Go Back 20 Years Or So
April 2, 1977
I'm not going to keep track of dreams anymore. I will write about the ones that are the most interesting.
April 3, 1977
Story idea: What if Christ would have come today?
Think about it.
April 4, 1977
I got my temporary driving permit today. I just realized how strange it is. Today I was thinking about the relationship between thoughts that sounded perfectly good one day and sounded lousy the very next day. I would like to give you an example. Just yesterday I was thinking about if Christ had lived today. Today I looked at what I had written down yesterday and I said to myself, "Thats a fair idea." Then, a few minutes later I thought that it would be interesting. Then I thought of it comically, for example instead of the cross they would have the electric chair symbol in churches. About two minutes later I thought about it seriously again. Finally I decided to just leave it the way that it happened.
I think that I'm having girl troubles again. They're going on all the time but there are times when girls seem more important than other times. Not just for sexual reasons, but to be a companion, a friend, someone to share everything with. I know who I like now, and I wish I could get to know her better. That would be nearly impossible though. I have blown about ten chances that I have had. I wish that I could be more aware. Well, not that its worth anything, her name is Chris Craig. I wish I knew a secret formula. I wish I could get to know her and not be conspicuous. I wish things would fall into place like one of my stories. I wish it was that easy.
Getting back to what I was saying. The first chance I blew was back in September. She actually came up to me and asked me if I went to school at Lake Catholic last year. I said "yes." and that was the end of it. But does she still like me? Did she then? I was too busy with Ann Heiss, who I should have forgotten about. She was as stupid socially as I was. She won't find a boyfriend for a few years. I have to hook Chris Craig by summer.
I figure that by May I can talk my dad into going out on a date some where with the car. Maybe I'm just pushing my luck, but if I'm not I'll have the summer with Chris. It should be ten times better than summer with Ann. There'd be 20,000 more things to do with a car, then you don't need to depend so much on your parents. Especially when they are very reluctant because you are so young.
April 5, 1977
I know that God, or in my terms the force that governs the Universe, has some important plan for me. Whether I am to influence a person, or to be the person that produces an important outcome in the course of human development remains to be seen. The most obvious question would be " But how do you know?" I can't be sure, but I do believe that I have met at least 100 close calls to death. If any one of these had changed by a fraction of a second or an inch they would have been fatal. I have also experienced minor cases of ESP, which has saved me at least twice that I remember. The final factor that has lead me to this conclusion is that I'm different than any one that I know. I think in a different manor and sometimes I feel inferior because of this. This is related to the time that I felt like I was going insane. (I didn't look back to find this in my writings but I vividly recall writing about it.) How much I wonder what I have in destiny's fate planned for me. Yet, maybe there is nothing.
April 9, 1977
I had my first driving lesson yesterday. It was scarry but fun. I can hardly wait for Tuesday. Tomorrow is Easter.
I've reread "My Book" and I found that I don't like the first chapter. It doesn't follow with the train of thought that I have created with the rest of the book. The first chapter and maybe the second are very childish comparatively to the rest of the book. They move much too fast. I am going to rewrite a 10-15 page first chapter when I finish writing the book. While I'm writing about my book I'd like to explain something. In this book I start out in one direction and end up in another. It looks like this picture that I'm going to draw.
(Insert picture page 109 here)
Each chapter changes the direction of the story until at last it is going in an entirely different direction and it got there by the long way around approach.
Hint for the story: When we opened the doors we noticed that were already there. There was no need to launch the rocket. Also Probably "Story about writing the book."
April 14, 1977
I can't believe what I did. I wrote a two page letter to that girl. (Chris Craig) I told her that I liked her and I didn't know what to do. It was a good letter, but I might have blown it in the part I said that doing this would, or might wreck my reputation. This sounds like talking to her would ruin my reputation like something is wrong with her. I meant that if any of my friends found out they would bug me about it. Now, I think that I should have left the whole sentence out.
I hope it works out OK. Any money, she comes up to me and asks "Is this your letter?" I didn't sign my name but I gave her hints to who I was. I don't know what I'll say, but I'm working on it.
Maybe: I really wanted to ask you to a dance, but there weren't any.
Or: Ya, did you like it?
Besides those two, hell if I know. Now I am worried. I want to get it over with as fast as I can.
April 15, 1977
There wasn't any reply. I don't even know if she got it. What happened? I don't know. I narrowed it down to four numbers out of 13 in the phone book. If I call her, what will I say?
How about: Did you get my letter?
Sounds good to me. Now I have to get enough courage up to call.
