TITLE : Mystery Slayer Theater 3000 # 64 AUTHOR : It's a secret. No, really. SPOILER WARNING : Alternate universe. It is set before S/I but has references all the way up to "Beauty and the Beasts" Make sense? RATING : PG-14. CONTENT WARNING : A little TV acceptable swearing and a bit of sexual innuendo. SUMMARY : MST3K/Buffy crossover. DISCLAIMER : I don't own Buffy & Co; Joss and the WB do. Neither do I own the idea of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The original "badfic" is by Catoninetails (cryzycyt@yahoo.com) ***** (Xander walks up to the rest of the gang) Xander: Man, you realize that being up here is causing me to miss my favorite holiday. Buffy: Christmas isn't for.... Xander: No, Halloween! All that free candy! Willow: Remember what happened last year? Angel: Well, if we didn't we'd have been reminded seeing as they've re-run that episode. Giles : Actually, Halloween, or All Hallows Eve has a very interesting history.... Cordelia (interrupting): It's only interesting to you, Giles. The only other person that cares is Angel, and I'm pretty sure he's up to date on these things. Xander: Hey, let's have a Halloween party! Angel: To what? Celebrate being stuck up here? Buffy: Now wait a minute, Angel, Xander might be on to something. It'll be fun. We can dress up and do Halloween... things. Like bob for apples. You should be really good at that, Angel, what with your fangs and not having to breathe. Willow: It might be fun, I agree. ( Spike appears on the screen) Spike: Hello, Kids. Angel: Kids? Spike: You weren't included in that generalization, Angel. Angel: Just checking. Spike: I have another fan-fic for you, obviously. Consider it a Halloween treat. Xander: Why do I think that this is going to be comparable to those icky yellow, orange and white candies that no one likes? Spike: Oh, it's far worse. ( Spike disappears from the screen) >Three Through the Merry-O (whatever the heck that means) Giles: If the author doesn't even understand the title--well, I have to conclude that's not a very good sign. > Once upon the time she there was a slayer. Buffy: I hate stories that start with "Once upon a time." Angel: Why? Buffy: Because in the case of bad fanfic, you know they aren't going to end with "and they lived happily ever after." Angel: True.... > Then there was another slayer. Willow: Been there, done that. > Then there was another slayer. Cordelia: Did Buffy die again? Xander: I think it's nothing more than an annoying plot device. > The three slayers fought each other over who would get to kill >Giles, Giles: Me?! Angel: Hey, it's not me for once. Would it be really out of character for me to do a 'happy dance?' Buffy: Yeah...resist the urge, Honey. >who they wanted to knock off because he was bossing her around. >Then they agreed to team up instead. Giles: They formed a posse because they don't like my training methods? >One Buffy was the original Buffy Willow: Is this story a political statement about the dangers of cloning? Xander: I think it's a statement about the dangers of authors doing drugs. > and she went crazy cause she couldn't see Angel any more. Xander: I would go crazy from seeing Angel, personally. > One Buffy had come on to Xander like she did with that sexy dance. Buffy: Why does everyone always bring that up? It's so last year! > One Buffy was doing things we don't want to know about with >Principal Snyder, All: Ick!! > and one Buffy couldn't count. Angel: Not unlike this author. > That night at the Bronze, Giles was singing in the band. Cordelia: Something about the image of Tweed Boy singing with the band scares me. Giles: Tweed Boy? > Devon (drink) cried because he was being kicked out of the band, but Oz >thought Giles sung great. Willow: Too bad our English ain't great. And yes, my grammar errors were completely intentional. > And because Oz was happy, Willow was happy, so she planned to >contract Giles to go on world tour. Cordelia: I'm still having difficulty with the image of Giles in a band, I'm sorry. Giles: Cordelia--accept it and move on so we can finish this story. > Buffy walked in. Angel: She sat down. Xander: She said hello. Willow: She ordered a drink. Buffy: Okay, guys. We get the idea. We've done this joke before, let's just move on. >"Hello Buffy!" Willow said, not looking up from her laptop. She was >programming the US government computers to slip 3 tons of CRACK Angel : How did we know that drugs would become a theme to this story? > into the LA drinking water to see if they would act any different Giles: The answer; a probable no. > and also doing her history homework which was due next May. Willow: I'm just really good at time management, that's all. I have one of those little pocket planners.... >"God, Buffy, you look awful!" exclaimed Cordelia, so Buffy rendered >her down for soup stock. Buffy: Hmmm, that's one way of dealing with her. Cordelia: Hey! > Harmony screeched, "Ewwww! Look at that skirt! She looks like a >slut!" so Buffy grabbed her and tied her up as a snack for Angel >later. Angel: Well, I might be able to make an exception for her.... > She liked bringing Angel presents even though he was in hell now >and they couldn't make out. Giles: That's her main qualm with him being in Hell? Not the blinding torment and pain? Willow: Apparently not. > Xander saw Buffy and his eyes got so wide at the sight of her skirt >they looked like they would fall out of their sockets. Angel: I won't comment, because it might involve words that would cause us to lose our PG-14 rating. > In fact, they did. As he groped around for his eyes, he stuffed his >mouth full of hippo pants. (everyone exchanges glances) Buffy: Who's confused? (everyone raises their hand) It's unanimous. That made no sense. >"Muufafffmariffyf Buff buff myourfffpauff if mmrrrwfffooff!" he >said, and if there was a translation this wouldn't be a PG story. Willow: It's a PG story? Cordelia: Yeah, it's PG