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Dog Humor Page 2
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BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home. 5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why. 7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support. 10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog. 1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy. 2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack. 4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him. 5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing. 6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this? 9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a Rottweiler. 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours. 20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit. 16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working. 13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee. 12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver. 11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging. 10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb. 9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome 8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand... 7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software. 6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test. 5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question! 4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver. 3. Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures.master's.leg. 2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms. and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers... 1. TrO{gO DsA[R,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. * ( * 1. Too Darn Hard To Type With Paws. ) The dog is not allowed in the house. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture. The dog can get on the old furniture only. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only The dog can sleep under the covers every night. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog. -From "My Dog is the World's Best Dog" by Suzy Becker. Arson Dogs -- couldn't get the dog fired up. Water Search Dogs -- dog was in over his head. Airport Detection Dogs -- dog was too flighty. Drug Detection Dogs -- dog wouldn't inhale. Currency Detection Dogs -- the dog was a poor candidate. Agricultural Products Det. Dogs -- dog had no taste for the work. Wildlife Detection Dogs -- dog was just winging it. Explosives Detection Dogs -- dog kept blowing it. Termite Detection Dogs -- dog bugged me too much. Gypsy Moth Detection Dogs -- dog's mind kept wandering. - By Chomi Ohoyo 1. In the bowl. (A good foundation, but important to supplement with other groups.) 2. Off the table. (Most varied group, but best eaten when no one is looking.) 3. On the floor. (A nutritious way to snack between meals.) 4. Grass - taken at least once a day to enable vomit activity. (Vomit activity best engaged in while resting head on caretaker's lap.) 5. Poop. (At least once a day for overall digestive happiness. May be taken topically via rolling in it.) Best if eaten immediately after production. Be sure to lick owner in face after ingestion. You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can (and will) be done anywhere, anytime. Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged. Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on. Balance and Coordination: Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway! Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees. Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing. Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog. Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous. Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first). Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches. Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bone and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today? Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable. Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it! One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep." A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: HELP WANTED; Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have To be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very Intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow." 10. Thought the house was too orderly 9. Never did like having a full nights sleep 8. Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW 7. Thought the furniture looked too nice 6. Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, pre-dawn, etc. 5. Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn't want to pay a gardener. 4. Neighbors didn't complain enough 3. Kids weren't enough of a challenge 2. If you can train & show one dog, why not ten 1. Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows I do the Rottie wiggle-butt dance cuz my tail is just a nub! I do the wiggle-butt dance hoping for a tummy rub! I do the Rottie wiggle-butt dance cuz you make my life complete. I do the wiggle-butt dance cuz it makes you smile so sweet! I do the Rottie wiggle-butt dance when it's time for us to walk! I do the wiggle-butt dance it's my special Rottie-talk! I do the Rottie wiggle-butt dance when you pick up my food bowl! I do the wiggle-butt dance cuz when you give it back it's full! I do the Rottie wiggle-butt dance when you pick up my ball! I do the wiggle-butt dance C'mon! Throw it down the hall! I do the Rottie wiggle-butt dance when I hear your car drive in! I do the wiggle-butt dance cuz I get to kiss your skin! I do the Rottie wiggle-butt dance cuz I want for you to know.... I do the wiggle-butt dance because I love you so! by Joni Johnson (for my wiggly one) If you don't want to be greeted with paws and wiggly rears, don't come inside, because dogs live here. If you don't like the feel of a cold nose or wet tongue, don't come inside, because dogs live here. If you don't want to step over scattered toys, don't come inside, because dogs live here. If you think a home should smell like perfume, don't come inside, because dogs live here. ARB ( ace refrigerator bandit ) BW ( butt wagger ) BWX ( butt wagger excellent ) CC ( cat - courser ) CCX ( cat - courser excellent ) CP ( couch potato ) CPX ( couch potato excellent ) CSX ( counter surfer extrordanaire ) GFIY ( go fetch it yourself ) IDDI ( I didn't do it ) ILF ( I like food ) ILLF ( I like lots of food ) IWFF ( I work for food ) LD ( lap dog ) LDX ( lap dog excellent ) TBF ( thick but friendly ) TGS ( terribly good snorer ) TGAN ( terribly good at nothing ) TSIM ( that seat is mine ) TTIM ( that toy is mine ) UNCD ( under the covers dog ) UNCDX ( under the covers dog excellent ) WM ( who me ? )
you have ALMOST reached the same level of development as your dog. |
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