I should reach it in the first 4, but maybe its the fifth one. If not, I'll have to keep trying. But, if I don't have any luck until #13 I'm not going to call because it's bad luck and I'm shot down. I don't think that she lives in Kirtland anyway. I hope I get it on the first two tries.
April 15, 1977 (later)
I tried all of the numbers and I found that no one was home at four of the places. I continued calling until one line answered. The lady said "Hello" I said "Yes, is Chris home?" She answered "You want the one on Carrol." I said "Thank-you" and hung up. There wasn't any answer and so I went downstairs to watch TV.
A few hours have passed, and I don't want to call. Why? I don't know. I know that I want to call, but I'm scared. I'll give it about 15 minutes and then I'll call. Here is my best guess to how the conversation might go:
1 Hello
2 Yes, is Chris there?
1a Just a minute.
1b I am sorry you must have the wrong number.
1c She's not home right now.
1d Yes I am.
2a OK
2b Thank-you any way.
2c Thanks
2d Ya, did you get my letter?
1(a or d)a Who are you?
1(a or d)b Yes I did.
1(a or d)c No, what letter?
2a and b Did you like it?
2c Do you go to Lake Catholic?
1a Yes
1b No
Later yet - I called. She wasn't home, she went to a concert at Public Hall. This probably means that she is either going with an older guy, or she went with a group of friends. Probably the first with my luck. How can I win her? I just hope it's the second, please.
I called Caroline Urbansic and asked her advice. It wasn't much, so I still stand where I am -- No where.
Auf Wiedersehen.
April 16, 1977
I can't believe this chick, she's never home. It's 11:07PM and no one answers. I've been trying since 8:00PM. At that time she wasn't home but her father answered the phone. Besides that today was fine. I went over to David's house at 11:00AM At 1:30 we partied. That was the first time that I had ever done that. I took it as a scientific experience. At first there was nothing, but we went upstairs and began to watch TV. There was a stupid movie on and we began to laugh. After that everything felt great. The only other thing that happened was when I rode my bike home I felt as if swerving was really cool. I kept swerving down the road. It lasted for about 2 1/2 hours. I noticed the difference when it wore off, but still I've felt just as good other times when I was just having fun. Compared to alcohol, joints are better. Beer makes you have to piss and sometimes you get sick to your stomach. Personally, I'd rather party than get drunk any day. Scientific studies show that alcohol destroys your brain cells and you will never regain them. But the only danger so far discovered about pot was that it may distort sperm cells. This was only for a heavy user.
Shit, I thought of something. Most probably I won't become a dope addict but if I did this would be my death note. Imagine: Diary of a Dope Addict. No-way! But, still then LSD sounds cool, but its super dangerous. But fun. But no!!!!! Stop!!!
My Head is spinning; the first sentence in my book.
I want a driver's license, thats all. Well, not exactly, I want chicks, girls, but not just any girl, I want Chris Craig. How?
She can't be going with someone. Please, no, thats it for now. I am going to watch Saturday Night Live.
April 18, 1977
I am depressed, but I am fighting to get out. Today I acted like an idiot. We went to the Hauf Brau Haus, a German Restaurant. We goofed around so much and I am really ashamed of myself. I think it was hypertension because of the Chris Craig incident. Somehow, one day I'll get to know her. As I work toward my objective I must score with other chicks. I'll work my way up. I'll have a look at the Freshman girls.
I'm still trying to piece my thoughts together about Saturday and the pot, but what has been done was. What will be is by the time you say "is." I'm in a rut and I can't get out. I want to do anything.
It feels strange (This is unrelated, because I feel like not following any rules.) What if every law was exactly the opposite. Of course, nothing. It would be so different that it would be the same.
I quit for now...end
April 19, 1977
There was a time and as I remember it to be a year after the regionals in which I took 4th. That year I did lousy and my parents kept telling me that I was gifted and the old BS. They told me that I would win the Olympics one year. Well, they couldn't understand that once you reach a place, its hard to improve. They couldn't settle for a few tenths of a second here and there. They wanted to see a great drop in my time -- A superfall everytime that I swam. Well, I believed this to be impossible, so I decided to try an experiment. I worked real hard in practice, but I flubbed the meets. This wasn't meant to be on purpose, but I didn't get psyched up. I didn't try my hardest and I let things pass me by. My times remained somewhat stable, only falling once in a while. I just wasn't psyched and it made my body feel like it wasn't ready. In fact, the only thing that I ever got psyched for was the free relay. I did this because I'd be letting the other guys down if I didn't.
