We Come to Dig Up Larry Lawrence, Not to Bury Him AP News: The body of former Ambassador Larry Lawrence was removed from Arlington National Cemetery Thursday, a Pentagon spokesman said. Larry Lawrence, of course, was the U.S. ambassador to Switzerland. Or... maybe it was Sweden. Well, some European country that sounds like that and has tall blondes in it. Swaziland? Anyway, he died last year, and, as befits a wounded war hero, he was buried in Arlington National Cemetery. Only then it was discovered that, contrary to Ambassador Lawrence's claims that he had been wounded while serving in the Merchant Marine in World War II, Lawrence had not been in the Merchant Marine at all. During the ensuing controversy, his wife asked to have him removed from the cemetery. Although Lawrence may have lied about his war service, he's still a national hero, said White House spokesman Mike McCurry at a press conference today. "Contrary to what the venomous mouths spewing hate across our nation's airwaves say, Ambassador Lawrence was a great patriot. My heart is in the coffin there with Larry. It's no cakewalk, being Ambassador to Swaziland." "That's Switzerland, Mike," a member of the Washington press corps shouted. "Right, right, Switzerland. I mean, the situation there with those Swedes is awfully tense. The whole country could go off like a powder keg at any moment. What's more, Ambassador Lawrence gave freely of his own money, spending ten million dollars to help raise the level of political debate in this country." "Mike, do you mean his contributions to the Democratic Party?" "Isn't that what I just said?" McCurry revealed that the White House is anxiously seeking another method of honoring Lawrence, and some place to put him. McCurry floated some trial balloons, hoping to get a feel for public reaction to them. The most prominent suggestions have been: Lenin's corpse has been looking lonely lately. For that matter, Mao has been pining for some company. Lawrence could be used as a body double for Al Gore, for instance, standing in for Gore at temple fundraisers, or holding debates with Ross Perot. McCurry observed that "at least this would give Perot a fighting chance." Since Chelsea left for college, the White House has seemed so empty. Hillary could use a companion. The DNC legal defense team needs a new spokesman. If Mario Cuomo can't be persuaded to accept a nomination, Lawrence might be Clinton's next Supreme Court nominee. The Democrats may run him for Strom Thurmond's Senate seat in 2002. "The people of South Carolina seem to appreciate having a well-decomposed Senator," McCurry pointed out. Hey, isn't the post of Ambassador to Swaziland still open?
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