Forward this site to your all your 'friends', and with each hit, I will donate NOTHING to charity. I might do something nice, like giving milk to a poor lactose intolerant kid or put laxatives in the water supply, as a free medical service for those constipated, and not-so-constipated people in our society.
I've seen how everyone else's homepages are better than mine, and I'm
buggered if I can be bothered trying to make it as good as their's
Hello,
you have reached my home page,the NEW AND IMPROVED piece of crap.
If
you were expecting porn when you came here, I sympathise with you.
Just
a small introduction: I am the 22 year old version of my hero, George
Costanza, only less chubbier, and he's had more girlfriends than I ever will.
And yes people, I have no life, but it seems neither do you since you've bothered to read up to this.
Thought For The Day:
6/1/04: It was deduced "Ignorance is Bliss" because the alternative - know-it-all-ism - means those ignorami will keep asking you stupid questions.
10/1/04: They say masturbation causes blindness - thats why I'm proud to wear glasses.
20/1/04: The whole world thinks I'm a narcissist.
4/2/04: If you're about to do the wild monkey dance, don't put saxophone music in the background. It only seems like a good idea when movie-stars do it. In real life, the girl will be actually thinking about Kenny G, a turn-on for her, a turn-off for you.
9/2/04: Sorry people if I haven't been able to put enough words together for your 21st birthday speech. But rest assured, I WILL be ready when it comes time for your eulogy.
19/2/04: Science joke: "Is that a pipette in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
20/2/04: Notice how if some dude tries to hand you a flyer or leaflet in the street, you just wanna spit in there face, but if a hot babe handed you a flyer in the street, you thank them profusely...
4/3/04: The UCS. The only society where prospective members haggle the joining fee.
12/3/04: If ever you see a Body Shop next to a funeral parlour, start getting a little suspicious.
20/3/04: A pretty girl picking her nose is still better to watch than an ugly girl powdering her nose.
25/3/04: Once I put up one of those personals ads on the internet, and with the first and only response to my ad, I swore at her for knowing my email address. I forgot I had the ad up you see...
26/3/04: The absent welcome, the empty bed and sofa,the unused flea medicine,the leftover dog biscuits,the blood-stained towel and the urn.
6/4/04: Soup should have detergent in it, so after you've finished it, you don't have to clean the bowl.
7/4/04: The only thing more offensive than being called Porky is being called Sporky (y'know..that spoon that's also a fork...pfft never mind...this one is too intellectual for my target audience.
23/4/04: I like feeding orphans....to the homeless.
25/4/04: I like stuffing so much I reckon all food should be cooked whilst stuffed inside a chicken.
5/5/04: Dude, if you're gonna attend your girlfriend's graduation ceremony, don't go dressed like a pimp.
10/5/04: Prawns, the cockroach of the sea.
11/5/04: Bugger's Theory on how ducks evolved:
A caveman kinda guy got 100 chickens and threw them into a lake. The ones that didn't drown, he recaptured. Then he threw them off a cliff. The ones that didn't meet their demise in a splattered mess flew away, where they went to breed in a different country. They developed an accent so heavy that their cluck eventually sounded like a quack. And the flat beaks? Coincidentally, those surviving "chickens" were the ugliest ones too.
13/5/04: In the final twist of "There's Something about Miriam", it turns out she's a chick after all, and the male genitalia were just props attached with velcro.
14/6/04: I guess the saying "free as a bird" doesn't really apply to battery chickens.
23/6/04: I have so much facial hair that one charge of my electric shaver has lasted me 3 months and still counting....
1/7/04: I was at the supermarket on a late-nite shopping spree. At the counter queue in front of me was a greyig haired father and his 6-7 yr old kid. He was buying condoms and something else (I wasn't paying that much attention) Now why would he bring the kid with him for something like that? It's not like the kid was there to help carry the groceries. Maybe the kid was a constant reminder for the importance of contraception.
4/7/04: "Wooooh" sounds romantic in songs but if you use it in casual speech, girls just laugh in your face.