This lax attitude lead to other things. In school I was usually always lax. But, these three years that I loafed were the greatest. It seemed as if every quarter I loafed more and more. I ignored threats to prove later that I could improve. This way of life came easy to me and I kept it up.
The fall did lie in one aspect -- my drivers license. I was threatened with not being able to get it. Now with my third quarter report card in and my mother continuing to not only threaten me, but not giving in, I have decided to break with old tradition. I will turn over a new leaf no matter how heavy it may be.
Now I have to realize that this will take time and patients. In order for this to take effect I must start off with the easiest thing to manipulate. My brain. First off, I have to think. Of course I think now, but now I must think of others. I must control my actions with the utmost care and concern. The first of these actions must be my mouth. From mow on I will not say anything unless it is of necessity. I must not complain, brag or mock anyone. Talking, when necessary, must be pleasant at all times. I will do that for 24 hours and write something else to think about at 6:44PM tomorrow. Unless of course if I forget. Forgetting is probably the next aspect to concentrate on. I have to become aware of other people. The only way I'll know if my experiment worked is if I gain some type of recognition. (I would like to remind the readers that I have dropped into a deep depression at this time. I had it great for a while, I still remember.) Bringing to mind what I have just written in parentheses and also remembering how I felt at the time I have realized that there are long and short moods in which we all live.
At the beginning of the school year I was in deep depression, much like what I am experiencing now. By the end of the second quarter my mood became some what good. And just last week I felt high as a kite. The string broke and I fell. I hit hard. I think that I have rediscovered the reality that I had left behind when I was flying. But yet I am positive that harder times await me and the harder they get the harder I'll work.
I have noticed that the easier my schedule the worse my grades are. Yet when it's hard I can't get the grades that I am capable of because I'm lazy. I must not be lazy, but I am. I can't explain what I wrote, but I do think that someday someone will figure out exactly what I think and why. I think I'll leave the rest untouched.
Remember: Watch what you say. Remember to Remember.
Get back on the path of life.
April 20, 1977
I'm working on it, but not saying anything has its drawbacks. I didn't say anything unimportant all day so far. Do you know how quiet that is?
Well, anyhow studyhall today was a bitch. I had Biology homework to do. Someone sitting behind me kept squirting water at me and this was very annoying. After I finished my Biology I closed my book and debated with myself. I knew that fighting was five demerits and 5 demerits would be a Saturday detention. I wasn't doing anything on Saturday. Secondly, if I was to tell the moderator what would they do? Nothing, they can't even control the study hall. If they did do something what would the other kids say? (Fag, Nark, etc...) In other words I was losing respect. Finally I decided that the next time that I was hit I would knock some sense into Helt's head. I heard some talking. Something like, "What's that for Forbush?" I turned around and gave a dirty look. He smiled and that made me sick. OK I thought, just one drop and I'll get him. At this time. I was thinking "Should I use physical force, or should I talk to him?" I already tried talking to him and that didn't work. (Once before in Biology Class) I thought that he acted like an animal and the only way that you get animals to understand is by smacking them one. The water came and it hit me in the back. I got up and walked to the row behind me. I said "Excuse me Dave." very calmly. I walked down the row and Helt stood up. I grabbed him by the throught with my left hand. I threw him against the wall. I had him in a good position. I began to hit him in the stomach. When I moved to the head he broke my hold which was not very good anyway. I got a good bunch of punches in. Of course I am no professional fighter, so when I looked to see if the moderators were coming he got a good punch in. It left a bump on my head. I hit him a couple more times and then I just stopped when he was just sitting there. The moderators took us to the office. It was strange, because there was absolutely no force used to break up the fight or take us to the office. We sat in the office while they called the dean of discipline, Mr. Ward. Mr. Ward took us to his office and we told the story. In fact I didn't tell the story Helt did. What he said condemned himself more than me. I cleared my reasons and Mr. Ward told us that we probably wouldn't get off the hook, but we wouldn't get the whole 5 demerits either. After that he excused us. When we got back to study hall everyone asked us what happened.
I think that to win some respect I have to fight some fights, but more important, I must win and win good.
April 24, 1977
Today I went up stairs at about 12:00 and listened to the radio, then some records. Finally, I put on my headphones and listened to an old album that I got from M105 (Wishbone Ash: Locked In) I fell asleep and had three dreams. Or, at least a sequence of at least three scenes from a dream. I wasn't keeping track anymore, but these were intriguing. I don't remember which was first or last so I'll put them down in the order that I think of them.
Dream #1: This was strange, as were all of my dreams, but after it was over I had a conscious thought, "Write a book about it."
