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Dog Humor Page 3
Home
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Are you experiencing too many reserves and 2nd places to inferior animals in the dog show ring? In the agility and/or obedience ring, does your dog forget his own name? Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you. Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost money. Simply send a copy to six other dog owners who are dissatisfied with the way their dogs are working and showing. Also bundle up your dog and send him/her to the dog owner at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. Do not use a return address or the post office may try to contact you. In one week, you will receive 16,436 dogs, and at least one of them should be a keeper. Have faith in this letter. Do not break the chain. One owner broke the chain and got his own dog back. 1. Great stud dog ...........................Mounts anything that can fog a mirror 2. Excels in movement ...................If he gets loose, run like Hell 3. Personality Plus........................ Wakes up if you put liver up his nose 4. Good bite ............................... Missed the judge, got the steward 5. Large boned..............................Looks like a Clydesdale 6. Good Obedience prospect.........Smart enough to come in from the rain but ugly 7. Quiet and good natured ..................In his kennel 8. Excels in type and style..............However, moves like a spider on speed 9. Won in stiff competition......Beat 4 puppies and a 9 year old novice dog 10. Multiple group winner............... At 2 puppy matches 11. Pointed....................His head is shaped like a carrot 12. Noted Judge ...........................He put up our dog 13. Respected Judge .....................He put up our dog twice 14. Esteemed Judge ......................He puts up anything that crawls 15. Specialty Judge .......................Puts up anything that looks like his own breeding 16. Won in heavy competition..........The others were revoltingly overweight 17. Shown Sparingly ..................... Only when we had it in the bag 18. Show Prospect .........................He has 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 tail 19. Finished in 5 shows .................And 89 where he failed to win a ribbon 20. Well Balanced ..........................Straight as a stick, front and rear 21. Handled brilliantly by................. Nobody else can get near him 22. At stud to "approved" bitches......Those bitches whose owners check is "approved" by our bank 23. Linebred from famous champions.....Ch Whoozitz appears twice 6th generation 24. Terrific brood bitch................Her conformation is the pits, but she throws big litters 25. Wins another Best In Show .........His second, under the same judge, Our uncle ... Why own a dog? There's a danger you know, You can't own just one, for the craving will grow. There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger. While living with lots you'll grow poorer and stranger. One dog is no trouble, and two are so funny. The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey. The fifth one delightful, the sixth one's a breeze, You find you can live with a houseful with ease. So how 'bout another? Would you really dare? They're really quite easy but oh, Lord the hair! With dogs on the sofa and dogs on the bed, And crates in the kitchen, it's no bother you've said. They're really no trouble, their manners are great. What's just one more dog and just one more crate? The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty, The floor is all footprints, the furniture dusty. The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care? Who minds a few noseprints and a little more hair? So let's keep a puppy, You can always find room, And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom. There's hardly a limit To the dogs you can add, The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad. Each one is so special, so useful, so funny. The vet, the food bill grows larger, you owe money. Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay, Except other dog folks, who all live the same way. Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead too, But your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew. There's dog food and vitamins, training and shots. And entries and travel and motels which cost lots. Is it worth it, you wonder? Are you caught in a trap? Then your favorite dog comes and climbs in your lap. His look says you're special and you know that you will Keep all of the critters in spite of the bill. Some just for showing and some just to breed. And some just for loving, they all fill a need. But winter's a hassle, the dogs hate it too. But they must have their walks though they're numb and you're blue. Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout At the dogs on the sofa who refuse to go out. The dogs and the dog shows, the travel, the thrills; The work and the worry, the pressure, the bills. The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life. They're charming and funny and offset the strife. Your lifestyle has changed. Things won't be the same. Yes, those dogs are addictive and so's the dog game! So... A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says," Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I HATE liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative." Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone....cheese mine." Author Unknown. 10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar. 9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears. 8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks. 7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia. 6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl. 5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip. 4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds. 3. A seasonally approciate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate. 2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots. AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS..... 1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans. Author Unknown There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher? Man replies "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "Why not?," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?" A dog walks into the unemployment office and asks a man behind the desk if he would help him find work. The man, astonished at the sight of a speaking dog, replies, "I think I can help you." The guy was immediately on the phone to the circus to find out if they could use the dog in their routine. The dog overhears some of this conversation and says, "I hate to interrupt, but what would the circus want with a brick layer?" A fire had broken out. The neighborhood kids watched as the fire truck pulled up. High on his usual perch sat the station mascot, a Dalmation. The youngsters wondered about the dog's function. One said, "He brings the firemen good luck." A second said, "He keeps people away so they can work." A third kid said, "You guys don't know anything. They use the dog to find the fire hydrant!" A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!" If only my dog had stood on his stand, When I gave him the signal: A move of one hand. If only he'd stayed on the one minute sit. Instead of deciding that 50 seconds was it. A figure 8 perfect, I could almost boast; If only he'd gone round the other post. If only he'd dropped on the signal I gave, And not when he saw the spectator wave. The retrieve on the flat - he knew what to do; If only he'd brought back the dumbbell I threw. The high jump retrieve - the only thing he lacked, And that dumbbell he didn't bring back. On the broad jump, if only he'd jumped all the way, and not tiptoed between to my utter dismay. When I signaled the glove it was there in plain sight; If only he'd gone for the glove that was right. His go-out was perfect - he just went so far; If only he hadn't both times jumped the bar. We'd have had a 200 - he could do everything, If only he hadn't run out of the ring. Author Unknown |
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