Love and Fear

The party:

Wild, definitely. Way more people showed up than last time, which somehow didn't make Mike happy, even though there were other girls there besides Sarah and I. Remington made himself useful by going out and getting a shitload of more booze and supplies and the like to bring over, and this seemed to go over well, especially after he was made bartender. He went on to various computers in the house looking up drinks on Webtender, I hung around him. At first we were pretty damn well behaved for us, but man, Mike and Sarah were very annoying, "hey, go use Evan's room!" "No, go use Mike's room!" "Ew, not on my chair!", shit like that. I know they were all jealous, and it's quite understandable (been there), but still, they were being obnoxious. I think Remington agreed with me, but I forget what he said about it.

He wound up playing chess a lot (ugh, chess dorks...and no, I do not play chess.), first with Mike, who was being obnoxious as usual, maybe even worse. Remington just thought it was alcohol/party host stress, I said, well, no, he's always like that...Mike was calling him "buttmunch." Gag me. What an ass. And Remington at one point asked me "Why does he keep going on about chickens?" I said "We've been trying to figure that out for a year and a half." I sat around Remington most of the time, still didn't get up to much, running around and playing with the guys' music setup upstairs, making Remington drinks when he wanted 'em, and watching people make Charles (some friend of Mike's, formerly innocent) take shots. Brian (from the last party) said he'd take 5 shots for every one Charles did...and this lead to trouble later on.

Some time around the middle beginning of the party, Evan, Remington, and I were all upstairs, and I was messing with the music setup, the guys were talking about Linux (it's some sort of operating system like Windows) -there is going to be some sort of club for it that Remington wants to join, and he asked me to go to a meeting with him, even though he knows I don't know diddly about it. He invited Mike and Evan to go to it, I dunno what'll happen there if they'll go or not. Anyway, somehow Remington started dancing with me goofily (fortunately Evan's back was turned), and it started to get into a bump-and-grind bit...Sarah came upstairs and flipped out, ran away screaming "Ewwww!" and the like. Sheesh. A little later on we got to dance up there alone...yes, he is a goofy dancer (blamed it on alcohol)...but it got pretty fun when we got back to bumpin-and-grindin...but then, alas, someone came upstairs. I told him we'd have to do this again sometime.

Later on, the group thinned out some to the original partygoers, and we decided to play Drunken Monopoly. Remington and I played as a team, which worked out well, as a. we have the same method of play, buy up everything, and b. I got to sit on his lap a lot =). This nauseated many people again, as we got into kissing/hickying. And yes, at one point we somehow ended up on the floor making out..."Don't do that on my floor!"

By this point, certain people were pretty damn drunk. Brian barfed at the table, Sarah spilled drinks all over herself three times, she made drunken comeons to everyone but Remington (sample blather: "I love you Jen, I hate you, your breasts are bigger than mine, I'd never come on to Remington, he's taken.") And he agreed with that at one point, wow...hmmm.

She wound up taking her clothes off (not underwear though) at one point...and wound up doing a lot of other bizarre things she doesn't remember. At one point she wound up hugging the toilet, and Remington went in to get her ("I'm a minister, this is the kind of thing I do."), how sweet, I thought. Mike attempted to confiscate Sarah's booze, and at one point she tried hiding in the bathroom..and somehow Mike wound up punching a hole in the wall.

I enjoyed the party, but nobody else would probably agree with me...Remington said it had its ups and downs, Sarah doesn't remember it, Mike says "no more parties." Evan drove the drunkards home, including me and Remington to his apartment. Actually Evan and Remington seemed to get along all right, managed to have a conversation (of sorts) "So, what are you researching?" "The effects of alcohol on Jennifer." (He did say later on that he liked how I didn't get stinking drunk just because everyone else was.)

Zoe had called him...her voice on the machine...little-girl-ish, not what I would have expected.

We went on IRC there, and somehow Remington got the idea that it would be great to fix Sarah up with a guy on the channel, who I'd met, and well, nuh-uh, wouldn't work. I discouraged this one as best I could.

