TITLE: Mystery Slayer Theater 3000... Ayelle-Style (aka "The Slanderous Lie Fic") AUTHOR: Ayelle (& Catoninetails) SPOILER WARNING: Alternate universe. The "Surprise/Innocence" fiasco never happened, but the characters make references all the way up to "Gingerbread". Make sense? RATING : PG-14. CONTENT WARNING: A little TV acceptable swearing and some sexual innuendo. DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy & Co. Joss and the WB do. The fan-fic is by me (Catoninetails) and the MST3K-ing was by my sister Ayelle. I don't own the idea of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I don't even idea of Mystery SLAYER Theater 3000. But the person who did make it up, who mst3k'd my other badfic, emailed me and asked that all mention of her name be removed from this site, as she is 'moving on with her life' and no longer wishes to be reminded of it. I don't get that. I mean, I moved on with my life, but I didn't even bother to disassemble this site, much less bug everyone else to disassemble theirs. Too much effort, really, considering I don't even remember the names of all the people who have posted my stories around the web. Some people are absurd. Whatever. Mystery Slayer Theater 3000 Version of "The Slanderous Lie Fic"by: Ayelle (& Catoninetails)(Willow is sitting mournfully in front of the blank television. Giles is trying to console her. Buffy is sitting on the couch, stewing.) Willow: I still can't believe it. My own mother! Giles: Now, now, Willow, it was just another crazed idea of Joss's. Buffy: I had hoped he had gotten over that, around Christmas... things were starting to look a little better... and then this! Giles: And it wasn't just your mother, Willow. Joyce was in on it too. Willow: Well, Joyce, that doesn't surprise me. Buffy: Hey! She may be an idiot but she's still my mother! (Xander and Cordelia come in together.) Buffy: Found consolation in the broom closet again? Cordelia: You're one to talk. Where's Angel? Buffy: Asleep. Xander: Alone? (Drusilla appears on the screen.) Drusilla: Where's my Angel? (Angel walks in.) Angel: Did someone call me? Buffy: Congratulations, honey. You made it just in time to read another crappy fanfic. Angel: Oh, damn. Dru, are you sure you've got the right one? Drusilla: Yes, my sweet. It was in the pile Spikey said to send to you. Giles: I must agree with Angel; damn. Drusilla: Well, I'll leave you to read... (She disappears.) Willow: We might as well get started. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish. >PROLOGUE Angel: And here we go again. Buffy: Prologues, always a bad sign. >The fanfic author sighed. She had a very unpleasant duty ahead of her today. Cordelia: Hah! You think you've got it bad WRITING it, what about us? We have to READ it! >It weighed heavily on her heart and mind, but she couldn't let the charade go on any longer. As much as she loved Angel Willow: That's a bad sign. Buffy: Hey! I think the author has good taste! Angel: Modesty prevents me from agreeing, but, well, I agree. Willow: Sorry Angel... I just meant, it sounds like you're gonna be the town whore again. >(and she loved him an awful lot because he was so incredibly hot) Willow: See what I mean? Xander: I see that this author is clearly sick in the head. >it was time for the truth to come out. Giles: And the purveyor of truth is supposedly this author? Xander: Well, that insult flopped. Giles: Why does no one ever appreciate my attempts at witticism? Cordelia: Because we have taste? >You see, Angel was two hundred years old, Angel: Two hundred and forty-three! Why can't these authors ever get their facts straight? >and he was a very good liar. He had lied to Buffy and her friends for as long as he had known them. Xander: Well, you can't argue with that. Angel: I represent that remark! >But *I* know the truth... Willow: She just switched to first person POV. Bad grammar. Cordelia: And we care because? Willow: Just doing my duty. >Angel had been sleeping with Drusilla since the time she became a vampire till the time he got his soul back. (Buffy bares her teeth in annoyance and Angel cringes) Xander: I think this author's got your number, Dead Boy. Buffy: Especially regarding that "incredibly hot" part. >Actually, he was sleeping with Darla too, so he operated on a time-share. Cordelia: Well, that was nice of you, Angel. Angel: Except for that little thing about it being not true! >It was true waht he told Buffy, that his soul had been restored, Giles: This author has a stunning grasp of the obvious... Willow: Pity she hasn't got a similar grasp on spelling simple words. >but he didn't tell Buffy that he was STILL sleeping with Darla. Buffy: You were WHAT?? Angel: Calm down, Buffy! Badfics + Authors on Drugs = Total Falsifications, remember? Besides, Darla's been dead since "Angel". Xander: What if you killed her to keep her from talking, huh? Angel: What do you think you know, you retarded juvenile delinquent? Xander: You slash me with your words, you self-centered, vapid wh... freak. (He ducks away from Angel's growl and lunge for his throat) Willow: GUYS! Stop letting the author get to you, okay? Geez! >It's not that he was a