Well, it began as I found myself wandering down this path in a park-like atmosphere. I headed toward the bandstand. When I got there I leaned over the rail and gazed downward. It was unbelievable, but I was not surprised, I felt like anything could happen. There was no floor on the bandstand, instead there was a Maze-like, glass-like rodded structure. As I looked down I could see through the glass and I knew how it was down below. I knew that the sun shown as brightly. I knew that plants and all life was the same except for the absence of human life. Instead, there were Hobbits that lived below. I gazed for a long while and then I decided to try to go down into the other world. I advanced toward the door and the entire situation changed. It was that we were in a parking lot. A man in an orange jacket was sweeping the floor, or ground. I told him that I was going down there. He said " don't go" But I said "Why not?" I asked him if he had read the Hobbit and he said yes.
I told him that this was it. He began walking away. I asked him why. He said they don't like people. I asked him why. He kept sweeping and walking away. He told me that he had gone there and they had punished him. He didn't say, but I knew that the punishment was his job sweeping. He kept walking and I kept screaming why? Finally we came to the end of the parking lot. There was a white wall and a door. I was going hysterical "Why?" Then he turned and said "It began in 1673..." That's it.
Dream #2: I'll get the short one out of the way. First off, my cousins Mary Ellen and Mary Pat came over. They were spending a while in town, so they spent the night at our house. There were only two things that I remember. First off Mary Ellen was walking around with broachers and stuff about her scholarship to Calcuta, India. Second was the fact that Henry was singing a song that I didn't know. I had heard it many times, but I couldn't remember the words. Mary Pat came in and she could remember the entire song. I was jealous and thats that.
Dream #3: This was super strange. We were at a sports event and it was held like an anything goes event. The first event was some type of peg climbing event. It was between Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Jeff Therens. I wanted to hear the announcer so I tried to turn off the stereo next to me. It wouldn't turn off. I watched the event anyway. Bugs won with 10 and Jeff and Daffy tied with 9. (I have no idea what it means, but thats what my brain told me.)
I went to try to turn off the stereo. I pushed the automatic button and nothing happened. I picked up the arm and the music stopped, but the spindle in the middle sprung mechanical arms and picked up the arm and placed it on the record. I pulled out the spindle and it crawled back in. I broke the arm and the spindle welded it back together. I smashed the entire thing and it continued to putback the missing pieces. I was frustrated and I left. That's all folks... Ha Ha Ha.
P.S. If an unfortunate accident would ever happen to me it would NOT be suicide. Life is interesting. If it is bad or good nothing is wrong unless it hurts another person or hurts yourself. Live and let live. Right! I have a carefree attitude that should be enjoyed by everyone. I dread the day I work, but I will take it as an interesting experience that must be done.
May 2, 1977
I have just gotten into a severe rut of depression. First of all I got a detention for Saturday. Then I just feel sick, I've had a headache for about 4 days. Now, tonight, I went to a school skating party. No-one (girls) was there, that I knew very well. I asked a girl that I had known last year to skate with. She said, "No!" I just said "OK" and went on. There was one more couples skate so I got up the guts to ask another girl that I had never met before. She said, "No, I was just leaving." In other words I struck out and I am very depressed. I am more depressed than it looks here. That's because I don't want to write this I just want to go to bed.
One more thing, I have had quite a few very interesting and vivid dreams lately, but I haven't written them down because I haven't had much time at all.
Good Night.
May 3, 1977
I had an idea that might be interesting, but it would be difficult to begin. The title would be the "Undeterminable Story." It would be a collection of sentences that could be interpreted in more than one way. This way every person could read the book or story and understand it differently. The way I plan to do this would be to invent verbs and nouns that mean other things in real life but are undeterminable. It would take a lot of patience and time. Each sentence would have to be analysed carefully. If I never get around to doing it it would be fabulous if someone else did it. An example would be: We took immense Obile into the far reaches. This could be interpreted as almost anything from carrying a stone through a jungle to flying a space ship through space, or even a submarine under the polar cap. How interesting. I could read it 40 times and have a different idea each time. It would be a reusable book. I think I'm on to something. As long as I don't run out of imaginary words. I might rob some words from German. Maybe any language. How strange. Maybe I will start something different. Each person will like it for a different reason. Here's another example: We planned to get the Gelton from the Space. This could mean things from planning to rob a bank or getting a book down from a shelf. The only problem that I could see would be the ending. This would be a very easy book to read for school. Yet it could be very hard for those who don't have an imagination.