After that is when things became momentous...we were having our semi-usual discussion about the possibility of my getting too attached and psycho and how he's afraid of becoming too attached too (I think we're at a standstill on that point. Neither of us knows what the hell to do to avoid that kind of problem and still be able to be with each other), and I started telling him about what I used to be like when I was quite obsessed over certain guys...the weird thing is, he found the shenanigans I used to get into when I liked a guy (following him around, going through school records for his address, crap like that) to be a turn-on. What the hell? I thought...so to make a long explanation short, he said "Can I tell you something if you promise not to...?" I forget all that he said, because he asked this several times, saying that stuff- if you promise to not get all attached, and other things I just can't recall. Well, the attached bit came toward the end. At first I had no frigging clue what he was talking about, saying that I couldn't promise anything because I didn't know what he was going to say...but when he got to the attached bit I started suspecting, but only got more and more scared/nervous wondering...kept saying "I can't promise, I don't know..."

"I love you."
I kissed him.
"I think I love you too. And it scares me."

And thus my wall o'denial came tumbling down.

"It feels so good to finally say it." He said that, but I agreed wholeheartedly.
"I've never had anyone love me before."

We didn't get out of bed until almost six o'clock Saturday night...lounged around, went on IRC in the afternoon, where everyone was taking personality tests. He came out on the Keirsey test as INTP, I was borderline on the i/e barrier, NFP. I own Please Understand Me, and that reminded me of reading in the book about what types attracted to each other. They said (originally...later on in the book it claimed that NF's get along best with SJ's or something like that, even more off to me) that NF's and NT's attracted, which I wasn't real pleased with when I read the thing...seeing as the account of NT's in the book sounded as if they were really cold and unfeeling. I was all, "Oh, great, like I wanna be attracted to that?" Much less in love with that... well, hahahahah. However, Remington doesn't act like that really...so I hunted around the site for confirmation of what I remembered...but didn't find it. Remington took a test on how romantic he was...well, not very. Then again, I woulda scored only slightly higher myself. The only part I was really bothered by was that he marked that he didn't say "I love you" very much...well, shoot, I thought, here I am who never got to say it, and now he isn't likely to see it. Ugh. I received another marriage proposal on IRC (after telling the shrink story again), again, I declined...but someone said along the line that if I got married frumple might not be too happy about it, and he said "Nah. I'd live. Just so long as she doesn't stop seeing me just because she got married." Hmm.

He also got some e-mail from Zoe...mentioning Valentine's Day plans of some sort on the 15th, and apparently he is having some sort of party on the 19th? Not that I knew about this...and that she was going out to his house sometime, I forget when. And I started feeling all uncomfortable again about this. Geez. He was planning to go up Saturday night.

We finally got out of bed to go to dinner with Bill, Melissa, and Yamara, at this yummy Italian place...where we got up to our usual shenanigans of canoodling...which I enjoyed, but it seemed strange if I thought that he was going to go off and do that with someone else in a few hours...

It took a while for me to finally get out of the car after we got to my dorm...general romantic behavior...which is when I got the idea to say "I love you" again...and he said "I love you too." Wow.

Then I went back home and checked messages/e-mail...had to call Sarah and tell her what she'd done at the party the night before. Got another e-mail from Zoe as well...which I still haven't written back yet, been um, busy.

Stuff I'll pass on from it: A line that she said about attachment being what puts her in danger and not monogamy...and well, she's attached. I gotta agree with this one.

And "Just like me, you seem to notice the dangers and dive in anyway."

In response to my question on emotions and guy-juggling, she said she tends to focus on one or the other at a time, but things can get weird.

He was talking about if he were to have a party in Rumsey and invite us both (good god, this again? I thought)..she said he'd have to be clear on who was spending the night with him, and he said "neither sounded safest." She suggested that us girls bring our own dates. The part about him not juggling women well...he'd said that he didn't want to bring a date to the New Year's party, and then he turned around and invited me because I had no plans, and she got hurt and jealous because she wanted to go. Ouch. I feel so bad about that now...I'd figured before that he'd be doing something with her that night, and was surprised to find out that she wasn't, so I'd assumed she'd been busy. Ah, guilt that my lovely evening was at the hurt of someone else.

