Top Twenty Simpsons Quotes!

Yes, we all know the Simpsons are funny with great jokes, but every once in a while the Simpsons jump up and over the line of great jokes to super-fabulous quotes that make you laugh out loud and remember them the rest of the year. Listed here are in my opinion, the best twenty Simpsons quotes of all shows.

#20

homer: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! MY CAR!!
-3F22 Summer of 4 Ft. 2

#19

(Homer's only love letter to Marge, a postcard from the Duff Brewery)
Maybe it's the beer talking Marge but you got a butt that won't quit. They got those big chewy pretzels here merJanthfgrr...... five dollars??!!!? get outta here...
-8F16 Bart the Lover

#18

Audience: Boo! Boo!
Burns: Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"
Burns: Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Hans: I was saying "Boo-urns."
-2F31 A Star is Burns

#17

Bart: (In barts head, like the Wonder Years) Me? Get a job? Were they serious? I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.
Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
Bart: Uh, nothing. (in his head again) He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we...
Homer: Bart! Stop it!
Bart: Sorry.
("Turn, Turn, Turn" By The Byrds starts)
-7F21 Three Men and a Comic Book

#16

Homer: And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog.
Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate.
Homer: Hey, wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talking dog!
Dog: bark! bark!
Homer: Damn straight!
- [3F24] El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer




#15

Bart: My theory is... Skinner likes dogfood.
-4F23 The Principal and The Pauper

#14

Bart: Lisa, certain differences -- rivalries, if you will -- have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny.
Lisa: Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.
Bart: Aah! Mr. Honeybunny!
Homer: Quiet down, Bart!
Lisa: Bart, just get outta here.
Bart: Hey: it's a free country. You get out.
Lisa: That doesn't make sense.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Lisa: Get out, get out!
Bart: OK, but on my way, I'm going to be doing this: (starts waving arms and walking towards her) If you get hit, it's your own fault.
Lisa: OK, then I'm going to start kicking air like this. (kicks) And if any part of you should fill that air, it's your own fault.
(they walk towards each other, and start fighting)
Marge: Oh, I better go check that out. Now Homer, don't you eat this pie!
Homer: OK... All right, pie, I'm just going to do this. (chomps air) And if you get eaten, it's your own fault! (walks towards pie, chomping air, and hits head) Ow! Oh, my -- aw, to hell with this. (grabs pie and eats it)
-2F05 Lisa On Ice

#13

Lou: You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night-
Wiggum: The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's. I, I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Must've sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know, the funniest thing though; it's the little differences.
Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out! Well, what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?
Lou: Mm-hm. They call 'em, "shakes."
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.
-3F18 Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield

#12

Homer: (On the phone) Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening.
Lisa: We are not weiners!
-[3F10] Team Homer

#11

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: (To Homer) You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not, not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!
Bart: Uhhh, Dad. Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart! Go to your room.
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad!
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbeque wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I'm out of here!
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!
-3F03 Lisa the Vegetarian

#10

(Burns high on ether)
Homer: Uh...excuse me, Mr. Burns?
Burns: Poppin' Fresh! You glutinous little doughboy. (Homer turns into Poppin' Fresh in Burns' mind) There's something I've wanted to do to you for years! (starts poking his stomach; Homer laughs)
Homer: (getting his eyes poked at) Ow! Heh, Mr. Burns? I, er, was wondering if you'd like to sponsor my bowling team...for... $500.
Burns: Ho ho, why, certainly, Poppin' Fresh! I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple-bleached goo.
Homer: Woo hoo! (runs out) Hey, everybody: if you want to ask Burns for a favor, now's the time! He's doped up, or dying, or something.
Hans: Uh, excuse me: I'd like to request $17 for a push-broom rebristling.
Burns: Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun. I'm going to get your Lucky Charms. (starts a drill)
Hans: Oh, no, my brains.
-3F10 Team Homer

#9

Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
-3F03 Lisa the Vegetarian






#8

Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
-9F07 Mr. Plow

#7

Homer: Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?
-2F09 Homer the Great

#6

Lisa: His name doesn't matter. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Bart: Not if you called 'em stenchblossoms.
Homer: Or crapwheats.
Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapwheats for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.
-4F23 The Principal and The Pauper

#5

Skinner: (thinking in the jury box) I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: if I found out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, boy. (singing)Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...
-1F19 The Boy Who Knew Too Much



#4

(I know it's not exactly a quote but it's still funny and worthy of the top 20 in my eyes!)
(When Troy McClure and Selma are getting married)
Rev.: If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
(Zoom in to Homer as if he is thinking)
Homer's Brain: (singing to himself "Rock 'N Roll Part Two") Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! Dah-dah, dah-dah! Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! Dah-dah!
-3F15 A Fish Called Selma

#3

(family suspecting nothing)
Homer: Marge...?
Marge: Yes, Homey? (hums circus music.)
Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
-2F12 Homer the Clown

#2

Bart: If it helps, I believe that after you die, you come back as whatever you want. I'll be a butterfly.
Lisa: How come?
Bart: Because, nobody ever suspects the butterfly. (evil laugh)
(we see the burnt down school)
Skinner: I didn't burn down the school. It was the butterfly, I tell you, the butterfly!
Wiggum: He's crazy, boys. Get the taser.
(little Bart butterfly holds a gas can and laughs)
-2F32 'Round Springfield

#1

Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams." That's what I call hamburgers.
Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.
Chalmers: Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams."
Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.
Chalmers: I see.
(after eating the hamburgers)
Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Skinner: Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe.
Chalmers: For steamed hams.
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.
Skinner: Uh ... you know ... one thing I sh... 'scuse me for one second.
Chalmers: Of course.
(Skinner walks in and out of kitchen in a second)
Skinner: (faking a yawn) Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- (notices kitchen is on fire) Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
(Skinner and Chalmers walk outside)
Agnes: (screaming from inside the house) Seymour! The house is on fire!
Skinner: No, mother. It's just the Northern Lights.
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.
-3F18 Twenty-Two Short Films About Springfield

Now obviously I can't think of ALL the funny quotes, so if you think of one that well-deserves to be on my list, Mail it to me! and if I think it is funny enough, I might add it!

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