10/7/04: Bugger's Lesson in Medical Science
Testosterone causes facial hair to grow. When testosterone levels are high, people (both male and female) get horny. Therefore, girls with facial hair tend to be more horny. What guy would say no to that??
13/7/04: When you're walking to work, to school, or whatever (like I care), close your eyes, and see how many steps you can take before overwhelming anxiety (or a bus) hits you and you gotta open your eyes again. My record is 20, before the fear of walking into the path of an oncoming Volvo, or into a tree, or into the path of one of the neighbour's man-eating cats, makes me open my eyes again. Maybe I'm just not adventurous enough.
17/7/04: I imagine the prospect of a girl finding out I'm younger than I look is as stomach-turning for her as it is for me finding out she's actually a dude.
10/8/04: Kissing evolved from the primitive form of regurgitative feeding.
11/8/04: Bugger's First Law of Feminology:
If a girl offers food to you, that means she's interested in you, the only exception being if she's only offering because she can't finish all of the food.
16/8/04: FREE....my favourite word in the dictionary.
19/8/04: Desire is the cause of all suffering, and I am every girl's desire, therefore, I am the cause of all suffering - for girls at least.
21/8/04: Olympic badminton - glorified fly-swatting.
31/8/04: Check out that album cover - MC Hammer was a NERD! That's where Urkel got his inspiration from.
7/9/04: It's pretty presumptuous for us to think that Miss Universe is a human. And talk about a rigged jury - all the judges were humans! Where were the Klingons, Jedis, Oompa Loompas and Wookies??
15/9/04: Most people say it with flowers, I prefer to say it with nudity.
22/9/04: I want a relationship with a girl that's just like a phone plan - $0 upfront, no lock-in contracts or commitments, free credits, no connection fee and best of all, prepaid.
8/10/04: I'm so passively aggressive, people don't even know I'm doing it.
10/10/04: I don't rate my haircuts by "how good does it look?" but rather "how much damage has been done?" or "how ridiculous does it look??".
11/10/04: Guys love women's breasts because they're named after a delectable cut of chicken. If they had been known as udders from the outset, men would find them much less attractive....
16/10/04: I can take my belt off with my feet.
5/11/04: Making eye contact with a hot chick for the first time just when you have a big chunk of chicken in your mouth that you can't immediately bite off......priceless
10/11/04: Please don't think of this as sounding a little depraved but....a good high school prank would've been to dress up in girls' school uniform, wear a wig, and hang out at a girls' school during recess and lunch, and see how long you can go on without getting noticed. I thought of this while I was considering dressing up in my old school uniform just to visit the ol' canteen for a bargain lunch.
17/11/04: I've only seen Sex and the City only once. There was no sex by the first commercial break. I never watched it again.
1/12/04: Hi Ho, Hi Ho! Wait... I'm not calling you a ho!
2/12/04: Hey ladies, I'm looking to make a quick buck and I know just how to do it! That's right, I'm gonna betray the whole male gender! Male Treason if you will. Any secret men's business you wanna know about, I shall sell you the answers for a bargain price! Why are guys always so perverted? Which part of you would a guy want surgically enhanced? And how you can turn them into your own personal eunuch, metaphorically speaking. Hurry and take advantage of this offer that's too good to refuse!
12/12/04: Don't close your mouth before you take your toothbrush out. It really hurts your teeth.
15/12/04: Bugger's Lesson #3226:
If you ever get the opportunity to have lunch with a girl you like and spend some quality time with her, don't go finding an excuse to leave. I know you have that Macca's coupon that you really want to use but find it too embarrassing to use it in front of a chick. I know even if you shout her lunch, you won't be able to live down the shame of using a coupon. I know if you did buy her lunch, that would be cutting down on your profit margins. I know you'd rather go driving off to go use that coupon in a whole different suburb. I don't care how much that coupon is gonna save you. Dammit, it doesn't even matter if the coupon is expiring that very exact day! You just don't run off like that! Spending quality time is crucial, but more importantly, you WILL be able to use that coupon...eventually. It's only lunchtime, you can use it for dinner. Skip your mother's cooked dinner and gorge yourself on cheap Macca's food!
