RATING: G. If you can watch the show you can read this. CONTENT: Zip, nada, zilch, zero, rien, in short Nothing. SPOILERS: 'Faith, Hope and Trick'. SUMMARY: Xander struggles with his conscience over his actions during Becoming II. Buffy's come home. She's been gone for the entire summer. We hadn't seen her ever since that morning in the mansion. Even when she came home, it was weeks before she was able to tell us what happened. It was a long time before I knew what my betrayal had bought. I pushed her away, at first. Didn't let myself feel any compassion, or concern, or even friendship. She was a tangible reminder of things I wanted to pretend never happened. I hadn't known what Buffy was hiding, hadn't wanted to know. It wasn't even Buffy who told me. It was Willow, she told Cordy and me at the same time. Maybe if she'd told me alone, she would have seen the guilt that passed over my face. I managed to hide it quick enough, and I don't think she saw. And now I wonder, if there was so much we didn't know, how much does Buffy not know? I had assumed that, somewhere along the line, she had figured out that I lied to her... or Willow would have figured it out... but I know, if they had guessed, they would have confronted me with their knowledge. They haven't. I look into their faces and I don't see anything that might indicate they knew what I've done. I'm glad. I need time. I need time to figure out for myself what I've done. Oh, the facts were simple enough, my motavation was simple enough. I didn't tell Buffy that Willow was going to restore Angel's soul so that she wouldn't be distracted while she was fighting him, so that she wouldn't pull her punches. And if there was any other reason for my lie, my first reason was reason enough. Period. End of story. Simple. What isn't simple is what came of it. She didn't kill him. She couldn't kill him! Angel pulled the sword out and got his soul restored afterwards. And Buffy had to choose. Betray -- kill him then... or destroy the world. She tore herself apart over it, I can tell. Even though she knows that there was no other choice, she blames herself for what she did. I know. I know because I'm feeling the same thing. At least with Buffy, even though it was her hand that did it, she had no real choice. Even if she hadn't damned him herself, he would have gone to hell with the rest of the world. I had a choice. And I didn't know what came of my choice until now. I still don't know if I did the right thing, or if I'm lying to myself now, trying to hide my own betrayal behind a wall of justification. But I don't think so. That answer's too simple, it makes me wrong and the rest of the world right. Nothing can be that simple any more. And though I can tell myself rationally that what I did was the right thing to do, that you can't take any chance when the world is on the line, when Willow came out with the story, all I could think, all I could feel, was It's all my fault! When did things become so complicated? When Buffy first came into my life, things were simple. Vampires are evil. We kill them. We are the good guys. Truth was good, betrayal was bad. Good and evil. Black and white. And sometimes, there was a snarl, a shade of gray, but mostly I knew what we were doing and why. Now it's all tangled, it's all confused. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't. I lied to save the world, and I nearly destroyed my friend. I have to find a way to live with myself. I need to find a way to understand. I know that it's only a matter of time until they find out. Until the truth comes out. Into the light. I don't know what they'll do. It's an ugly truth, if for no other reason than it wasn't the wrong thing to do. But I understand now that sometimes, the right thing to do isn't a good thing. What have I done? What am I going to do? Feedback Is Good, that is a moral absolute (feedback to cryzycyt@yahoo.com) Xander's bio is this way. Boring. I'm going back to look for an action piece.
The Brotherhood ][ Last Man Out ][ Blacklight Behind the Scenes ][ What's Mine Is Yours ][ 3 Thru The Merry-O Swing Set ][ The Healer ][ Black & White The Meek Shall Inherit ][ Rosemary For Remembrance  |