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View each joke by clicking on the month
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JANUARY
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A man walks into a bar. "Gimme a double,
before the sh*t hits the fan." A few minutes later, same
thing. "Gimme a beer before the shit hits the
fan." This goes on for an hour or so.
Finally the bartender goes to to him and says, "Listen buddy, maybe
you should pay before you get another drink."
"Ooops, the sh*t just hit the fan," he replied.
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FEBRUARY
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MARCH
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These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles
club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the
bar. "I don't get it," complained the first guy.
"He's not good looking, he has absolutely not taste in clothes, and
he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home
with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good
conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."
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APRIL
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One night, this guy comes into a bar and asks the
bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a
couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and
now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But isn't it a
good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
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MAY
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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar,
"What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch,
please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says
"That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies,
"What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for
this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to
the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original
offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was
no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here
again."
The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life!!" The bartender replies, "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
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JUNE
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A man walks into a bar and sees he's the only one
there. He orders a beer and reaches for a bowl of peanuts.
Very quietly, he hears "Nice hair."
He looks around and doesn't see anybody so he continues drinking.
Very quietly he hears "Nice shirt."
Now he starts to get nervous and asks the bartender if he said
anything. The bartender didn't so he finishes off his beer.
Very quietly he hears "Nice pants."
Finally the man flips out and accuses the bartender of slipping
something into his drink.
The bartender says "Why? What's the problem?"
The man says "I keep hearing things! 'Nice hair, nice shirt,
nice pants'!"
The bartender says "Oh. That was the peanuts talking.
They're complimentary."
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JULY
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A little fella walks into a bar.
Unfortunately there is a plie of dog crap just inside the door, and he
slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and
walks to the bar and buys a drink.
A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of
dog crap, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.
The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a
conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, " I just did
that."
The big guy punched him in the mouth.
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AUGUST
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Three pieces of rope
walk into a bar; a long one, a medium one, and a short one. The
short one turned to the bartender and said, "I'd like three beers,
please." The bartender looked at the rope and said
"Sorry, I don't serve ropes here."
The medium rope said to the short rope "You need a bigger rope to
do the talking." So he turned to the bartender and asked for
three beers. Again the bartender replied that he didn't server
beer to ropes.
The long rope turned to the other two ropes and said, "All you need
is a little imagination." So first he tied himself in a knot,
then he took out a comb and combed the end of his rope until it was
undone. Then he went to the bartender and said "I'd like
three beers, please."
The bartender looked at hime and said "Aren't you a rope?"
And the rope replied, "I'm a frayed knot."
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SEPTEMBER
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Stuck in a strange
city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and
looking to strike up a conversation, turned to the bartender and said,
"Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress..."
"Stop! I don't permit talk about politics in my bar!!"
interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again. "People say the
Pope..."
"No religion talk, either" the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk about sex?"
"Sure"
"Then screw you."
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OCTOBER
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A mouse was setting
in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at
the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a
drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another
drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were
leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the
barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and
broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out. The
bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and screwing I must
have ran 10 miles!"
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NOVEMBER
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A drunk was sitting
at a bar when a woman stood behind hime and raised her arm really high
to get the bartenders attention. The drunk saw that she had very
hairy armpits.
The drunk yelled at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a
drink!" She got her drink and went away. Later, she
returned and raised her arm again. The drunk say her and yelled to
the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink!" She got her
drink and went away again.
The bartender asked the drunk how he knew she was a ballerina when she
was a stranger and had never been in the bar before.
The drunk replied, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her
leg that high!"
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DECEMBER
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One night a man
walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man,
"That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden
leg?"
So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. His one
special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to
safety. Saved my life."
The bartender says, "Well that's great. But why does he have
a wooden leg?"
The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one
special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat
capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."
The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden
leg?"
The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one
special pig. last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and
my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."
And finally the bartender says, "Wow, that is one special
pig. He saved you from a fire, and earthquake and from
drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat it
all at once."
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