16/12/04: Currently my favourite two words are "Intestinal fortitude". Let's see you act that out in a game of charades.
19/12/04: It's best not to look cross-eyed on your firearms license. They might not think your aim's too good.
24/12/04: Dear Santa, this Christmas, please put a girl in the fishnet stockings I hung on the mantelpiece.
25/12/04: Today, a chicken crossing the road was the victim of a hit-and-run accident. Witness say it was trampled by nine reindeer and a sleigh. No one saw the license plate so the culprit remains unidentified. The chicken was in a serious but stable condition. Police say it's lucky it's not a turkey or there would be no chance it'd survive past dinnertime.
28/12/04: In theory, reality never goes as well as theory.
31/12/04: Idiot Kid: A family is walking towards somewhere, and the kidstops walking and starts spinning around on the spot. He keeps chanting "Help me Mum I'm dizzy, help me Mum I'm dizzy."
31/12/04: Some couples share such similar fashion sense you'd think they were brother and sister.
31/12/04: The hot, tropical new year is often a reminder that the season of jingling is over, replaced by the season of jiggling.
12/1/05: Yesterday in my fortune cookie I got the message "This insert has a protective coating!" Woohoo! That's a prediction that I'm gonna get laid! Email me if you don't get this joke.
24/1/05: Ahhhh Women's Tennis...A whole summer of gazing at women's nipples.
9/2/05: I went to the supermarket the other day and I saw this really hot check-out chick. So I went and got a couple of boxes of extra jumbo sized condoms and paid for them at her counter. I'm never gonna be able to use them but she doesn't know that. Just as long as she knows what size I would use....
20/2/05: I could probably get degrees in Medicine, Dentistry and Quantum Physics if I tried (Oh shut up, I'm not a nerd), but I wouldn't have a chance in heck of correctly answering the question "Do you think I'm fat?". In fact, if that was the last question on "Who wants to be a Millionaire?", I could phone-a-friend, ask the audience, use 50-50, CHEAT, and still get it wrong.
22/2/05: If you keep a red light on in the room of your house facing the street, your neighbours will think you're running a brothel.
3/3/05: A de-pants'd mannequin is always funny, especially with no genitalia.
5/3/05: I used a fruity shampoo one night and by the next morning, ants ate through my scalp.
6/3/05: I only appear decent and innocent because I do the opposite of what my instinct tells me to do.
7/3/05: Pretty girls don't grow on trees, and even if they did, a shortass like me wouldn't be able to reach.
14/3/05: The only thing more lovely than a baby's smile is the smile on a girl's face upon seeing a baby.
15/3/05: If I don't make it into the Reader's Digest with one of these quotes I'm bloody suing them.
16/3/05: Anal Gravity: Why the force on your bowel feels like how much you would weigh if you were in Jupiter.
30/3/05: I'm so desperate these days I reckon every cloud I see looks like a breast and/or nipple.
2/4/05: Next time there's a John Edwards show in town, I'm gonna kill someone just before I go, to see if it really works.
4/4/05: Michael Jackson probably blew his chances of becoming the next pope.
10/4/05: Michael Jackson didn't marry Camilla because even he thought she was too much of a freak.
13/4/05: Britney Spears got pregnant to make another playmate for Michael Jackson.
3/5/05: I don't care if you're ugly, if you're wearing long socks or high boots, I think you're hot.
4/5/05: Those waiters at those expensive restaurants don't really have names like "Santo" and "Miguel". They just gave them those names so they could jack up the prices. Their real names are "Barry" and "Larry".
9/5/05: A couple weeks ago I saw on TV some Taiwanese were protesting something. Typical run-of-the-mill protest I thought. WRONG. The first scene was some dude wielding a toy Star Wars light saber...silly....perhaps. Then there were people throwing rocks and had slingshots....sure, old school. Then someone was holding a glass bottle...ok now it was getting serious. Then finally, to top it off....some dude in the background was holding one of those broadswords with the rings going thru it....now that's just nutty!