town whore -- really, he was hard to get. Xander: That's a relief. Reading about Angel getting repeatedly laid is something I can very happily live without. Angel: Ooh, a touch jealous, are we? Giles: Actually, I have to agree with Xander on this one. >(What a shame.) Willow: This author seems to be carrying quite a torch for you, Angel. Cordelia: Yeah, a blowtorch. Angel: That's tough for her. I'm taken. (He kisses Buffy and everyone else gags) >It was just that having an eternal amount of time to fill up, the concept of monogamy was not his strong suit. Xander: Oho, lucky for the author! Angel: I could use a blowtorch just now... Xander: Bite me, Soul Boy. >He liked having Buffy around too, Angel: Note: Author shows occasional moments of lucidity... >but that was only because he thought she was natural blonde as well. Angel: Very occasional. Reccomend immediate hospitalization. And pummeling. Cordelia: What on earth are you babbling about? Angel: Never mind. >Once he found out she wasn't, Xander: Is this true, Buffy? Are you a bottle blonde? Buffy: I plead the fifth! >he started on his whole 'Bad Angelus' routine, where he tried to seduce Drusilla back to his bed. Buffy: Have I mentioned that I violently dislike this story? Xander: I don't know. I'm starting to enjoy it. Willow: I don't believe it. >(If you don't believe they still had a flame going, just watch that scene in What's My Line that got cut because of all the kids in the audience.) All but Willow: Huh?? Willow: I think she's talking about that scene when Dru is talking about how Angel ripped her family's throats out, and then asks him if he remembers about how they used to have sex. (They all stare at her) Angel (blushing scarlet): How did you know about that? Willow: Oh, come on -- I'm the Net Girl, remember? I'm the guide at "Domain of the Slain" with all those extra bits from the uncut teleplays. Of course I know. >Unfortunately, Drusilla was to crazy to be a good lay, Xander: Why, Buffy never let that bother her when she chose *her* bedmate... Angel: If you want to die, please keep talking. Buffy: Angel, try to keep yourself under control. If he keeps talking, *I'll* kill him. Giles: I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd like to get back to the story. Cordelia: You're not enjoying this! Giles: Of course not. I just want to get it over with. >and Angel had already killed Darla in order to impress Buffy way back in season one. Xander: Aha! See, I was right! Willow: No, you said Angel killed Darla to keep her from telling Buffy that he was sleeping with her. Xander: Oh, same thing. Angel (roaring): It is NOT the same thing and they're both NOT TRUE!!! I killed Darla because she was about to shoot Buffy! >About this time he realized that what he *really* wanted was Buffy back, but it was too late for that. Xander: Let that be a lesson to you, Angel. Never fake the loss of a soul in order to sleep with a crazy vampiress. Also, floss. Angel: You're really loving this story, aren't you? Xander: As a matter of fact, yes. >She just wanted to use him as a pencil holder. (They all blink in confusion) Giles: Sometimes, the wisdom of the ages comes down to this: let us proceed without further comment. >He was really sexually frustrated, Angel: I think I can safely say that is a complete and total lie. (He kisses Buffy, who kisses back happily) Xander: You're listening to W-T-M-I, the station of Waaay Too Much Information... all extraneous, all the time. >so he decided to go after Jenny. After all, she was in disgrace with the rest of the gang. Giles: It's not enough that they kill her. They have to keep bringing her back and insulting her. Can't they let her rest in peace? Willow: Considering the line that preceded that one, I would bet large amounts of money that it's gonna get much worse. >I mean, did you think that *all* he did with her corpse was leave it in Giles' bed? (Everyone shrieks or groans and covers their eyes) Willow: That was a bet I really, really didn't want to win! Giles: Angel, you bastard! I should've stuck that flaming stick up your -- Buffy: Giles, chill! It's an obvious lie! Er... isn't it? Angel: YES!! I mean, it's a terrible, horrible, slanderous lie!! And, ew. Xander: How can we be sure? I mean, you slept with Drusilla, you've obviously got a thing for corpses. (Giles lunges for Angel; Angel lunges for Xander; Buffy stops them by wrapping herself bodily around Angel) Buffy: Control yourselves! And, Xander, there's a time and a place for necrophelia jokes, but that REALLY wasn't it. Willow: What is the time and place for necrophelia jokes? Buffy: On second thought maybe there isn't. >Anyway, eventually he had to vacate the apartment because Giles was coming back. Giles went crazy when he realized that he had just lost his best chance. Cordelia: Poor Giles. Giles: Oh, shut up. >He lusted after Buffy and Willow, of course, but he was discreet enough to keep it under wraps. Giles: I most certainly do not! This author is slandering us all! Xander: Maybe. Maybe not. Willow: Xander... we've all got something to bring to this discussion. And I think from now on, the thing you should bring is silence. >When