One night a burglar breaks into a house when its owners are asleep. He's lifting the TV to put in his bag when he hears a disembodied voice saying... "Jesus is watching you"

The burglar shines his light all over the room but is unable to find the source of the voice, so he attributes it to nerves, and carries on. As he is disconnecting the stereo wires, he hears the same voice.... "Jesus is watching you"

He looks around the room again, and spots a parrot sitting in the corner..."Did you say that?" he asks.

"Yup," the parrot admits," I was just trying to warn you, Jesus is watching."

"Ha!" the burglar snorts "Who are you, to warn me?!"

"Well," the parrot says, "My name is Moses."

"Moses! What kind of people name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people who name a Rottweiler Jesus."

(Author Unknown)

Things a Rottweiler Must Try To Remember

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Puppy Pie

DOGAHOLICS ANONYMOUS

How Do you Know When You Have Too Many Dog?

You're Obsessed With Dogs If...

Dog Haiku

Kitty Hygiene

New Dog Breeds

Newfoundland Lab + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound
- a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull
- a dog that makes awful mistakes.
>
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador
- a dog that barks incessantly.
Collie + Malamute = Commute
- a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere
- a dog that's true to the end.

Dog Show Disease

We have identified a new disease, probably caused by a virus among dog owning people. It apparently has been in existence for a considerable time, but only recently has anyone identified this disease, and begun to study it. We call it the Acquired Canine Obsessive Syndrome (ACOS). At first, ACOS was originally considered to be psychological in nature, but after two young researchers here suddenly decided to become show breeders, we realized that we were dealing with an infectious agent. Epidemiologists here have identified three stages of this disease and typical symptoms, and they are:


A. You have the early symptoms (Stage I) if:
1. You think that any show within 300 miles is nearby.
2. You begin to enjoy getting up at 5 a.m. in the morning to walk and feed dogs.
3. It is fun to spend several hours a day grooming dogs.
4. You think you're being frugal if you spend less than $3,000 a year on shows.
5. You can't remember what it was like to have just one dog.


B. You definitely have the disease (Stage II) if:
1. Your most important factor when buying a car is how many crates you can fit in it.
2. When you look for a house, the first thing you think of is how many dogs you can kennel on the property.
3. Your dog food bill is higher than your family's.
4. You spend as much on veterinarians as on doctors.
5. You have no money because of showing dogs.
6. You have to buy more than one vehicle a year, because you keep burning out the year or 70,000-mile warranty going to shows.
7. You have more pictures of the dogs than of your family.
8. Your idea of a fun vacation is to hit a show circuit.
9. Most of your conversations revolve around the dogs.


C. You are a terminal case (Stage III) if:
1. You wake up in the morning and find out that you put the kids in the crates and the dogs in the beds last night.
2. You know each dog's name and pedigree, but can't figure out who that stranger in the house is; it turns out to be your husband/wife.
3. Your neighbors keep insisting that those kids running around your house bothering the dogs are yours.
4. You keep telling the kids to "heel" and can't understand why they won't, and why they keep objecting to the choke collar.
5. You cash in the kid's college trust fund to campaign the dogs.
6. You've been on the road showing dogs so long that you can't remember where you live.
7. Your family tells you "It's either the dogs or us"; you choose the dogs.
Do you have this dreaded disease? Well, there is hope. In the course of our research, we have found that most cases seem to stop at Stage II, and remain chronic. We, with great difficulty, managed to acquire several Stage III ACOS patients. They are currently in our isolation wards, where we are studying them to gain a better understanding of this disease. It is a sad sight, seeing these formerly vibrant people as they shuffle around their rooms in endless triangle or L-patterns, making odd hand motions (as if holding a lead and baiting a dog), and making chirping noises.

Merely saying the word "Crufts" can send them into an uncontrollable frenzy.

Unfortunately, there isn't much hope for these cases, but with time and research to further understand this disease, we hope to come up with a cure We are now attempting to isolate the causative agent, and may be able to develop a vaccine in the future.

An interesting sidelight of this disease seems to be that exposure at an early age has an immunizing effect. Several people afflicted with ACOS at Stage II and Stage III have close family members (children, husbands, wives who have absolutely no disease. It is thought by some of our researchers that this may be due to environmental effects, to an aggregated immune function, or to the fact that those at these stages of the disease tend not to associate with their close family members possibly due to the memory deficit induced by the disease - that is, in that they don't remember that they have close family members!What can you do to prevent this disease? Until a cure is found, prevention is the measure.

Avoid kennels advertising "show stock," since it may be that dogs are carriers of the disease. Leave town on those days that the local newspapers inform you of a show in the area. If you inadvertently come into contact with an ACOS-afflicted person, leave as soon as possible (they do tend to cling), and thoroughly shower, preferably with germicidal soap. If you are living with an ACOS-afflicted person, take comfort that, if you haven't succumbed yet, you are probably safe....

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans

After your humans give you a bath, Don't Let them Towel Dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

You know you are a Dog owner when:

* You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

* You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.

* The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

* You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

* Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.

* You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.

* Your dog sleeps with you.

* You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.

* You have little songs that you sing to your dog, and she always wags when you sing, even though you can't carry a tune.

* You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

* You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.

* You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.

* You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

* You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.

* You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.

* You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.

* You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).

* You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.

* Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

* Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

* You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

* You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).

* You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.

* You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.

* You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.

* You are the only idiot out walking in the pouring rain, but your dog needs her walk.

* You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.

* Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog, remember her birthday, and send her greeting cards and gifts.

* Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).

* You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...).

* You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).

* You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

* You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.

* You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

* You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human

Beware Of Dog!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

How to prepare for a new puppy

1. Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.

2. Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.

3. Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, lets go!"

4. Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.

5. Play "catch" with a wet tennis ball.

6. Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.

7. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.

8. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the dog will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company.)

9. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting, "No no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.

10. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

11. Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver - it's going to get chewed on anyway.

12. Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.