This would be the ultimate. Excellent!! Maybe if I try to write a story like this I'll get out of this rut that I'm in. The first sentence could be: It began in a time that was not different from that which the person was used to living.
May 12, 1977 Caroline's Birthday
Different people react differently to the same things. This is very well known and all, but what about the same people reacting differently to the same thing. People know this and they call the difference in the reactions -- emotions. I think that some day we will not depend on emotions. Either we will not have emotions and react only as a trained courtesy or we will have to learn our emotions. (This was not thought out very carefully.)
I think that I have another explanation for the slack in my work. Its girls. I think that I am girl crazy. This is very normal to a point, but I think that I am past my point. Plus, the way I see it, because of my striking out so many times lately I am depressed. This has made me wonder so much that I can't even concentrate on a single book, story or class.
Any way, its hard to control and I'm not sure that I want to control it. But, I must do something. I hope I get some time to think everything through. Besides this, I an super pissed off at my mistakes that I made lately. All were little things, but all adding up to one BIG MESS.
I wish I could pull some strings and reassure myself with things like "This isn't all there is to life." I know it isn't but I sure wish it were. I do have a draw back now, I feel as though I act childish. Every time something goes wrong I revert back to my childish ways.
I have tons more to write but I haven't the time. I wish that I did. Suck, even writing this seems off.
Correction Please!
May 15, 1977
This last weekend was a blast.My cousins: Mary Ellen, Mary Pat, Mary Jo and Charles along with my Aunt Pat and Uncle Chuck came in from Mt. Vernon, Ill. Friday started off just a little bad, Friday the 13th you know. I smashed up my bike. But from then on it only got better. 5:00PM Friday they came over to celebrate my Grandmother and Grandfather's 50th Wedding Anniversary. At first it was borring because we felt like we had to stay with the Adults. Henry went off with Charlie, Meg with Mary Jo and I stayed with Mary Pat and Mary Ellen.
We ate at about 7:00PM and after that we went upstairs to listen to records. We told stories and they were really funny, or at least I thought so. I am not going to write down every story, but I am going to put down some inside jokes that only we and maybe a few privileged people can understand.
1-A, 2-B, 3-C, 4-D, .... 27-AA
John Smith
Virginia Reels -> Ethel Smith
Chris and the Bear
Athletes Foot of the tongue
Henry invented the Electric Guitar while trying to make an Electric frying pan.
Chief Golden Leaf
Irving and Abigail Schwarz
I couldn't believe the stories and how funny they were. Excellent!!!!
Well, the fun was soon over and they had to leave. We knew that we would see them again the next day. (5-14-77) at the Thanksgiving Mass. I enjoyed every minute so much that I could hardly wait to see them again. Finally the time flew by and it was time to go. We drove to grandma's house and when we got there we walked over to the church. At church, to everyone's surprise, Grandma and Grandpa took their marriage vows again. Any how mass went super fast because of all the excitement. Henry was telling me that he was staring at the servers. We went back to Grandma's house and stood around for a while, then we went to Smith's Restaurant (That was funny because it related back to the story from the night before.)
We went in to Smith's at about 6:30PM and we sat around. We took our time and talked and laughed about everything. I could never write down everything that happened there, or for that matter the whole weekend. It isn't as fun now but it was great while it happened. Things that were the high points:
1) Mary Pat eating spare ribs and my dad teasing her about watermelon.
2) Mary Ellen passing her Black Russian under the table to us.
3) Lobster and Filet Minong
4) Creme de Mint Parfette
Afterward we (Mary Pat and I) went out to the van and started it up. We listened to the radio. Henry and Charlie came out and then he ran back to the restaurant. A policeman in a car saw him running and stopped to ask us if everything was alright. This scared the hell out of Mary Pat. It was super funny afterward though. I was pretty scared too, I even checked for my wallet.
My dad drove to Grandma's House and we went inside. (Remember: we weren't stopped by any red lights.) The kids went downstairs. (That included us.) We played 8-track tapes and tried to avoid flying objects. We calmed them down and danced a little, but everyone soon got tired. We told some new stories and I should remember some of these things.
Steve Haris and Terry
The Beatles and Hotel California Gold Rush
Then there was Mary Ellen's story:
Mary Pat the water rat
Belly Dancer
Michael Motorcycle
Framp the Vamp
Hank the Tank
Bank Robber
Charlie Con Carne
Chille Maker
Margaret Ann Spagetti Pan
Spagetti Eater
Mary Jo Stinky Toe
and Mary Ellen's four husbands of which I only remember two:
Gene the Bean who loved green and
Bill the Pill
The story was never finished because we had to leave. I regretted leaving but we had a lot of fun.
