Stalker

is it true
there is love that
is decided upon
and love that spreads like a stain
of ink in absorbent cloth
there is love
that makes sense of your life
and love that makes you senseless
about life.
-Diane Wakowski

I Dream

I dream I am living
I dream I have got to know you
(quite suddenly, quite unexpectedly, as if that were possible)
I dream that we love each other

I dream that we still love each other
I dream you meet another man
I dream you love him but tell him
you still want to love me too
I dream he says he understands
and we can go on loving each other
(as if that were possible)
-Erich Fried (first part of the poem)

I love you and miss you, even two hours away,
With all my heart. This is to let you know. -Noel Coward

I must balance the unhappiness I suffer because of you against the happiness you are to me. -Erich Fried

Well, I wanted a distraction today so I wouldn't think about Remington and Zoe, but this is NOT what I had in mind. I'm not going to go through all the posts on ucd.life and copy them, I'll just link here and let you read through 'em yourself if you want to.

One obnoxious ass called me fat, then looked at my web page and decided that I was REALLY fat (this is not true) and went around insulting me. What did I do to him? Nothing. What a colossal ass. I won't get into all the details because it makes me feel sick.

But this, however, makes me feel REALLY sick. Demma told me to look at my message board (off my homepage) and I found the following sick shit, which I will not link to as it will be deleted as soon as I get some advice as to waht to do with the evidence.

Anonymous
No Subject
Sun Feb 7 18:07:55 1999
hi there, just surfin the net in a drunken stupor and saw this. ya know if ya'll want sumthin on here, ya should put a naked picture of ya on the front. and welll all make commments about it than on yo board....I would anyway.....ummm...say...can i lick you?? hmmmm....salty...mind if I ah....um...well, huh, continue cuz i'm jizzin all over dis fuckin keyboard thinkin bout it and i'd personally just like to come fuck you, but your probaably half way across the us from me or maybe farther....i live in Sacramento ca. how bout you? Whats your name, umm, oh yeah, jen rutherford, sorry I can't type in any caps, takes too much effort, I got a hand cut off in a robbery one time, the getaway driver was drunker dan I was...and i'm rambelen now and i got go puke;bbye sexy

So I wrote this in reply, figuring this was just some drunk obnoxious ass that would go away.

Jennifer
horny people who have serious problems
Sun Feb 7 18:22:00 1999
hi there, just surfin the net in a drunken stupor and saw this. ya know if ya'll want sumthin on here, ya should put a naked picture of ya on the front. and welll all make commments about it than on yo board....
Oh, I'll bet.
I would anyway.....ummm...say...can i lick you??
No. You're not here, so I'd say that's anatomically impossible.
hmmmm....salty...mind if I ah....um...well, huh, continue cuz i'm jizzin all over dis fuckin keyboard thinkin bout it
Um, thanks for sharing. Better go buy a new keyboard then.
and i'd personally just like to come fuck you, but your probaably half way across the us from me or maybe farther....i live in Sacramento ca. how bout you?
Japan.
I'm already uh, satisfied, thanks anyway.
Whats your name, umm, oh yeah, jen rutherford, sorry I can't type in any caps, takes too much effort, I got a hand cut off in a robbery one time, the getaway driver was drunker dan I was...and i'm rambelen now and i got go puke;bbye sexy
I'm not even gonna ask how you can manage to mess up a keyboard and drink and type all with one hand.

However: I checked back a few minutes after posting it and found THIS.

Anonymous
Re: horny people who have serious problems
Sun Feb 7 18:33:44 1999
hey, I saww u go to ucdaveis
my aunt wurks ther, I can meet yaafta class, she can get me da class schedule, and I got yo pic so I'll know if I got the right person
lateeer sexy, yeha yo cute cuzzz ya xcite mee

(A quirk of my board is that it doesn't copy things from other messages, and you have to retype in the subject line...he could manage to put that in without sounding idiotic...hmm.)