3/7/05: Live8 was a failure because it was missing William Hung and the Numa Numa guy.
14/7/05: When going to the Easter Show or various carnivals, I like to bring with me my own fluffy toy, just to pretend I can win at those prize games and that I'm good at something. Carrying around a big fluffy toy is a bit effeminate, but that's another matter.
20/7/05: If vegetarians eat vegetables, do humanitarians eat humans?
24/7/05: For once I'd like to see a Guiness Record be broken by someone who is not a freak.
5/8/05: My dick's so big, you can see it with Google Earth.
15/8/05: Taken from the letters section of today's Sydney Morning Herald:
The idea of watching people running lap after lap in a foot race where nothing ever happens until the final 800 metres is so boring. Why not use the track for other activities while the long-distance runners run on their own individual treadmill out of sight of the spectators. They can then be released into the main stadium when they each reach the bell lap.
Randolph Magri-Overend Point Clare
I love it!
.
16/8/05: Whistles were made small in the hope that annoying little kids who blew them would also swallow and choke on them.
29/8/05: There's two parts to an oyster. The fleshy part that tastes like pippi meat, and the grainy/mushy part which tastes like birdshit.
5/9/05: Everyone needs a tightarse for a friend, to keep you from wasting your money on things like Emu farms. In my social groups, I'm that designated tightarse.
5/9/05: That's me:
1/10/05: "No woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just BOGUS!" - Peter Griffin, Family Guy DVD, Stewie Griffin, the Untold Story
9/10/05: Tonight on "Australia's Brainiest Kids", this Chinese kid could answer any question about nowhere important, but when he couldn't answer "From which Asian country was the Ming Dynasty from?", I could hear the whole Chinese population in Australia laughing at him. But in the end, he was the winner of the show. Which really makes you wonder. The dumbest Chinese kid could outsmart the brightest of 'Aussie' kids. Either that, or the Australian education system is shockingly inadequate when it comes to educating about Chinese history. Another funny moment from the show was via another kid "What is the name given to the angle larger than 180 degrees but smaller than 360 degrees?" Answer: "Obscure". LOL
21/10/05: Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond is the only TV mum I'd do.
13/11/05: 
Me as the social butterfly.
14/10/05: 
Five letters: F.O.B.B.Y
19/10/05: I make overbites look sexy.
20/10/05: Google Earth should release its own version of "Where's Wally"..
21/10/05: If I see another tourist in Circular Quay posing for a photo holding up a V-sign I will personally push them into the harbour.
22/12/05: It just isn't Christmas if shops aren't crammed with customers fighting and biting each other over the last item. This year, Christmas never came.
24/1/06: If religious groups oppose gay marriage because it's unnatural, how can they worship someone who was born to a virgin?!
.
2/2/06: You can take the girl out of church, but you can't take the church out of a girl. (Sorry I've been so religious lately, I've found myself reluctantly attracted to church chicks recently...)
.
21/2/06: I should take a leaf from Seinfeld's book and not find flaws in girls until AFTER I start dating them. I've been single for far too long...
.
5/3/06: How can you test if a song is overtly sexual? Try getting a girl aged 5-10 years to sing it. If it makes you cringe, the song is probably
too skanky.
6/3/06: How can one hold much optimism for life when we're in the foetal position for 9 months and we're not even born yet..... And the first thing we do when we're born is *CRY*. And if we don't, we get a slap on the bot-bot for our troubles. We're exposed to voilence the minute we're born. I don't think we should use up all those 9 months lying foetal in one go. We should save it and spread it for throughout our lifetime. Maybe we needed the practice.
6/3/06: How can one hold much optimism for life when we're in the foetal position for 9 months and we're not even born yet..... And the first thing we do when we're born is *CRY*. And if we don't, we get a slap on the bot-bot for our troubles. We're exposed to voilence the minute we're born. I don't think we should use up all those 9 months lying foetal in one go. We should save it and spread it for throughout our lifetime. Maybe we needed the practice.