Any way, on the way home I had to steer the van because my father said so.
I'm pretty sure that I'll remember that.
Today I went with John Feedack to see Acro-Sport which wasn't the greatest in my opinion, but afterward we drove around and that was interesting. I bought a new album -- Led Zepplin III. Its now 10:33PM and I have things to do. By the way, that was a truely great weekend and I can't get over it. Maybe I'll be depressed again or maybe this brought me out of it. I will soon find out. I want to go to Mt. Vernon soon, maybe summer.
April 17, 1977
I had two excellent dreams last night. The first I will title "Love at First Sight." At school one day I met this girl who was sitting at a table with some friends. I bumped into her accidentally and I looked down at her. She looked up at me. I gently stood her up and she said, "Do you think that this is love at first sight?" I said, "What's your name?" She gave me an audible answer that I don't remember, but it sounded like a good name. "Do you want to come over tonight?" I asked.
"Fine" she said. As we came to the doors of the school I said, "You know I don't have a car, we'll have to walk."
"Is it far?"
"No, just down the street." We began walking through a field. At first we were just holding hands, then I put my arm around her. She began to squeeze and feel me. I put my hand on her right bosom and felt the softness. Just walking with her was great. We just walked through this field on and on.
The second dream was strange. It was about a talking squirrel. It was just a baby squirrel. Anyhow, it was just a non-sense dream.
May 19, 1977
Tonight my mom is coming back from Washington DC. She has been there since Monday with my brothers class from school. My brother took two right shoes and he left me with the two left shoes. Today I get my school ring. (Its Ascension Thursday.) I still can't get over all the fun we had last weekend. But, more fun is coming. We hardly have any school today and we have even less tomorrow. Well, I've got to leave for school now, Auf Wiedersehen. (This is morning, I may follow up later with something else.)
This is later as a wrote before. I'm writing in blue ink so you can tell where the morning ended and where the beginning began. Now, I have felt the urge to write about early sex in my life.
The first time that I became aware that there may be a difference between the sexes was in 1966. This was the year that we moved into our new house. Ed Whitson and I went to the turn-around and walked through the woods. As I remember we walked in the woods behind our house toward the turn-around. By the time we got a bout halfway down the street I had the urge to take a piss. In those days I always had to piss. It was either me or Ed. If he took a piss then I did as well and vis versa. Somehow the discussion of girls came up. I had an erection. I had no idea what had caused it, but I knew that I could live with it. As we talked about girls I wondered why girls and boys were segregated by bathrooms. Of course, the logical answer was that something was different between the sexes. The only logical difference that I could come up with was that if we had dicks then evidentially they didn't and they were deprived of the luxury of a super great water gun.
Thats as far as we got for a while, but the mysteries still intrigued me. I can't remember what the date was, but I'll tell you that some time in the year that I flew to Rolling Meadows and my brother, sister and parents drove there which I determined to be 1968 I had my next experience. This was the year Meg first walked. Anyway, Mary Pat and I got along super great. When I say great I mean great great! Well, anyhow, however it came up I wanted to see how it really looked. So we invented a game called doctor. We didn't know that this was the universal name for this game. I figured that nobody else would ever even think of doing such a thing. Anyway, besides just looking I persuaded her to let me touch it. Finally a little later we influenced one of Mary Pat's girl friends to play along. This was fun, but Mary Pat had an anxiety of being watched by Mary Ellen. So, there was a secretive approach to the whole matter. Finally this all had to come to an end and we had to go back to Mentor, Ohio. (It feels so funny now thinking about this being my cousin and all, but I still don't know.)
My next experience happened in the Summer between 2nd and 3rd grade, maybe even 3rd and 4th or maybe both. Anyway, Kathy Therense lived across the street from me and she was my age. There were periods when I liked her and periods when I didn't. She was always talking about an old boyfriend from her old Neighborhood. Anyhow, her brother Jeff an I were good friends and we did things together all the time. Well, during this summer I got the idea of playing doctor again and I had to break it gentlely because doing it suddenly would scare her off forever. Maybe she would tell my mother, the worse fate. First of all I began to drag sex into the conversation. I would tell super lies about me and Peggy Watson, Kathy's friend from down the street. I think that she believed some of the lies because one day I heard this story repeated by Chris Glicker:
"What do you mean touch her puss?"
"One time a long time ago I put my hot dog in her bun. You wouldn't believe what it felt like."
"But don't you get a baby?"