Also in e-mail, I was invited by a girl off ucd.life (Christina) to a "Girls Movie Night" for the 19th. I'd like to go...especially if he's holding a party then. And the 20th is "Portfolio Day" for the design department, so I'd better stay in town anyway. Gives me an excuse also to not go, is what I'm thinking.

Later that night, I got an e-mail from Remington...saying that it was too rainy to go out there tonight, he'd go tomorrow and would be on IRC. So I went on right after he did...and found out that someone named Sandra had been on last night looking for him...you can guess what I did (it's Zoe), and he confirmed it.

A bit after that, she came on again. As you can imagine, this was um, interesting...Remington basically hid in the corner, I think...he didn't say much on IRC. I assume that he was messaging her instead of me, since he messaged me something and then messaged that he'd gotten used to typing my nickname in all the time. (Sigh) Meanwhile, well...we got along very well (Remington's words afterwards: "like a house on fire."). Surprising, I guess. Even though I felt/feel like "Hey, she invaded our private spot! Now we can't talk romantically to each other!" The other IRC'ers thought we knew each other..."we know _of_ each other" is I think what she said. It was um, interesting...we were asked for an explanation of things, but nobody wanted to explain 'em. In general she seemed to like the spot, liked talking to the both of us, she said.

She finally got off around late 1ish...saying that she wanted to be able to stay awake late tomorrow night...oh, joy. Said goodnight to the both of us specifically.

After she'd gone Remington and I started chatting and eventually messaged again... he was going through some sort of IRC purity test by that point and laughed when he hit the question "Have you ever called your netsex lover by the wrong nick? :)"

everyone was taking a longetivity test of some sort on the Web, he found that he'd live to be 77...while he didn't believe that, I put down that I guess the engagement was off... he said "hey, if I make a date, i keep it." One girl asked if we were engaged, he answered it "technically." (like that answer!), mine was "um, when I'm 80 we agreed to get married. so sorta." I went on about my reasons for the 60-year engagement thing. I said thanks to him, "hate to be marrying a dead guy", and he said "If I were, I'd come back, just for you. :)" Awwwwwwwwww...

When we got back to messaging, I said "I'll bet you had an interesting time of things..." and he said that he mostly just tried to keep his mouth shut and see what happened. He was a little surprised that we got along so well. He thought we might gang up on him..somehow he thought this would be a good thing..."as a team, you could do a better job of keeping me in line, undoubtedly." I didn't agree with that. I mentioned her being annoyed about the party bit, and he admitted that he "flubbed that one but good." I said that I suspected major holidays are going to be trouble (at least the dateish ones are- no way in hell I'll ever invite him or anyone to a family gathering of mine), he said perhaps, and that Zoe's other boyfriend solves the problem by letting his lovers sort it out for themselves- he hands them his datebook (which Remington thought was going a bit far). I said that I wouldn't be around for most of them...I'd rather just pull myself out of the running for 'em than have fighting go on about things...and it's only two holidays that I'd be bugged about missing him on really. He said "I know she really has her eye on Vday next weekend, actually.", and I said I was going to be gone then. He asked me out for dinner Monday night after Vday, and I said no, I'd be returning to Davis and I had a midterm the next day. Tuesday then.

I told him I liked his sayin he'd come back for me if he were dead, and he said (it's a joke about religion and cults and stuff like that...long story) he has to prove that he's the messiah somehow, and it's the standard miracle. :) I thought it would be interesting marrying the messiah...would that make me mrs. god? and he said that "in my primary faith, you qualify as a goddess in your own right." Awwwwww...

And from then on, we got into things that probably would have shown up on the IRC purity test... went to bed at three, alone but turned on.

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jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

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