only because Angel isn't the town whore in this one. > Zander was stupid, so he didn't know what those words really meant. We hope. Giles: Seeing as they were mumbled, we don't know what they really meant either. > Giles didn't see Buffy and kept on singing. "Three through >the merry-o," Cordelia: So that's where the title came from. > he sang. "Run and catch the lamb is caught in the blackberry patch." >Dru came up beside him and whispered in his ear something >about copyright and pelicans. Buffy: Should we venture a guess as to what that has to do with anything? Nah. > Spike grabbed her and dragged her off the stage because she was blocking his view so she tore his >throat out. Angel: She tore Spike's throat out? There is a God! > Then Buffy walked in. She walked over to Buffy and they crept >backstage to kill Giles. Giles: It's a conspiracy. Just like JFK and Roswell.... Xander: I don't think your death in a fan-fic is quite up to that level, G-Man. Giles: It was a joke, Xander. Xander: Really?? > Just as they had the salad forks in position, though, All: Salad forks?! > Buffy skipped in singing "Gueeeesss whooooo'ss aa craaaaackheeead! >Gueesssss whhhooooo's a crraaaaaackheeeaaad!" Cordelia: My guesses would be Joss and this author, in that order... > and smashed Oz's guitar. Then she leaped into the audience and bit >off Xander's head. Angel: It's kind of a variation of that Ozzy and the bat thing. >"I hope I taste like chicken!" (everyone looks at Angel) Angel: I used to bite people--I never bit their heads off! > he cried as he died. Then all three Buffies descended on Giles. >"Steellllllaaaaaaa!" he screamed as he died. Giles: 'A Streetcar Named Desire'--cute...well, not really. Buffy: Hey, at least you didn't say, "Luke--I am your father" as you died. Willow: We already had that story anyway. > Just then Willow looked up and noticed that Oz had stopped playing. >"YOU HURT MY BOYFRIEND!" she screamed, Angel (wistfully): Wouldn't it be funny if the only reason he stopped was because the song was over? > because Oz had been hit in the shoulder with a piece of Xander and >he lay bleeding all over the stage. Xander: I apparently come with razor sharp edges. > Willow threw her laptop at the Buffies, and two of them died. Buffy: Death by computer--what a way to go. > The third one, who had skipped in singing, laughed nuttily and >opened the portal to Hell. Giles: Apparently it's easier to do than it looks. > Spike who had grown a new throat Cordelia: Like on one of those lizards right? You cut off its tail and it grows back? Willow (while rolling her eyes): Yeah, something like that.... > and Dru jumped in happily. Xander: Well, if we ever doubted she was a loon--we have concrete evidence now. > Buffy threw Giles, who wasn't quite dead, Giles: I see the possibility for Monty Python humor.... Angel: Consider me in. ' Bring out your dead!' Xander: I guess I'll do it for the sake of progress. 'Here's one!' Angel: Ninepence. Giles: I'm not dead! Angel: What? Xander: Nothing... There's your ninepence. Giles: I'm not dead! Angel: 'Ere. He says he's not dead. Xander: Yes he is. Giles: I'm not! Angel: He isn't. Xander: He will be soon. He's very ill. Giles: I'm getting better! Xander: You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes. Angel: I can't take him like this. It's against regulations. Buffy: Enough, you guys. That's enough. Remind me to steal that tape from the video collection and hide it. > into the portal, then her mom and Harmony and everybody except Oz >and Willow. Cordelia: How come they're spared? Willow: I'm sure it's just a slight oversight. > Willow grabbed Oz and smooched him, then Buffy kicked them into the >portal and they went into Hell still smooching. Xander: Oh, just say it, Will, so we can move on. Willow: Okay. What a way to go! There, I said it. > Buffy then danced three times around the portal to Hell in the >empty club, playing Oz's guitar. Angel: I didn't know.... Buffy (interrupting): That's because I can't! >"Three through the merry-O, I'm riden high the road! Hey dogie >let's boogie down! I'm the prettiest girl around!" All: Ummmmmm.... > she yelled and did a swan dive into Hell so she could see Angel. Angel: I'm sure I'd appreciate the visit, Honey, but I have to think this is a little extreme just to drop by and say 'hello.' > THE END All: Yes! > Unfortunately, Buffy got kicked out of Hell three days later so she >went to LA. Just as bad. Willow: The last sentence of the story is the only one that holds any truth. Cordelia : Is it really done this time? Buffy: It had better be. ( Spike appears on the screen) Spike: Well, I hope you didn't enjoy it. Xander: This just took me out of the party mood. How about you guys? Buffy: Yep, I'm no longer of the cheery disposition. Cordelia: Should we just sit in front of the TV and watch the millions of bad horror movies they show on Halloween? Willow: Might as well. Angel: I think that "The Mummy" is on. Xander: Very funny, Angel! Angel: I thought so. Spike: Well, I'll leave you all to your horror movies, seeing as that's probably how Dru and I are going to spend the night, what with it not being a vampire thing and all. (Spike disappears from the screen) Buffy: 'The Invisible Man' is on. Cordelia: I don't think so! What about 'Dracula?' Angel: I think not! Giles : 'An American Werewolf in London'? Willow : No! Even if Oz isn't here, I still wouldn't want to watch that movie! And any ghost movies are out too. Xander : We're out of options here then, huh? Slasher movies it is. (A few members of the group groan but they all walk to the TV anyway to watch a slasher movie marathon) ***** The End. Give me more MST3k with Catoninetails, more!! (MST3k Ayelle-Style) 
The Brotherhood ][ Last Man Out ][ Blacklight Behind the Scenes ][ What's Mine Is Yours ][ Slanderous Lie Fic Swing Set ][ The Healer ][ Black & White The Meek Shall Inherit ][ Rosemary For Remembrance |