the next a.m. and he said it was cute. (I suspect he thinks everything I do is cute nowadays!)

And there's one thing I really wanted to remember, and can't now...I asked what all his random meowing meant, and as he was explaining the many varied reasons, I do recall he mentioned the l word somewhere in it...sadly I don't really what it was, sort of like when he was doing something loving or something like that? I dunno.

Anyway, I've been on chat with him the entire afternoon, and having more nauseating conversations about tongues being grabbed and how cute our nicknames look next to each other on IRC =) I know, gagging people. And trying to write this, and stalling on doing the e-mail and calling Sarah and things like that.

Oh, and here's something off newsgroup...Remington put up a list of things you could find on the Internet, and under the category of "love affairs" he put this link. I posted with an "Awwwwwwww... =)" and after he saw it he put on IRC "aww yourself, jen. :)"

I should probably quit doing this...and well, write that e-mail. I'm all nervous, ugh.

Well, I called Sarah to find out about the alcohol-buying, but she wasn't home, so I left a message and went back on IRC. As I was writing the e-mail I asked Remington about when he could do it, etc., and he goes, "Zoe's wondering if you're gonna write her back." So I said I was and I'm doing it right now...so he said he's writing her back too. (Sigh) I said that I felt kind of at a loss for words, so it's going slowly. He said it was a bloody hard e-mail to write, I agreed. After I sent it to her he said thanks a lot and "I'm really glad you're taking this seriously." I was all, how would I not take it seriously, and he said "you'd be amazed what some people can manage to mentally sweep under the rug."

As I, the Queen of Denial lately, read it...well, I sort of agreed with him in the conversation, but kept my mouth shut otherwise. Then I had to leave for class, and he said "bye, gorgeous. :)" and I melted again.

So. You're all wondering exactly what I said to her. How to tell?

Well, I really didn't say a lot, or respond much to the really uh, dicey information. I kinda agreed with her that this was awkward, apologized for doing this so late, restrained myself from saying "How are we going to run into each other if you live in Santa Cruz?", agreed that she'd probably be nice to know.

I did not comment on her explanation of polyandry, or the line about her being dumped at all. What the hell would I say?

On her saying that she loved him as a friend...she doesn't know what I feel...I said honestly, I don't know either. "This is well, all rather confusing to me."

On me not wanting to see anyone else...I said there isn't anyone else I want to see at the moment, I've dated two at a time before, which didn't go well and made me reluctant to want to do it again (I did not elaborate on this), well, maybe if someone comes along...also said I've done it the other way (one guy/two girls) and that went better. I didn't say that it didn't go on for very long or elaborate there either.

Basically agreed with her on things, gave her bio info like she wanted, told her she should get on the Internet and not just hotmail (I think everyone should be forced to have Internet access unless they're over 70 and have gone stupid. JMO), on her line about liking e-mail 'cause you can edit and delete, I agreed and said I'm guessing that you've been uh, doing that lately.

So, I went off to self-defense, worked hard blocking punches and doing strange steps for two hours, then rushed home (had to walk) ASAP to find out what was going on...I had FOUR messages.

1. Sarah- call me when you guys are ready to leave.
2. Sarah- call me when you guys are ready to leave at Mike's house, I went there.
3. Remington- hey, you wanna go out for dessert with us? Call me back in 10 minutes. (this is when mentally I thought "Oh shit." And I had no idea when he'd called either.)
4. Remington- we're going to Lyon's, be out an hour/hour and a half, do the alcohol buying after. Again, I don't know when he called and what I'm supposed to do (call him? him call me? huh?).
So now I'm all in a cranky tizzy wondering what the fuck is going to go on. Sarah seemed unfazed (hey, whenever), but I feel all flustered. Oh well, at least I got to shower and finish this entry up for the night.

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