Cordelia found out that Giles felt that way about everbody except her, she got mad and took Xander as a substitute. (Xander starts to say something indignant; Cordelia stops him by kissing him) Cordelia: And a wonderfully sexy substitute you are, too. >Willow also harbored secret feelings for Giles, but was way too shy to show them. Xander: Okay, you expect me to keep quiet after a statement like that? Willow: Yes... so I can deny it myself. THAT'S A SLANDEROUS LIE!!! Okay, done now. >The thing about this group is, they never talk to each other. (Xander starts to open his mouth and Cordelia claps a hand over it) Angel: Except for those of us who talk entirely too much. >One day in season three, Angel accidentaly let slip the fact that he only wanted Buffy for her body. Xander (before Cordy can silence him): I thought that was Season One. Giles: Allow me to jump on the bandwagon: Shut up, Xander. >Buffy, naturally, was a bit T. O'd -- she hadn't wanted to let on that she only wanted her body too. Xander: Whooosh! Buffy: Okay, I think I speak for everyone here when I say huh? Giles: I'm afraid I can't elucidate for you this time. It's beyond me. >They began having a major argument in the middle of the library. Xander, not wanting to get involved in this, made a quick exit and was not seen for the rest of the story. Willow: Raise your hand if you think Xander's getting off entirely too easy. (They all raise their hands except Xander. Angel raises two.) Xander: I've dealt with enough stories that hated me, I think I deserve a break. Besides, it hasn't insulted Cordy either. Cordelia: Thanks so much for your support! Am I the only one who thinks maybe Xander WROTE this story? Angel: It would be very plausible indeed, except early on it sounded like the author thought I was hot... which pretty much rules out Delinquent Boy. >(Xander went to the mall to ogle the tight dresses of Cordelia's ex-club. You see, he had always wanted Buffy's body, and he had only taken Cordelia as a substitute, Xander: There, it insulted me, are you happy? Angel: It's the first step on the road to eternal joy. >and by this time he was getting a little tired of her. Cordelia, of course, really loved herself and wouldn't admit that Xander didn't think she was good enough for him.) (Cordelia makes an unhappy, hurt sound) Xander: Don't worry, honey, it's another slanderous lie. This is becoming a theme. (He grabs Cordelia and kisses her) Buffy: Get a room, guys! Xander: This from the Reigning Queen of PDA? Buffy: What do you mean? Xander: Oh, come on! You had sex on national television! Cordelia: Twice if you count "Amends". >Giles, still in a bad mood from not getting any, went into the stacks to commune with his books and a bottle of brandy. Xander: And at last the ugly truth is revealed. Angel: You're what, the President of the Watcher's Booze Association? Giles: I plead the fifth! Buffy: Been there, done that. >Willow looked after Giles and Xander sadly, then went back to daydreaming and wished Oz was here. Willow: I know the feeling... except for that part where it has bad grammar again. >She hated being left out. She was a bit surprised, though, when she heard Angel give a list of Buffy's non-visible piercings. Buffy: You did WHAT? Angel: It's not true! I didn't tell anyone! Buffy: Okay, that's a relief. >Willow looked uneasily to Cordelia, who shrugged, and the two decided to go shopping. Cordelia: I know a good idea when I hear one. Come on, Willow, let's go. Willow: We're on a satellite, dear. Cordelia: I thought you were the Net Girl. What about online shopping? Willow: Oh, you're right! I'm all about online shopping! Giles: We have to finish the badfic first, children. Sit down. >"But what about them?" Willow asked. "Shouldn't we be supportive friends?" Cordelia gave Willow a Look. "You? A supportive friend? Gimme a break. Where were you during Homecoming?" Buffy: She has a point there, Will. What was up with that? Willow (stammering): But... fluke-never-again... overcompensation.... rabid dog... aaagh! Xander: I think what Willow is trying to say is, Joss + Acid = Unexplainable Weirdness. Buffy: Oh, okay then. >Willow flushed angrrrily and followed Cordelia out of the library. Xander: You go, grrrl. >Meanwhile, Buffy and Angel were still fighting. Angel had told Buffy exactly what he thought of her, and Buffy was about two seconds away from staking him. Xander: Would it be inappropriate to cheer? All but Xander: YES! >Angel turned his back to her (probably not wise) and started to leave. As he did, he said, "Drusilla was MUCH better than you, even if she was crazy. SHE had years and years of experience." Buffy: WHAT? I'm speechless! I'm going to stake you right now! Angel: Buffy, don't freak! That's just what the author wants! >Buffy was speechless. The blood drained from her face. Giles: If I had time, I could think up a *more* inappropriate phrase than "the blood drained from her face", considering the circumstances... but it would be hard. Cordelia: I'm going to restrain myself and not bring up the taste thing again. Giles: Thank you. >She began to walk after Angel, silently, with her stake clenched in her