"Of course you do."
"We took it up to the adoption agency."
I don't know if this was a key point or not but soon afterward we would go out into the woods and play show and tell. I never did get to touch her pussy, but then there was Peggy. I persuaded her to piss for me in the field. (A huge area of weeds that grew 4 or 5 feet tall.) There was a board out there that we could sit on. Anyhow, I pissed in the weeds for her and then she crouched down and pissed for me. This was pretty cool, I thought. I only touched Peggy's pussy a few times but I liked it anyway.
I got back to talking with Kathy and she told me about her brother's Play Boy magazine collection. She told me that she used to pose like they did in the pictures. Kathy and Peggy must have talked about this one day, because they planned a big show in the Garage. Kathy and Peggy got into a big cardboard box. There was some rattling and after a while they would jump up with no clothes on. I would applaud. After a few times and a couple of different poses they persuaded me to do the same thing. But, the furthest I got was just pulling down my pants.
You may think that this was easy, well it wasn't. Especially when you have a super holy holy little brother fink who would frown upon the slight suggestion of this type of activity. Henry and Jeff were the same age, so they became close friends. Although Jeff didn't care as much as Henry there were problems that came up.
A combination of factors lead to the end of these activities. It ended like this. There were a group of kids gathered in the Compton's front yard sitting at a picnic table. There must have been at least 13 kids there and I was talking to Kathy. Just before we got there we had made a number system. 1 was a kiss, 2 was a hug and 3 was show and tell. At the table Kathy said let's go do number 1. I don't think that she realized that this sounded so dirty. Anyway, I said "No, how about number 3?" She said "No, number 1 or nothing." The other kids began to listen to our conversation and they began to wonder what the numbers were for. Well, I was talking with Jeff before and I had told him what had gone on before, as I usually did.
He said "Oh, I know one is a kiss."
I said "Oh boy"
"Two is a hug."
"Oh shit."
With that I lost a sense of reality. I just thought about my parents finding out. I would be punished to no end. My brother ran home to fink that I swore. But, Jeff went with him and told Henry about number 3. Somehow, my mother found out. (I wonder)
Anyway, I wasn't allowed near Kathy for a while, about 2 years. Her parents found out and she was punished. Our friendship grew further apart, I was extremely angry with Jeff and I wouldn't even talk to him. My dad had me rushed to confession and afterward I had a father-son yell.
The confession must have been pretty funny for the priest. I walked in and said "Father it has been X weeks since my last confession." then I said, "Father, me and a girl ah ah sorta showed each other our, ah ah private parts." He said, " Is that all?" and I said yes. I have pictured it my mind exactly how it happened and thats one of the things that I'll never forget.
But this never stopped me from having fun. When there's a will there's a way. The summer between 6th and 7th grade Ed Whitson and I had great hopes of persuading Kathy again, before they moved. We dug a fort in the field. It is still there today, only a little wet. The fort was dug very fast and it was pretty big too for a one day job. I estimate it to be about 5ft. long, 3ft wide and 4ft deep. We covered it with boards that we stole from the new condominiums. We blanketed the floor and tried to persuade Henry and Jeff to go back to the Condos. I didn't have much luck with Ed there but later on I got another show and tell.
This was the last one for a long time. Neighbors have moved in and out and in again until we have the set up that we have today. There are two girls that live next door. When they first moved in we were good friends. We built a tent in the backyard. At first we just listened to the radio or tape recorder. Then of course the sex question came up. I began to ask her about old boyfriends and such and she told me that they had done show and tell in their old neighborhood. This was a breakthrough, I thought. First of all, one day in the tent I asked one of the girls for a kiss. We began to neck. Suddenly she asked, "Is this for real?" I said, "No, just for practice." She said, " That's good."
A day went by and I thought that experience was interesting, why not go a little further. So the following day I put her hand down my pants while we were necking. She began to squeeze me and it felt good. Wow. I put my hand down the back of her pants. I didn't really go this fast, remember my brother, sister and her sister were problems. I began to think that this wasn't right I should know better. But why pass up this opportunity. So I didn't. I felt as if I was a sex maniac and thats exactly what I was. The tent didn't feel like a perfectly safe place, so we put some wall on a tree fort in our neighbors yard. We had built the fort the year before, now we were improving it. Well, finally we played doctor, Necked with our clothes off. I would have gone all the way, but my cock wouldn't fit. That was a summer of experiment and fun. But then came the tragedy. First there was a growing hatred between our parents. The straw that broke the camels back was when Henry pulled down the garage frame on their garage. This lead to a feud and I became interested in Ann Heiss. I didn't really care about this girl except for the cheap thrills. I never got any further than a hug and a kiss from any other girl, but some of those hugs were better than anything that happened in all the years before. I mean now the hugs and kisses really mean something.
