'Twas the night before
Christmas, and God it was neat, The kids were both gone,
and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted,
and the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky,
by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I
in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the
lube
When out on the lawn there
arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma
went dry.
Up to the window I sprang
like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with
herself.
The moon on the crest of
the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean
up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering
eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight
mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver,
half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his
head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he
was as high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it
didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa
Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this
rig down or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp
post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh,
'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp
post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and
threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we
heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied
his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to
cover my ass, When down the chimney, Santa came with a
crash.
His suit was all smelly
with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled
like a whore.
'That was some brothel,'
he said with a smile, 'The reindeer are pooped, and I'll
just stay here awhile.'
He walked to the kitchen,
himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and
pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my
wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down
to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa
reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some
new things were packed.
The first thing he found
was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a
penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms
was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the
edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a
penis extension, And several other things that I
shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string,
and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
'This stuff ain't for
kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and
then I'll just split.'
He filled every stocking
and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked
under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh,
but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and
broke wind instead.
In time he was seated,
took the reins of his hitch, Saying, 'Take me home
Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!'
The sleigh was near gone
when we heard Santa shout, 'The best thing about sex is
that it never wears out!'
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 Santa was very
cross.
It
was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs
Claus had burned all the cookies.
The
elves were complaining about not getting paid for the
overtime they had while making the toys.
The
reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead
drunk.
To
make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a
spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa
was furious.
"I
can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of
my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I
don't even have a Christmas tree!
I
sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a
tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to
do?"
Just
then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped
in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.
He
says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the
tree this year?
And
thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees
came to pass......
This
guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast
while in his home town for the holidays. After looking
over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict."
His
order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy
chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
fancy plate?"
The
waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for
the hollandaise!"
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