If you fall into the latter category might consider heading down to Ted's Wrecking Yard, where a lousy 10 bucks will get you three bands. an art show, a DJ and Miss Tress Stefania. whose name suggests' a woman that uses household appliances in unconventional ways. If all this and cheap pints of pleasant Canadian lager aren't enough, Betty the mannequin will be torched, and I'm sure you'll agree that nothing says performance art like a melting mannequin.

"I hate going out on New Year's Eve," exclaims guitarist Mr. Bastard, whose band, the Texas Dirt Fuckers, headline this evening of fun and strangeness. "That's why I have to work."

Promising to play loud and hard, Mr. Bastard says that if you like the Cramps, Lime Spiders or the late Johnny Thunders, you'll probably like the Fuckers. since they 've been known to cover tunes by all of the above.

Contrary to the saying that the Englishman has all the qualities of a poker, except for its occasional warmth, Mr. Bastard is both funny and engaging as he nonchalantly runs through his illustrious musical resume. He was born in New York, but his parents soon packed up the family and moved to London, where he spent his formative years. His bigger credits include King Kurt (with whom he still plays and once appeared on Top of the Pops), Tenpole Tudor and Nick Lowe, though Bastard also fondly recalls his work with a band called Holy Shit. He also lived down the road from Robbie Coltrane around the time that Toronto's Dave Howard (who now plays vvith him in the instrumental combo Jack the Ripper, playing Ted's Jan. 2) was living on top of his flat.

Having worked with both Dave Edmunds, who produced a King Kurt album, and Nick Lowe (Bastard played guitar on Lowe's 1994 album The Impossible Bird), Bastard says they both had some interesting rock 'n' roll fables to tell, but not about their days in Rockpile. "they don't like talking about each other, even alter all these years," he says, lighting a cigarette. "They split on bad terms."

Since moving to Toronto four years ago. Mr. Bastard has consistently delivered "wild and crazy rock 'n' roll guitar" with a bunch of bands including the now-defunct Speed Kings where lie met Dirt Fucker drummer Billy' (Mr. Rogers), who has played with Johnny Thunders and the Ramones and Big Elvis Sideburns, the rockabilly-speed-bluegrass band he currently plays in alongside King Kurt's Maggot.

The Dirt Fuckers formed in the spring of 1997 after Mr. Bastard met singer Greg (Mr. Dick), who was a friend of a friend. Says Bastard, "He said he wanted to start a band called the Texas Dirt Fuckers, and I thought. 'I've got to be in a band with a name like that!'

When asked if he only joins bands with fantastic names. Bastard shoots out, 'Yes. Otherwise, what's the point'

This past August Ted's Wrecking Yard began broadcasting live shows via the lnternet If you're held up at home this New Year's Eve you can catch the Texas Dirt Fuckers via Ted's website {www.tedswreckingyard.com}, and enjoy what Bastard refers to as "hillbilly telly".

It's hillbilly because it's cheap, cheerful... do it. It's like a fanzine. There's nothing between the artist and the audience other than a camera, a computer and a telephone line. We have about 5000 viewers a month, and a lot of them come from Japan and Germany."

Not surprisingly Bastard likes the idea of releasing whole records on the Internet but says it's unlikely the Texas Dirt Fuckers will ever record anything we play live says That's much more what it is. If we made a record it would be second best. People dance to our stuff because we don't play that fast. We're smiley, dancing, drinking kind of music."