And I got scared. Oh, joy, he's gonna track me down and fuck me, how friggin wonderful. And he's a LOCAL psycho, he claims? Naturally I flipped out. E-mailed the people that run Spotfans for help in tracking his ass down, e-mailed the server of the board, e-mailed Remington although I know he's not gonna check it, whatever I could think of. I think it's against the law to get my class schedule, but you never know...I woulda liked to have asked Remington about it, but he wasn't here. Actually after reading the bit about his aunt, I wondered if it was Remington for like half a ludicrous second, but he'd never be that godawful. I was advised by Victor to not respond to the bastard, and so far I haven't. Ri and Harry and Demma put up posts as well about this:

HarryZ
Losers come in all shapes and colors...
Sun Feb 7 19:31:38 1999
...I guess, and this particular moron is no exception. Anybody who is as stupid as this guys says he is, is too stupid to leave his house as well (or wipe his ass, while we're at it).
Learn to communicate in less trailer trash lingo, and we'll talk, loser.
Harry
Ri
And I suppose...
Sun Feb 7 18:57:54 1999
You are stupid enough to think we don't know who you are...
Demma
oh, my!!!!
Sun Feb 7 20:04:42 1999
yeah!!!! we got something going on now.......sorry, i just had to say something......

Demma seems to think this is FUN???? What the hell?

And you guessed it... he returned. Whoopee.

Anonymous
Re: And I suppose...
Sun Feb 7 22:13:41 1999
So you seem to think you know who I am. Well then, whats my name, where do I work, how old am I?? Get any of these right and I'll be impressed, but you still don't know who I am because I have no clue who you are.
By the way, whoever wrote "oh my" isn't exactly the smartest person on the face of this fucked up earth either, so take a look at who you associate with before you talk to me about my "trailor trash lingo."
I'm sorry I offended you Jen, I was a pretty drunk and depressed when I wrote the last one. I'd like to meet you after class when I got the chance to apologize, maybe Monday or Tuesday if I can.
Talk to ya later, I'm sure you'll hear from me again

Notice that he suddenly improved the "lingo." I know Ri didn't know who he was when she wrote that, but I liked that she did... Okay, now I would have accepted the apology/drunk and depressed bit, if he hadn't added in that he wants an in-person apology...fuck, no. Oh joy, and he wants to come back again. Fuck you.

Oh yeah, and he put up some other post on the board, saying this.

Anonymous
No Subject
Sun Feb 7 22:23:36 1999
To do is to be... -Descartes
To be is to do... -Voltaire>
Do be do be do... -Frank Sinatra
interesting shit man...

Oh my God. My suspicion as to who this was was the asshole who called me fat on newsgroup, mostly due to circumstansial evidence and timing- he was on newsgroup when the board bastard posted, both looked at my page, both showed up that morning, and from what I've heard about the newsgroup asshole, he thinks it's cool to pretend to be a toughass gangsta or something like that.

When I went over to Mike and Evan's with Sarah for dinner/study session (for her- I didn't do much studying, kept checking the board for disasters), the guys were no friggin help at all. "Well, it had to happen sometime." is about all Evan said, and Mike was even worse. Besides the stuff that had a point- not likely to be assaulted in public, he could be lying about where he lives, is getting off on frightening me- "There's nothing you can do about it, if you're raped you'll have evidence." That bastard. I seriously wanted to kill him. I started doing a little drinking (more wine coolers) that night, and was just totally fucking scared and steamed. Planning escape routes from my classrooms (since there's only one way out from both, I'm fucked if he does come after me), planning to call my self-defense teacher tomorrow between classes, and thinking, "Wouldn't you know it that Remington would be with her when this would happen and I need him?" He'd know some stuff about this, at least whether or not it would be possible to get my schedule. It really is pissing me off that he's not around. Well, chances are since he's not around much on weekends that he wouldn't be anyway...but why does this piss me off more than if he wereunavailable because he was at say, Oliver's, or at some grad student conference thingie and unavailable?

I figured out that it's because she's getting the attention that I need tonight...especially in this flipped-out mood I'm in.

I'm having my doubts over this polyamory thing.

TOGA, in the end, was my salvation. She traced the bastard and found out that he comes from, well, I won't mention the school, I will say that it is in Illinois. Phew. Thank God. Well, he'd BETTER be from Illinois...and still there...if anyone comes up to me tomorrow I swear I'll fucking kill him.

However, Demma does chat with some guys from Bradley, and I think she's passed on my web page to 'em. I e-mailed her asking if she knows anything- I'm sure she won't, but I want to notify her if the crazy is a friend of hers. I figure that someone else could have passed it along to the crazy somehow...not necessarily that it's a friend of hers, I hope not!

I'm now worried about this page...maybe I should take it underground...if a psycho shows up here, he'll be able to find out a helluva lot more than I live in Davis.

Anyway, suffice it to say that I am not happy tonight. And not just because of my love life.

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