DISCLAIMER: OK.... here we go... all and sundry legals.
I do not own Giles, Jenny, Buffy or any of the rest of the cast. They belong to Joss, (whom I also do not own and hope I will not get sued by because I got no money), WB and Mutant Enemy, who is also sometimes known as Joss but only while the moon is full. It is almost new right now so I feel safe. I don't mean these insults Joss, I really do love you and want you to continue doing the show, but I feel that the characters might not agree with me.
Giles and Jenny walked into the set room of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Although they could not immediately see anything around and over the forest of cameras and various cameramen, extras and directors, Buffy's strident voice was easily identifiable even from the back of the room where they stood.
"...no, no, NO, and NO!!" she said firmly. The Watcher and the technogypsy rounded the last dolly to see Buffy and Joss standing, if not face-to-face, (the Slayer IS a little small) then face-to-throat, which she looked ready to rip out. Speaking of ripping, the ground was littered with shreds of black-embroidered paper which had probably once been a script, so the two adults had obviously come in in the middle of something. Willow and Xander were perched on a couple of props, passing back and forth a paper bag full of popcorn. Upon seeing them, Xander waved cheerily, put a finger to his lips and indicated the combatants, spilling popcorn all over the floor. "Admission free tonight," read the back of his scorecard at the moment. "The Irresistable Force Meets The Stubborn Producer."
This motion, unfortunately, drew both Buffy and Joss' attention to them. Buffy turned to her Watcher/mentor for appeal -- "Giles, help. You're a grownup, talk some sense into him!" at the same time Joss turned to him for support. "Giles, you're her Watcher, talk some sense into her!"
Jenny grinned, and abandoned Giles mercilessly to the wolves, joining Xander and Willow on the couch. Xander held out the popcorn to her, which she gracefully accepted. The three turned back to watch the show.
"What, ah," Giles cleared his throat, addressing both of the quarrelers. "What seems to be the problem?"
Joss spoke first. "Buffy's being unreasonable. All I did was comply with her request to explain to her exactly what's going to happen next season, and she went wild!" A sweep of his hands indicated the confetti all around.
Buffy spoke up. "Unreasonable! You present that kind of material and try to pass it off -- next time I'll destroy you, instead of just the paper!"
Giles coughed nervously. "What, exactly, in the script did you object to?"
Buffy glared. Joss indicated that she speak her thoughts aloud. "Share, Buffy. We're all friends, here."
A brief, muffled laugh from the peanut gallery was the only response to that one. The Slayer shot Whedon a look of pure loathing before seizing the opportunity to vent. "He put me out on the edge of nowhere, scrambling for a job at a two-piece restaurant, running from my destiny by day and stuck with nightmares by night! I mean, how degrading can you get?" Her voice squeaked upwards. "And this whole 'Faith' business! Kendra was bad enough when she only showed up for THREE episodes! And you want to make this girl a RECURRING character? And you have Willow, Xander, Giles and CORDELIA taking over the Slaying! Why don't you just change the name of the show to 'Faith the Vampire Slayer' and get it out of your system?"
Cordelia, upon hearing her name shouted at the top of her petite friend's -- well sorta friend's -- lungs, walked over from her deep and philosophical discussion with the makeup director. She stared at the tableau for half a minute before accepting Xander's pantomimed invitation to sit in his lap. She studiously ignored the rest of his pantomimed invitations.
Buffy was on a roll. "You are an inconsiderate, imbecilic, mentally trauma'd, self-promoted, egotistical, two-bit little slimeball with no talent for composition nor sensitivity for any other person's feelings!"
The rest of the Slayer Squad exchanged glances and held up scorecards. '8.4' '6.9' '9.0' and a hastily scribbled '7' from Giles, who had long ago given up his attempt to placate and had joined his somewhat-deceased girlfriend on the couch. Their relationship had hit a rough spot after Drusilla had used Jenny's flashback for her own sicko purposes (I'm not sure that Dru was entirely motivated by information-getting in that scene) but it had smoothed out again fairly quickly.
Cordelia, lacking a scorecard, took the moment to put in, "Yeah, Joss, and you really oughta do something with your hair." At a baffled glance from everyone else, the Prom Queen felt obliged to explain. "You know, that thing with his hair. Am I the only one who's noticed that thing?"
"No," Xander replied, "but you're the only one who'd mention it."
After another second of blank staring, Cordelia was dropped from Buffy's attention with an almost audible THUNK, but the blond teen had lost her momentum. In the short silence which followed, as Buffy tried to get back on track, Joss spoke.
