INTRODUCTION

This paper will relate the experience of two individuals who chose to marry.  They both agreed that they wanted to marry each other, but they also looked around and saw that they would be faced with many challenges.

One of the biggest questions the couple had is how to keep the excitement and commitment experienced in the very beginning alive throughout the marriage.  In order to avoid the boredom of an average, “normal” relationship, they chose to take an active role in maintaining, refreshing, and developing themselves as individuals and as a two-person unit, to achieve this goal.

As prospective parents, they also recognized the responsibilities of parenthood and sought to work from the start to establish the kind of environment that would foster close, loving relationships among the parents and children.  First, they chose to extend the same standards of love and respect they set forth for themselves to their children. They also settled many of the questions concerning faith, discipline, values, and responsibilities before the children were born. Now, examining this work in process that is now 16 years old, the couple is satisfied that they are on the right track.  

The Problem

There were two people on the eve of their wedding who were committed to having a successful marriage and family life.  What did they need to do and what commitments did they need to make so that their relationships (one-on-one and as parents with children) would be enduring and nurturing?  They were concerned that, statistically, the odds were not in their favor and wanted to create a healthy family unit that would withstand the assaults that could compromise the solidity of the family unit.

The Policy

The couple developed a formal agreement -- initially between themselves, and later to include their children -- to support their goals.

As part of this marriage, we plan to have children.  Our goals for raising children support the marriage mission statement. 

We realize that circumstances change, and that the statements, too, are subject to adjustment if the situation warrants it.  This is not to say that they are written in pencil, but they aren’t engraved in stone either.

Implementation

The couple notes that they sometimes encounter challenges to the cultural and personal arrangements they accepted.  For instance, while they would never intentionally seek opportunities to engage in certain activities, when they are outside our home – especially when traveling in other countries – they are sometimes exposed to situations they would prefer to avoid.  For instance, in primarily Islamic countries, the whole environment corresponds to the cultural orientation.  Traveling among other cultures, however, they sometimes notice that the social norms are different from what they are used to.

All of the family members recognize that while the goal is to adhere to the mission statement, sometimes the members of the family have to be flexible in assisting a family member to reach a short-term goal by taking on another’s responsibilities.  One example might be that if the eldest son is studying for a final exam, perhaps one of his siblings will do his chores for the day to support him in his goal.  The way they all express appreciation for this support is to not take advantage of the situation by leaving one’s chores for the others unnecessarily, and by being willing to step in and help another in return.

The ultimate goal for each of the family members is to take these principles beyond the family unit in order to nurture society, as a whole. 

Outcome

Evaluation

Analysis of Outcome

The family has made several interesting observations about the successful inclusion of this agreement in their lives.

	Because the parents agreed upon the characteristics of their relationship ahead of time and have maintained their commitment to the agreement, they acknowledge that this has facilitated their relationship.
	Because they entered parenthood with their own relationship intact and thriving, it was much easier to develop and implement the family part of the policy.
	Because the parents have set the example for working within the agreement, obtaining the cooperation of the children has been relatively simple.

The family members agree that the ideal is to adhere to the agreement, and that sometimes it can be very complicated. There are certain requirements imposed by this family’s faith and culture, and the parents make a point of modeling the behavior they expect from their children.  The parents have observed that the children face many challenges outside the home, particularly when they are traveling outside their home country, and are teaching them how to maintain their standards.  The desire to be socially accepted is very appealing, and both the parents and children encounter challenges to their family contract frequently.