• What is D/s?
• Introducing your Partner to D/s
• Trust
• I am a male submissive

Ok, you've been married a few years now, pretty happy perhaps, but something is missing. It doesn't seem that important because you can't seem to think what it is, so you just push it to the back of your mind and get on with life. Then one day you hear about Dominance and submission. Perhaps you're wandering the web and come across an article, or perhaps the name of a chat room intrigues you, or something else. Your interest is piqued and you begin to search for more, perhaps ask questions and somewhere along the line you realise "This is what I want. This is what's missing." You might find that you're attracted to the Dominance side, or the submission side, or to both. Either way, you've found what you wanted. Now the next question is what you do about it.

Many seem to decide straight off that their partner can't handle this and don't tell them. Some will bury it in their hearts, longing, but doing nothing more. Others will perhaps look for an online relationship to get what they believe they can't in Real Life (RL). Others may simply leave their partners.

Others, like myself, know they've made a commitment to their partners already and decide to tell their partners and hopefully, just hopefully, get what they know they need.

And invariably they do it wrong. From what I've read, I've done it 'more' wrong than others, but perhaps in that, have learned a few valuable lessons. I'll give you the benefit of what I've learned, as well as a few ideas from My Love, and hopefully give you a better chance to get it right.

This is the hardest part. You can immediately think of all the bad things that will happen. You believe you know your partner and you're pretty sure the reaction isn't going to be good. Maybe they'll decide you're a sick pervert and leave you. Maybe they'll just tell you to forget it and believe that's the end of the subject. Maybe they'll agree to think about it. Maybe they'll say something like "You too?" It's a good bet that nothing in your marriage thus far has given you a clue about what reaction they'll give.

The first step is not to just go straight to your partner and say "I want to be your Master/slave." That's unlikely to give good results. The first thing to do is read. Read anything and everything you can about D/s. Talk to anybody you can on the subject. Then think about it. Don't just take what's written/said as gospel, really think about it. Think about what it means to you, how it might apply to you. No two D/s relationships are the same and you can't just take rules from one relationship and bolt them into another. Instead you have to learn what D/s is about and understand the underlying workings. Once you believe you have a good idea of what it's about and may be able to at least hold your own in a conversation about D/s, you're ready for step two

Now, you have to work out how to tell your partner. You have all the information you need at your command and can answer any question they may throw at you. None of that will help if the first thing they do is say "You sick pervert!". So you want to reduce the chances of that. How you introduce is the important bit. Once you two are talking you can relax a little, but you need to get there. Sometimes the way you say things is more important than what you say. For instance:

Is not a good way to start. You've immediately put your partner on the defensive and it's likely to go downhill from there.

Is a little better. It offers a choice and is a little more humble in tone. It may still worry them, but it's a darn sight better. Now you're about to talk, what do you say next? Here your own judgement about your partner needs to come into play. You could try:

or perhaps

After the initial introduction there are a few things you'll probably need to clear up. Firstly, that the Hollywood image of D/s doesn't do the lifestyle justice. Sure people may dress in leather/latex, hold whips, wear collars and the like, but that's just the extras. They're just 'flash' on the lifestyle, what the lifestyle is really about is Power Exchange. Now perhaps at this point you'll be lucky and find they like the idea of whips, leather and so on, in which case I'm sure you don't need my help. However if it's that image that seems to make them unsure, then tell them it's not 'necessary'. What you wear has nothing to do with being in a D/s relationship. The Dom can easily wear T-shirt and jeans, while the sub can also wear T-shirt and jeans. It's not what they wear, but how they interact.

Now, once you're past dispelling the 'popular image' of D/s, you need to talk about why you want it, what you think it will do for you and your partner. My advice here is don't try logic, don't try reasoned arguments. Use emotion. Not to blackmail your partner, but instead to show what it means to you. Tell them how you feel this is a part of you that you never knew about, that you'd like to explore and of course you'd like to explore it with them, your lifelong partner. You need them in this.

One thing to avoid here, even inadvertently, is disparaging your marriage to this point in time. Don't give the impression that you've just found out what's wrong with your marriage, because most likely that will hurt them. To them, everything was going perfectly, and then suddenly you tell them it's not. So, instead stress that you've only just found out about this; stress that it's something that's perhaps been in the back of your mind but you never understood. Stress that this is about you not about your marriage. Really, what you're asking for here is help; help in fulfilling yourself and your fantasies.

Most importantly, don't push. Even if your partner is wildly enthusiastic, you should still let them go at their pace. Let them make the next move. And just because you've introduced it doesn't mean that you stop learning. Keep reading, keep talking to others. Really, even if you jump fully into the lifestyle, you'll be learning about it the rest of your life anyway, so why stop now?

Did I say most importantly? Perhaps equally importantly at this point is total honesty. This lifestyle is founded on total honesty and trust between the partners. Starting now is good and will help build your partner's confidence.

• What is D/s?
• Introducing your Partner to D/s
• Trust
• I am a male submissive