fist. Willow, in the hallway, considered warning the incrediably hot undead american Willow: Again with the torch. And the misspellings. >but decided she was still ticked at him for killing her fish, her puppy, Willow: I don't have a puppy! Xander: Not anymore. >and making her substitute teach a class of bratty high schoolers for half a term, Willow: Now there she has a point. Angel, did I ever tell you just how much I appreciated that? Angel: You can thank me later. Let's just finish the bloody story. >not to mention cheating on her best friend. Buffy: Judge not, Willow, lest ye shall be judged. Willow (flushing angrily): Yes, do let's bring that up as often as possible. Giles: Watch me not say anything about copyrights or pelicans. >Anyway. Buffy had followed Angel out into the street, and was about to plunge the stake into his back, when Drusilla grabbed her from behind. Buffy: And then I staked her. Angel: Somehow I don't think that's what the author has in mind. >Buffy let out a strangled gasp, and Angel heard her and turned around. But he was still mad at her because of the summer-vacation-in-hell thing, so he just stood there and watched as Buffy died. Buffy: Some lover you are! Angel: Not at all. I was doing you a favor. The sooner you get killed, the fewer insults you have to read about yourself. >Angel realized that the rest of the gang would think that *he* did it, so he got Willow to cast a spell that would transport him to an alternate universe. Cordelia: Can you really...? Willow: No. >There, nobody was dead, and he hadn't ever gone on the rampage, cuz he was a much nicer person . (Though no less cute.) Xander: Because that would be impossible. And yes, that was an insult; think about it. >Angel killed his doppelganger and took his place, then traded the entire Scooby Gang over to Spike, who stuck them up in a satilite and made them read crappy fanfics. All: WHAT DID THAT SAY?!? Xander: I knew it! I knew it all along! Cordelia: You aren't the real Angel? Angel: Of course I am! I'm stuck here too, remember? I'm being tortured along with the rest of you! Buffy: Yeah, come on, guys. Get real. >Angel put on a good show, of course, pretending to be just as tortured as the rest of them, but when the rest of them were in bed, he beamed down back to Earth to get in some time with Drusilla. Buffy: WHAT!? Angel: It's not true! Besides, she's a terrible lay! Xander: Except for her having hundreds of years more experience! Angel: This author's done nothing but lie. If it were true, how could it appear here as a badfic? Giles: Oh... good point. >But one day, Spike came across this diary account, and put it in the badfic pile by accident, and Drusilla sent it up to the gang... Giles: Which would explain how it could appear here as a "badfic". Angel: It's not true! You can't believe this! >...and when they read this, at first, of course, they couldn't believe it. Xander: But slowly it grew more plausible. Buffy: Oh, my god! Angel: I'm not a doppelganger! And I would never want to sleep with anyone but you, darling! You're my goddess! The light of my life! >Angel tried to flatter his way out of it, but he didn't mean a word of what he was saying. Cordelia: We're on to you, Bloodless Boy, and so is this author, except there is no author, 'cause it's really a diary entry explaining the truth. You thought you had us fooled, didn't you? Xander: You're gonna die, Angelface! Angel: I can't believe you're buying this! >All the while he was trying to get out of becoming an ashtray, he was planning on getting back to Earth and not coming back, not even for Buffy. After all, that Drusilla line wasn't just a joke. Giles: We must keep our heads. There must be some way of telling if this is the real Angel or not. And if not... Angel: I *am* the real Angel! Check the fanfic... read on... I'm sure it's about to take it all back. >THE END. Xander: Nope. You're outta luck, Soon-To-Be-Even-Deader-Boy. Cordelia: Stake him! Stake him! Willow: As much as I hate to agree with Cordelia... (Xander begins looking for a stake.) Buffy: No, wait, there's one more line here. >P.S. Ha ha! Just kidding! I just wanted to see whether or not I could get you guys to all turn on Angel, who of course did nothing wrong at all. Giles, Cordelia, Xander, Willow: Oops. >Some friends you are. Well, bye! Angel: See? I told you so! Buffy: I never doubted you. Willow: These stories are getting worse. That one almost got to us. Angel: Almost? *Almost*! You come after me wanting to see the color of my blood and it ALMOST got to you? Giles: It was an honest mistake. Xander: Well, I for one am not convinced. All but Xander: Oh, SHUT UP!! (Spike appears onscreen, laughing hysterically.) Spike: So, did you like the story? Xander: I thought it was great. (Buffy smacks him upside the head and he shuts up.) Angel: That was terrible. Simply awful. They tried to kill me. Spike: I knew it! I'm starting to get to you! Well, I'll leave you to recover... and you know the drill. The next story will be even worse. (He vanishes.) Angel: Maybe I should have let you guys stake me after all. ***** The End. 
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