25/3/06: "Being defensive is meant to cause less offense, and if people get offended by you being defensive, it's their own fault for being so snarky and it just vindicates your decision to be defensive".
29/3/06: It's embarrassing to buy a dumbell set then realise you're too weak to carry it to the car....
17/4/06: It was inevitable I suppose. I actually got a paper cut from a safety manual.
19/4/06: I work at a place where people go to die...
21/5/06: The reason why I have such good intuition about people is 50% skill, 30% imagination 10% bullshit and 10% luck.
13/5/06: Public displays of affection are like smoking.....for the participants, it's fun and addictive....for the ones who aren't getting any....it's a visual stench.
10/7/06: So Zidane headbutted Materazzi in the chest. Big deal. I'm short enough to headbutt him in the groin.
14/7/06: In a test of willpower between the sleepy head and the bladder, the bladder wins every time, but only by playing dirty.
10/9/06: At what point does a young aspiring chef turn around and think "Hey, I don't really have to put all this effort into this. I could start making crap, frying it and covering it in food colouring, sell it as take-away and people will still chow it down".
15/9/06: The thing with a colonoscopy is, after going to all that trouble of having a tube stuck up your arse, there's always that little bit of disappointment when the doctor says he hasn't found any abnormalities.
23/9/06: If God didn't want us to pick our nose, then why are our nostrils just big enough for fingers to fit through, and why does it feel so good to dig a booger out??
18/11/06: Al Gore is a derr-brain. Global warming doesn't exist. It just seems that way because thermometer's are getting more sensitive because of advancements in technology. Think about it....
26/11/06: If misery loves company, then by reverse logic I should be the happiest guy on Earth...
9/12/06: The only offensive thing about women breastfeeding in public is that I'm not allowed to watch.
17/2/07: At being objective, I am unrivalled. I am known as the Oracle. When it's personal, it's harder and that's when my judgement start to suck. But when you see how accurate I am with my analysis of your personal problems, it just shows how little I really care....
18/10/07: A nerd with good hair is still a nerd...
1/1/08: When I'm watching the fireworks on the Harbour Bridge I'd like to think that every flare is caused by a bridgewalker spontaneously combusting....
7/1/08: I don't like to wash my hands after going to the toilet, but just so people don't know that, as I walk out I just shake my hands as if my hands were wet.
4/3/08: The duration of the Wright Brother's first flight was the same as the longest recorded flight by a chicken - 13 seconds. Really makes ya think, doesn't it??
10/5/08: I'd like to imagine that my life is being a character in The Sims game, being controlled by a player who has no fkn idea what he's doing....
2/6/08: Great Sounds #119: One Republic's "Apologise" being pumped out by a car driving away....creating the doppler effect like a police siren.
25/6/08: It's one thing to talk in third person. It's totally another to think in third person.
Thoughts
for the Day 1999 (click here)
Thoughts
for the Day 2000 (click here damn you!)
Thoughts
for the Day 2001 (press that thing under your index finger, no, not with that hand....)
Thoughts
for the Day 2002 (click here - don't make me come get you! )
Thoughts
for the Day 2003 (still got 'em)
The brand-spanking NEW Magic 8-Ball!!!!!
Awards I've won
My email address is
pssh_26@yahoo.com
but I'm not linking to it
for ya, you lazy bastard.
Oh
yeah, feel free to send me abusive messages in my guestbook below....If
you don't, that's ok too, because I'll sign it and give myself messages
about how much this page sucks and feel sorry for myself.
"RIMMER: It's my duty. My duty as a
complete and utter bastard!"-Red Dwarf
Sign Guestbook
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is
the number of times i've visited my own page in a pathetic attempt to get
more hits since 31st May 1999.
Copyright
1998-2005 (SEVEN years and still running!) By the Pssh Inc.
As you
can tell, this page was made for the sole purpose of meeting chicks....
and as you can see, I've failed yet again....7 years running!!