"Now, look, Buffy," he said reasonably, "don't get so upset. After all these times you've complained about being the Chosen One, I'd thought you'd've been delighted to give it a rest."
Xander swore, afterwards, that he could see the steam hissing out of Buffy's ears. "I meant that I wanted to be a nice, normal teenage girl, Joss," she gritted. "Sure, being the Slayer was lonely, but at least I got the chance to hang with my friends and even shop some of the time! Now I'm STILL lonely, and I'm reduced to a pathetic wreck! And you're replacing me with this -- this -- Faith," she spat, "Over my dead body -- or yours -- or hers, you --"
Jenny poked Willow in the side. Misunderstanding, she got up to get some more popcorn, and Jenny had to slide over to murmur in Xander's ear, "I think she's a little afraid of the competition, no?"
Cordelia, misunderstanding the computer teacher's murmur, glared at her and hissed, "Back off, gypsy-girl. This isn't Dawson's Creek."
Xander shot Jenny an apologetic look, and turned back to Cordelia. "And I'm no Pacey," he muttered.
Cordelia snuggled. "Yeah. You're cuter and you have a better sense of humor." A moment later, Cordelia seemed to realize that she actually complimented him, in her outburst of expressing dislike for DC. "Although you are still a bit of a dork."
"Shh. The show."
Joss was smiling serenely as Buffy lost herself in incoherent sputters and occasional foaming at the mouth. "There's one thing you seem to have forgotten, dear," he said sweetly. "You don't have a choice in the matter."
If looks could incinerate, Joss would have left the studio in an ashtray. As it was, he merely tried to comfort her. "Look, Buffy, I'm sorry you don't like this. Don't worry, you'll still be around! And anyway, what're you complaining about? Miss Calender didn't tirade, and she's dead."
Buffy burst out, "Yeah, well, no wonder! Angel complained about the whole 'losing his soul' business and look what you did to him!!!"
It was abundantly clear, to the spectators, that as soon as Buffy finished inhaling the breath she was taking, that Joss was going to lose some important body parts. He apparently recognized it too, for he hastened to cover his faux pas. "Now, Buffy --" he said nervously, sidling slightly backwards, "-- you handled that remarkably well, let's not spoil it now --"
"This is just insult added to injury. Faith doesn't wash," Buffy said flatly.
Joss sighed. At least she didn't have to be sedated again to keep from killing him. Buffy had not actually reacted well at all to Joss's little 'Becoming Surprise' as he had put it. It had taken a great deal of courage for him to approach her afterwards.
Hmmm... there was an idea. Joss was struck by inspiration. "Look, Buffy. Accept the whole Season Three gig, and I promise that I'll bring Angel back as soon as I can."
Buffy's face lit. "Really?" she said. Then her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I don't trust your 'soons'. That's what you said about the return of Angel's soul. First episode."
Much too soon. "Fifth episode."
"So you were planning on waiting... All right, second episode."
"I was hoping to spend that on them..." he nodded to the couch, which waved cheerfully back. "Fourth episode."
Buffy's face went stony. "Third episode, or you can just take this script and stick it --"
Alas -- or fortunately for the story's 'PG' rating, Joss accepted this, with some ill grace. "Third episode, soonest," he agreed. "And anyway, Buffy, the whole 'homeless' thing won't last long..."
Buffy's mood took another mood swing on a bungee cord. "Oh, Joss, did I ever tell you how much I love you?" she cried, flinging herself into his arms like a child presented with a gift. "You're the cleverest, most creative, most talented man I ever met, with the possible exception of Giles, Angel, and Oz..."
"Hey!" protested Xander, but his voice went unheard.
Joss was used to this. "Glad to hear it, Buff," he said. "Now hadn't you better get going? There was this movie, right? Something about Vanilla Fog. Hmm. Sounds like an acid trip."
"Well, if anyone would know..." muttered Jenny.
-The End-
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Popcorn goes here (feedback to cryzycyt@yahoo.com)
Encore, encore! (read B.T.S. #3)
I came from the Memorial Garden and I wanna go back
Take me home, country road
Number of scripts Buffy shredded in Season 2:
The Brotherhood ][ Last Man Out ][ Blacklight
Behind the Scenes ][ What's Mine Is Yours ][ 3 Thru The Merry-O
Swing Set ][ The Healer ][ Black & White
The Meek Shall Inherit ][ Rosemary For Remembrance
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