I feel that at this time I am out growing this severe craving for raw sex and now I am phasing in the real meaning of love. If I could live my life over again I would exclude many of my mistakes, but I wouldn't exclude any of these experiences. They may come in handy one day. I can recall one that was already put into use -- the french kiss.
I think that it is always fun to fantasize and nothing is wrong with this no matter how bad other people would view it, as long as the person enjoys thinking about it. Now takers of lives, killers, should be put into another class with the maimers and destroyers. But they should still be able to think freely about whatever they wish. Putting these thoughts into actions however is something completely different. I only understand how my mind works and to me killers are crazy. But to others I may be considered crazy. Well, this may very well be so, but then I enjoy being crazy in this manner. I don't hurt anyone. I always have absolute consent to any act, even including kissing. I don't move as fast as I do in my story, "My House." In some instances I wish that I knew how, when and where to move faster.
This is about it and I am glad that I finally wrote all of this down and I was as truthful as possible in all instances. There is one last request that I have about this tale that I tell you. When I am old and gray, dead and gone, which ever comes first, and this old beat up notebook is found. I do know that the beginning part isn't very interesting and completely stupid in some places. There are parts that are very interesting such as today's writing and the first sentence in this book. ("Thoughts, the will to think.") So, if this was ever to be published, which would be my greatest desire about this journal,the overall out look on people may be changed. People may read this and think "He's just like me, we think alike, or at least in some places." If this were published I give my permission to correct all of the spelling and grammar errors that I have committed. And, if any names are incriminated you may change the last names but you should keep the first names. On page 4 and 5 I tried to create a base 26 number system. I believe that my idea is still correct but I would appreciate it if this was reprinted correctly. Start with A=0.
After reading this and someone actually wants to redo this go right ahead as long as everything else is still right. If I have a nervous break down this might help to revive me. I recommend use because I am almost finished with this notebook. This does not mean that I am going to finish writing. As they say, I've only just begun, so look for my second book in which I predict I will write in a yellow notebook as opposed to this blue one.
I have to stop here. Not because I don't have anything more to write, but because I have to go to the bathroom and my ring finger is swollen from writing so much. This is probably my longest entry. Good bye.
May 20, 1977
I began my journal part II in study hall. Right now I am up the roof taking a sun tan. I have taken one every day this week; today is Friday. It doesn't seem to help very much. The disco-bowling party is tonight and I am going. I hope that I meet a nice girl. I would like someone to share myself with.
As far as Chris goes, I don't think that there is any use. That really pisses me off, because she was so great looking. That's the way it goes and thats about it.
There are girls at school that I don't mind and every day I see new ones. One of these days I will find the girl of my dreams as I wrote in a poem this year.
Getting off the track for a while, I'd like to talk about nostalgia for a while. I would like to mention some of the things that happened in the past and I thought were very interesting. I should remember them. They are not in any particular order, except for the order of my thoughts.
My first was writing the book "My House." It is not even near being finished. I got the idea while walking my paper route. At the time I had the idea of the possibility to change from male to female at will. I thought about be able change so that I was attractive and that no one would be able to distinguish me from my original self. I really wanted this pretty bad and I thought that if I prayed to God he would grant my wish. I asked him for signs all the time and sometimes I made myself believe that the sign was given. I asked that my dick regress into a cunt for just a little while so that I would at one time have the "Power of Change." Well, anyhow, I realized that even if I did get the "power of change" I would run into many difficult problems. 1) Where would I go? There was a vacant lot that had a path that I used to get to my paper route. I used my imagination to invent an underground fort where I would trick guys into believing that I was a girl. It would be like the enormous house that was built in Colorado and described in "My House." My first idea other than the House it's self that has now been diminished into a minor detail and it isn't very important in the book now.
Since I only have a little bit of a page left I will change the subject because anyone can read "My House" and find out for yourself what I am writing about. Besides, I am going to write a prolog and a preface which will give you other interesting facts. My final thought in this book is and does not have to do with what I was about to write. It is a thought about pot. This is: Anyone who indulges in alcohol and puts down pot should have his/her head examined, because actually pot is safer than beer and cigarettes combined. So, if you believe in cigarettes or alcohol don't condemn pot. I would list the order in which I would indulge in these three things:
1) pot
2) alcohol
3) cigarettes.
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